Something real

I can't feel my face

~Alan~

It's been two weeks since that shit dick turned what was once a shining light, into a puddle of self hatred. I've made it my responsibility to be the glue that holds her together. She really blames herself for the breakup. Which burns a fire through my whole body. I tried keeping myself composed, as I slap some sense into her. Explaining to her that there's no way any of this is on her. The fact that her beliefs are fueled by the thought that it's because she wasn't good enough for him, makes me want to vomit. If only she knew it was the other way around,

It was him who wasn't good enough for her. He never was. Mya and I spent almost every day after school hanging out. Which neither of us complained about. Not only was it a good distraction, but it was also a reason to not be stuck in the house for a few hours. Which for obvious reasons concerning our stressful home lives was nice change. We spent the majority of our days sitting in the park talking about random things. There was at one point a deep conversation about what we thought could be in outer space, passed our solar system. Laughing at our theories kept us entertained.

I even taught her how to skateboard. Well kind of, she knows how to simply Cruz now, but who knows a few more months with her and I'm sure I can have her kick flipping in no time. She was surprisingly a quick learner. Not completely a surprise. I feel like with how much of a rare breed Mya is, there was no doubt in my mind she wouldn't be good at it. Taking my breath right from my lungs watching the most beautiful girl Cruz around on my skateboard.

We finish our days laying in the grass talking about how much we are dreading this mandatory camping trip, our school is forcing us to go to. Ahh.. the annual freshman camping trip, granted to encourage bonding and if your lucky only slight amounts of personal life long trauma.

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~Mya~
This fucking camping trip..

I wasn't aware that when you start high school, there would be the possibility of being forced to go on a mandatory camping trip. If you asked me what's the worst way of correlating a bonding experience for a group of hormonal adolescents. It would be to put them in a remote location far from home with little supervision.

I didn't dread the idea because it was October, no it wasn't the fact that it was freezing. Or the fact that it was constantly raining, it wasn't even the fact that we were sleeping in gross cabins. Or having to cook our own food. No it was the fact that I would be stuck in a small surrounding near my ex for an entire week. The possibility of running into him was endless.

There were no classrooms to hide from him in. There were no hiding in the back of biology class. No avoiding him in the halls at every turn. This whole week was set up for us to be forced to interact with each other. The sole purpose being that we needed to bond with each other. I guess the three weeks of orientation and the months of school wasn't enough. I can say that Cas and I were well bonded, and I think I would have been better off not knowing him.

As much as I wanted to hate him, I can't. He was so sweet and caring. He made me feel so seen and wanted, until he didn't. Even when he broke things off he did so much to try and make me feel wanted, by making it seem that it had nothing to do with me. He even elaborated how amazing he thought I was. Of course I still needed time to get over how hurt I was. Which he said he understood.

Gosh I fucking hate how amazing he is

It only makes things worse that I have to spend an entire week around him pretending I'm not crushed. As he runs around with his friends un phased right in front of my face. The only thing that has made this trip more tolerable is my girlfriends,and of course Alan.
He's has been so great helping me put my self back together. Not necessarily with words, but with distractions. He's so good like that, it's like he knows there's nothing he could say to make it hurt less.

So instead he spent all his time teaching me to skate board,and taking me to the park to lay in the grass and talk about the stupidest yet funniest things. he really is my best friend, and I don't think I could have gotten through this heart break with out him. Once at the campsite all unpacked and our cabins and beds given out. We all gathered in the camps gym. We were told it was our first activity.

They had us stand in a circle, and immediately i became aware of what was coming next. There was gonna be one of those say your name and one thing about yourself bullshit things. Oh boy was I right, each of us went around in a circle with a ball. Giving our names and one thing about ourselves. Though I felt like I was gonna vomit speaking in front of others. I was able to get through it with out passing out. As our principal gave us a speech about being a team or some shit.

I could feel eyes on me. I looked up looking around the room hoping to catch his eyes. There he was but he wasn't looking at me. He was talking to his friends laughing. Gosh he was so cute when he laughed. It was sometime before I realized I was staring at him and quickly looked down falling into myself. I never figured out where the feeling of being watched was coming from. I didn't care anymore, it wasn't him. He wasn't looking at me. I hate to admit it but it hurt so bad.