Dark Secrets

10

As promised, Yuvansh got her all the course material for the CAT. He told her that his visits to Tosh would become less frequent because he had to work on his new novel and present the manuscript to the publishing house soon ,so work his schedule will be hectic for a few months. He also told her that, as promised,he had quit smoking. She was delighted to hear about his smoking abstinence, but his news about the new novel made her sulk.
' why can't you do a normal job?' She moaned. She had invited him for dinner on the last night before he was to travel back to delhi. She had made all his favorite dishes. She had initially contemplated asking him directly about his culinary likes and dislikes,but then realised that her diary entries already had these  listed. Reading through her diary, she felt tempted to ask Yuvansh about the white-instead -of -red polka -chikan kari dress good up; but then it was her diary,how would he know about her diary entries? It was unfair to expect him to remember what she was wearing during their first encounter. In all the time that he knew her,he had never once asked to see her diary. He probably wasn't even aware of its existence.
'I know it puts pressure on our relationship but what needs to be done has ti be done', he said gently.
'Just wait until i completed my MBA. I'll open our cafe in Delhi and then you won't have to worried about your novels', she promised.
Yuvansh chuckled, caressing her cheek and admiring her innocence. Her parents laughed as well. They were glad that Shreshtha was back on track with her academics.
' why not?' Shreshtha asked. 'Can't the woman be the bread-earner and her husband, the home-maker?'
'I would happily become a homemaker for you,Ranisa, had I not been following my passion and make it come true.'
Shreshtha pulled a face at that. But she already understood his dedication and loved him for it. After dinner, she drew him out to terrace for some alone time .
'Thank you for these', she said, indicating the ghungroo box in the shoe rack by the wall.
Looking at the ghungroo,Yuvansh wondered whether he should thank her. The sight of her dancing with the ghungroo had changed his life once. She looked into his eyes and then averted them. He sensed something was troubling her.
'What is it, Ranisa?'
'I want us to be a normal couple. All this waiting breaks me somehow. I find it almost unbearable. And then i see Sanam changing her boyfriends every six months. And she's so much happier than I am even though i'm the one in a genuine relationship. It makes me question things  that i don't want to.'
'We are a normal couple. Just that our "normal" is different,'replied Yuvansh,cupping her face and caressing her cheeks with his thumbs.
'I just have one simple wish: I want to be with you all the time. Is that too much to ask? I don't know how to live when you aren't around,' Shreshtha choked on a lump in her throat. She put her arms around his neck.

Absence....... I know a thing or two about absence, Yuvansh thought,but said aloud,'But do you know the beauty of waiting for someone?'
Shreshtha nodded.
'Waiting begets longing. Longing begets certain meaning to your life. And suddenly you realize how useless your life was without understanding the meaning of longing.'

Shreshtha hugged Yuvansh tight and said,'what if i tell you I want to get married to you soon? Then you'll have to take me to delhi as well,right?'

His eyes twitched and words ricocheted through his mind'........ We can't be together, Thakur sahab ;we can only see each other;we can only feel our absence; but we can't get each other the way we yearn.'
'Yeah',he whispered.
In the months that followed, Shreshtha focused on her studies but on weekends there was something else awaiting her.

Sanam and Vivan were going steady. It was a little difficult for Vivan to come to Tosh from Delhi all the time ,so they decided to meet at a place which was convenient for both:Dharmshala. He asked her to visit Dharamshala every Friday evening and return to Tosh on Saturday night.
'You have to do this for me',insisted Sanam.' And I don't want to hear a no. We'll take the bus. It's just a seven-hour journey. Vivan and his friend from Delhi will be there. It'll be fun'.
'What do we tell our parents? You know they won't allow us to spend the night out.'
'I know. That's why you'll tell your parents that you're sleeping over at my place and I ll tell my parents that i'm sleeping over at yours. They don't call or meet with eachother anyway.'

Shreshtha's instinct was to say no. But the thrill of going to Dharamshala on her own,away from the monotony,was tempting.

'Come on! ' Sanam urged.
'Oh, all right then', Shreshtha said after a beat. She wanted to inform Yuvansh ,but there was no way to contact him immediately, given that they had agreed on a weekly time-schedule for telephone calls. She also feared that his reaction would be same as her parents if she were to inform them.
  Shreshtha vowed to abstain from Sanam's company for the rest of the week. However, come friday ,Shreshtha could not negate the forbidden excitement of the clandestine adventure. Both girls lied to their respective parents as planned and met at the bus stop just in time to take the bus to Dharamshala.
They arrived at their destination on the same night. Vivan and his friend,Dhruv,who had travelled from delhi the previous dau,reached Dharamshala before the girls.
  After checking-in into a hotel, Sanam chose to closet herself with Vivan in the hotel room, making out,while Dhruv entertained Shreshtha, cracking her up with his wonderful sense of humour. He escorted her to the various nooks and corners of Dharamshala ,th the littke-known eateries and then, when  Vivan and Sanam were doelne,they all met up and drank wine and beer all through the night in the hotel itself. The nest afternoon, the girls took the bus to Tosh. On their return journey, Sanam confided to Shreshtha about all the lurid details of her bedroom antics with Vivan. On one hand ,listening to Sanam made Shreshtha long for Yuvansh;on the other, this newfound freedom was too precious to compromise. Therefore,whenever Yuvansh called,once in twelve days,she held back even though she desperately wanted to tell him all about her illicit high jinks. She was sure he wouldn't like it, but she could not stop herself stop herself from joining the fun at Dharamshala either.
  Five months later, during one of those weekends ,it started raining the moment the girls reached Dharamshala. Vivan and Dhruv were already in Mountain and Moon, the budget hotel that they always went to. Drenched, the girls managed to reach the hotel. Until dinner the foursome sat  cooped up in one room,sharing beers and chatting. None of them realised that they had consumed a lot more alcohol than they usually did.

  Before Shreshtha and Dhruv knew what was happening Vivan and Sanam started kissing and canoodling while Shreshtha and Dhruv were still in the room. When Dhruv ridiculed their raunchy behaviour, Vivan told Dhruv to go to his room. The boys always reserved another room for the girls.
  Feeling awkward, Shreshtha rose and went into the adjacent room  followed by Dhruv. Shreshtha realised  her head was spinning with the excess alcohol in her system. She felt like she was losing her self-control. It was only with great determination that she could keep her eyes open. Dhruv shut the door before tottering to the bed and sprawling on it. Shreshtha saw a sofa on the other side of the bed. The remnants of her common sense told her that it was advisable to maintain some distance from Dhruv since they were inebriated. She sidled past the bed,towards the sofa. However, Dhruv deliberately tripped her with his leg. When she stumbled, he reached out and yanked her towards him. Shreshtha collapsed in a heap on top of him,their limbs in a tangle.

She struggled to get out of his embrace, but he was already planting febrile kisses over her face,Shreshtha was aware that something was drastically wrong, but the alcohol in her system weakened her resistance to fight the flow of events. The more she squirmed and twisted ,the more she inflamed Dhruv's desire. His hands proved over her breasts and derrière and ,in no time at all, she found herself responding to his kisses with parted lips. He started going down on her,gripping her hands in his,raising her tee with his mouth,kissing her navel. Shreshtha mumbled Yuvansh's name over and over like a chant.
As Dhruv tried to force apart her legs, she summoned all her willpower and kicked him hard.  Dhruv rolled away, exhausted and didn't approach her again. She wanted to get up and get out of the bed but was too light-headed to do so.
  The nest morning, when Shreshtha awoke,she found herself still on the bed, her clothes partially undone. She quickly made herself respectable. Dhruv was on the floor by a table. She conjectured that perhaps she had kicked him so hard that he had hit his head on the side-table and had passed out on the floor. The memory of last night made her feel like throwing up. With her heart pounding and moist eyes, she went to the adjacent room. The moment a sleepy Vivan opened the door,Shreshtha barged in. She told a half-asleep Sanam that she was leaving for Tosh, grabbed her overnight bad and flounced out of the room. Before her friend could understand what was up with her, Shreshtha was already downstairs. She took the first bus in the morning. Sanam messaged her:

WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DID YOU LEAVE SO ABRUPTLY?

Shreshtha messaged back:

I'M ALREADY ON MY WAY TO TOSH. COME HOME SOON.

She then scrolled to Yuvansh's name on her contact list. She wanted to call him ,but her hands trembled. She kept  repeating to herself'it didn't happen' even while her tears poured unchecked. If she called him,what would she tell him? That she unintentionally cheated on him?
  When Shreshtha was almost home,she saw Yuvansh standing by the gate,smiling at her. He was holding a huge bunch of roses. He never told her he was coming for her. As usual, his presence was supposed to be a surprise for her. Seeing her  standing still ,became up to her and hugged her tight, whispering in her ears,'I'm sorry. I know it has been really long this time.'

A moment later ,he broke the hug ,realizing that she wasn't responding to his embrace as she usually did. He leaned away to look at her enquiringly.
  'I don't deserve you,'she said and broke down,sobbing in his arms.