Bucket List [Yoonmin]

42.

It was a hard habit to break free from. Hoseok had told him but now that he was actually going through it he knew what Hoseok actually meant.

His whole identity revolved around being sick. Now that he wasn't, now that he had a set of healthy lungs he was having an identity crisis.

Who was Min Yoongi?

The question circled his mind on repeat since the moment he woke up from the anesthesia. Who really was he?

He was twenty-five and didn't know who the hell he was. When he really thought about it, it made him panic.

So he closed his eyes briefly attempting to slow his increased heart rate while feeling the warm water hit his skin.

Instead of worrying about his identity crisis, he thought of something else. Of an alternative universe. Of Jimin.

As his hands brushed against his skin he remembered the way it felt to be touched by him. His fingers softly traced his collarbones the way Jimin had.

He envisioned Jimin's hands, his lips, his hair, his everything. The way he had slid his fingers across his shoulders and at the dip of his throat almost like he had been trying to memorize his body.

That night Jimin did more than touch him.

That night Yoongi felt wanted. Lusted. Someone actually liked his body. His thin brittle body that was covered in scars and imperfect structures. Jimin had wanted that.

Yoongi's breath hitched and once his hand was dangerously close to his navel he pulled back. He felt as though he'd been punched in his stomach.

Before he touched himself at the thought of Jimin, he decided to wash his hair. He couldn't keep doing this. Fantasizing over that night, thinking of the what ifs. It was no good.

He was only hurting himself and there was no one to pick up the pieces except him. At the moment he was too weak, too damaged to do so.

Shortly after, he was out of the shower. He dried himself up and picked up a pair of black jeans. He wanted to wear his typical comfortable clothes but considering they were going to have dinner later on, he figured he'd at least look decent.

His damp hair stuck to his forehead. He could feel it behind his neck too, making him slightly shiver. He was planning on cutting it after settling back in his home.

Maybe it would do him good to do so. To let go of things that were holding him back. Looking through his closet, he found a green plaid button up shirt.

For a split second he wondered if he still fit it. Then he laughed at himself because it was obvious he would.
Dr. Choi told him he would start gaining weight with time. They removed his feeding tube too, so that was a plus.

He started buttoning up his shirt when he looked at his reflection in the mirror. He ran his fingers across the horizontal line across his chest. It was a little pink but healing well.

Every now and then his chest ached. Though the procedure was quite advanced it was still very traumatic for the body.

When he heard the light knock on the door, he gasped, turning around. Before he could even respond Jimin had already peeked his head in.

Yoongi quickly pulled his shirt together hoping he hadn't seen it. The scar wasn't pretty and neither was the rest of his body.

"I'm sorry! Your—your mom said I could come in and—" he stepped back embarrassed.

"No, no, it's fine! I—I didn't expect you to come." He admitted with a blushed face.

He stepped away from the mirror and slightly turned his back towards Jimin. His hands were clammy so when he tried to button it up, he couldn't get past the third one.