Don't Ice Me Out | Sam Kerr

13. Replaceable

Kylie wiped the sweat off her hands against the grey and white sequins of her skating costume. It was the short program for the British Figure Skating Championships. She was skating in front of Sam today, so she felt more nervous than usual.

Sure she had skated in front of Sam before, not like she was today. The first time Sam had watched her skate, they didn't really know each other. The second time, she didn't even know Sam was there. But now, they were dating. Have been dating for about two months now.

"You put yourself first, get in the headspace, push through it. If you fall, it's ok, you get back up and you do better on the next one." Eliza says to her as they walk out. Kylie felt a spark of confidence, knowing she had done this before. Win.

But she felt that confidence shatter when she walked out. Helena. Stood there, with a blonde figure skater.

"Oh! Kylie! Elliana, this is who I was talking about, Kylie Sato used to be my protégé, but now... Well anyways. Kylie, this is my new star, Elliana Spours." Helena introduced.

Kylie knew that Helena had found a new skater, but she didn't realise how real it would feel. She spent years with Helena as her coach. Now that her ex-coach had a new star, she realised how much it hurt to be replaced so quickly. Was this how Helena felt when she got a new coach?

The two skaters smiled in acknowledgement, Elliana clearly uncomfortable with the way Helena was introducing them, but moved on.

As Kylie began walking towards the entrance of the rink to warm up, Helena placed her hand on her shoulder. "I told you that I would get a new star, better than you. Younger than you. More beautiful than you. She's everything that you're not." She whispered harshly to Kylie.

***

Kylie steeped onto the ice, getting in position for her program. The music of 'K.' by Cigarettes after Sex began playing, and Kylie began skating.

She leaped into a gorgeous triple axel, followed by a double salchow, dancing on the ice like it was her entire world. Because it was. Skating was her entire world.

But as she prepared to jump into a quad axel, she remembered the woman who taught her to do it. Helena.

Kylie didn't stick the landing, falling onto the ice.

Eliza's words rung in her head, you get back up, and you do better on the next one.

So Kylie pulled herself up, finishing the rest of her program perfectly. Stepping off the ice, Eliza pulled her into a tight hug, "You were beautiful".

"No. I wasn't." The skater said, her voice cracking. "I fell."

Eliza pulled out of the hug, holding her face. "You, out of anyone should know that as a skater, you will fall. Especially in quad axels, they're inevitable."

"Next to skate, Elliana Spours!"

She knew she probably shouldn't if she wanted to save her sanity, but she couldn't help it. Kylie watched the blonde skater complete her program beautifully, and it scared her.

But the worst part? The worst part was that Elliana pulled off a quad axel. Sure she stumbled a little after the landing, but Elliana landed it when Kylie couldn't.

Ultimately, Kylie came 4 points short, coming second to Elliana.

"Hey, it's ok. You pull off a win tomorrow in the free skate, you can win. You'll be alright." Eliza said.

***

"You were absolutely beautiful out there, baby!" Sam kissed her as they met outside the ice runk, and Kylie couldn't help but smile, even when the pit in her stomach grew.

"Thanks Sammy, but I wasn't." The skater laughed off.

"What do you mean?! You were absolutely stunning."

Kylie grew flustered, both at the compliments, but also at the humiliation. "No I fell, it was really bad. And then the new kid from my old coach landed the same jump that I couldn't."

"So? That doesn't take away from your achievements." Sam, always the optimist.

The skater shook her head, "No you don't understand. This means that I've been replaced. New skaters are coming in, better than me, younger than me, more beautiful than me." She repeated Helena's words like a record.

"You're being ridiculous! You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, And you're irreplaceable-"

"No, you don't understand! My old coach just picked up a new girl, and taught her to do the jump that only I could do for almost five years, just like that, she replaced me! Skating is my entire world- it matters to me the most out of everything!" Kylie snapped, almost yelling at Sam. She was thankful that it was late at night, and everyone had already left.

"Skating matters to you more than anything?-"

"Yes! It means everything to me. And now, I'm being replaced, you wouldn't get what it's like to be replaced so easily. There's new skaters, younger skaters that are doing amazing stuff and I-"

"Don't you tell me that I don't understand. I play for a team sport, and there are constantly new girls coming in. New players, younger players who have better stamina than me. Who don't have the same injuries as me. But I teach them how to be better players. So don't you tell me, that I don't understand." Sam snaps back, before turning and heading for the car. "And even though football is my entire world, you mean more to me than a ball game."

In that moment, Kylie didn't know what to do. Does she follow her girlfriend to the car, so they can go home? But it feels so awkward. And she feels so guilty.

***

It was the next day, and Kylie was at the free skate program for the National Championships. But she felt even worse than the day before. The only thing worse than her coach replacing her with a new skater, was hurting Sam.

They hadn't talked since the argument, Kylie ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom. She hadn't slept in the guest bedroom since they first got together, becoming accustomed to Sam's bed, and the warmth of her body.

Kylie never slept well on the nights before competitions, but with Sam, she did sleep. But today, she barely got any. She wasn't even sure if Sam was at her competition.

The instrumental to 'YKWIM' by Yot Club started playing, but Kylie felt like she never heard it. It felt like she never felt the icy cold air hit her face as she spun in the air, and she never saw the grey-green fabric of her costume whilst she turned. It was all a blur.

When she got off the ice, Eliza hugged her and told her how it was the best she had skated so far, but Kylie didn't hear it. She felt like she wasn't there.

In the end, Kylie won. She felt like none of it was real, but she had won the British Figure Skating Championship title. And it was kind of satisfying to see Helena being salty about not winning. Elliana didn't even care about not winning.

And that's when she saw her. Her girl. Sammy. Sitting in the audience, smiling. Even through their argument, she had come. And then Sam left.

***

When Kylie returned back to the apartment, Sam was already asleep, hugging a pillow, Kylie's pillow, in place of her own body. She had dried tear stains on her face, her eyes still a little red.

Kylie sat on the edge of the bed, pushing away the stray strands of hair that clung to Sam's face.

"I'm so sorry Sammy, I'll make it up to you." The skater said, kissing the footballer's forehead before leaving the room.

As she heard the door close, Sam opened her eyes, feeling a sense of longing burrowing in her chest.