Always

Chapter 16

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I see Max walking through the paddock towards the Redbull garage. Okay maybe I can't do this. I turn the other way while mumbling about how much of a coward I am.

I arrived in Miami yesterday night, just in time for race day, although it took a lot of motivational speeches from Seb, or more so from Emilie convincing me if I can challenge the Monaco government on changing their antiquities laws at 18, I can probably speak to a guy about my feelings.

Yet somehow I would rather now be standing in front of the whole world's leaders and try to make them agree on gay rights than be alone in a room with Max and believe me when I say that proves a lot on how anxious I feel.

Fuck. I hit something hard, for a moment I think it is a wall but it turns out to be Lewis. " Woah man! You seem under some real stress, I swear I could see you frowning from the other side of the paddock." He looks at me worried, ah yes just another person on my fucking back asking if I'm okay as if Charles, Lando, Seb and like my whole family isn't enough. Tough I know he means well, Lewis has been nothing but kind to me over the years, always complementing my outfits and even sent me a message of how proud he was of me when I came out, so I know he is genuinely asking, but I don't feel like genuinely answering if I'm being honest.

" Uhm.. No yeah... I am fine just, you know stressed about personal things." I say looking anywhere but his face, knowing the moment he gives me those 'concerned dad eyes' he sometimes has I'm going to crack.

"Okay well I'm always here if you want to talk." He turns to walk away, but I reluctantly stop him.

" What do you do to not be stressed about racing and you know actually get in the car, not that I'm planning on racing, I kinda mean that as a metaphor you know, like... you know maybe I should just stop taking." I ramble on.

" Hey, take a breath okay." He puts his hands on my shoulders, calming me down. " Well, usually I just do it, it can lead to me getting hurt yes,but I know there is a chance of winning the race, so I try to think about the positives, so whatever you are so worked up about don't think about the negatives, think about the positives that can come out of it."

" Yeah, thanks I really appreciate it." I say, he gives me a reassuring smile while walking to the Mercedes Garage as I make my way toward the Red Bull one. I try to think about maybe I should do this after the race, and how I'm going to come up with an accuse for needing to see Max to the Red Bull staff, luckily for me Christian has always liked me and has in the past have never been rude or anything towards me.

As I was rethinking my actions for the billionth time, and was about to change direction to the Ferrari garage and go sulk I hear none other than the person that is the reason I am acting this way, "Alexander, wait up!" Fuck him and that ungodly good sounding Dutch accent of his.

When he reached where I am standing, we just look at each other not saying anything, I'm getting major Deja vu from the night at the club.

" I am sorry I didn't text you or anything after what happened, I was really busy with meetings and I got caught up and yeah.... Basically uhm Danny said he won't say anything." He says nervously, I didn't even think about the fact that Danny could say something to someone, but he has never in the past so I didn't really even worry about that clearly.

"Oh yeah, no it's totally fine, I actually wanted to talk to you about something, although can we do it somewhere a little more private?" There is no one really focused on us, but I really want this conversation not to be witnessed, especially if Max flips. " Sure, we can go into my drivers room."

We both silently walk to his drivers room, some staff looking questionably, but thank the heavens they didn't ask any questions and minded their own business. He opens the door for me and when I walk inside I notice how nice it is, but my mind pulls me away from the room towards the man standing in front of me.

Now or never, well maybe later because if this is possibly the last time I will see him, I need to kiss him for the last time, because 6 years ago I didn't know we were possibly going to have a last kiss, so this time now that I am well aware this can go horribly wrong,I'm going to kiss him with all my emotions in it, knowing if he does reject me I really did try my best.

So grabbing onto his shirt pulling him in. The moment our lips touch, I melt, and kiss him if as much love as humanly possible, hoping he can feel just how much he truly does mean to me.

We both pull away from the passionate kiss, needing to catch our breaths, " Well that was definitely not what I was expecting, but I'm not complaining."

" That's what I wanted to talk about, like why aren't you complaining? I thought you didn't want something like this in fear of the public knowing, and before you even suggest being fuck buddies it's not happening , because I can't put my mental health at risk again knowing I want something more, feel something more than you."

He looks at me shocked, clearly not thinking this is what I was going to say, but I've learned from my past mistakes, it's better for him to hurt me now, than further down the line when I'm dependable and attached to him more than I already am.

" I...I don't know, but I do still have feelings for you Alexander, I think I always have, and whatever is going on between us, I don't know but what I know is I never want to loose you again, the last six years without has been utterly shit."

" Yeah well you need to make a choice for once in your fucking life Max, I can't be half your boyfriend, partner or whatever, if you want this, I want to be able to hold your hand in public, and show you of for being the  fucking amazing person you are. We can take it slowly, I know how hard it is to come out, and even more so for you being in alpha male type sport, and I willing
to wait, and help you through it all but I'm not ever going to be your dirty little secret again. So when you make up your fucking mind come find me."

I walk out of his drivers room and rush through the garage, I can hear his voice calling my name, but also his team calling him to get ready for the race, that mind you is in 30 minutes. I know I shouldn't be running away every time but I cant help it, I have always tried to avoid bad outcomes and for me that's by running away.

I can feel tears running down my face, at this point I don't care, I just want to watch the race and the go home. Home to my mom, home to my other brothers and home to my Dad and Jules although I know they aren't there, I feel their presence there the much and knowing how much I could use a hug from both of them that is the only place I want to be right now.

So I watch the race alongside a worried Lexi, and pack my bags when everyone was busy getting ready for the afterparty. I assume Max is probably still thinking about everything since he didn't try to talk to me after the race, or text me.

And a long flight later and a tight hug from my mom. I lay in bed at home wishing that for once in my life I can have someone for myself, someone I can love without losing them.

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Author notes:
I wrote this on 2 hours of sleep and like 4 Red Bulls so sorry if there is any mistakes😭