Broken In Love

Finding Out

As I thought I didn’t sleep I had so many nightmares in the past because of panic attacks I refused to let myself fall asleep, so I’m feeling terrible this morning. As no sleep plus panic attack leaves me feeling drained and miserable. My phone starts ringing as I’m standing in the kitchen making some coffee.

“Morning sweetie” says Alison in a very cheery voice. The way she always called me sweetie made me heart skip.

“Morning...” I say quietly.

“You feeling alright?” she asks. No to be honest I’m feeling like hell, my heads all fuzzy and dizzy and everything from last night it still scaring me.

“Yeah just really tried” I lie.

“Aw okay, do you want me to come over?” she asks.

“No, no I think I’m just going to sleep and just kind of relax try and forget about yesterday” I say.

“Okay, you’re sure?”

“Yeah I’ll be okay” I say.

“Alright, I’ll speak with you later. Bye sweetie” she says then hangs up. And I stare down at my phone even though she’s gone I wish I didn’t have to lie to her.

I make my way back upstairs, shower, dress and straighten my fringe before heading outside. The bus ride seems to take longer than I remember so I turn up my music and try and block out the world, the lady sitting beside me wasn’t enjoying my taste in songs as she kept pursing her lips and giving me evils looks out of the corner of her eye. As the bus stops at my stop the suns come out so I take off my jacket and make my way up towards to cemetery, the old boy sitting in the guard house gives me a funny look as I walk past. I spouse I look a bit walking into a cemetery early on a Sunday with no flowers or anything. I walk along the rows of graves until I reach my mothers, the sun shining on the marble it actually looks quite nice I sit down on the grass and run my fingers over the marble tracing over the cold words.

“I can’t believe I’m going to fuck it up again, I can’t believe it’s going to go wrong again and it’s my fault again! Why do I have to have these feelings? Why can’t I just go through life without any feelings? It’s not like anyone’s ever had any for me except you, so why can’t I do the same to everybody else?” and I start crying as the reality of everything starts to hit me. I’m either going to have to run, run away from Alison and my feelings just the way Pink used to do when things got too much. Or I can stay and try but I don’t think that’s an option anymore as my feelings are too strong to ignore. My last option is just to tell her and hope she doesn’t hate me, this seems like the best idea on the face of it but I don’t want to see her turn on me I’ve had enough of people throwing me away when I got too hard to deal with, so if I run away I can’t watch her turn on me. I stay sitting there quietly sobbing until I hear someone say my name.

“Jack?” the voice sounds just like my mum. I raise my head expecting to see her standing there look down on me but instead Alison’s standing there.

“Jack I thought I’d find you here” she says sitting down on the grass next to me. As I look at her I realise what a mess I must look like, my eyes all red, tear stained face, my fringe all hanging in my face.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, pulling me into a hug. I still don’t want to tell her but I can’t help it I just broke down in tears.

“It’s okay sweetie, just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help” she says.

“It’s pointless you can’t help, I’ve just fucked everything up again just like I always do” I say.

“Just tell me” she begs. I’m too far gone now so I have to tell her, I can’t even keep a secret why can’t I do anything right?

“Alison.....I...I...I don’t how to say this so I’m...Just going to come out and say it. Alison.............I’m....In....Love....With...You” I’m so nervous and scared that I can’t string a sentence together. Alison just holds me tighter as I try and get my words together.

“A few months ago I started to have feelings I didn’t understand, I’ve never wanted to kiss someone like I do you so I just didn’t know what to do. I tried ignoring it and carrying on but everything got worse, so I lied to you. When I told you I had to go in Uni to see Mr Jones I didn’t I just wanted to me on my own so I could get my feelings in order, not that it worked I still found you on my mind all the time. Then at the wedding I realised how much I’m in love with you and that scared me, it caused me to think of dad and when he used to do to my mum and I was scared of what I might do to you, if I turned out like him that’s what caused me to really have the panic attack as I was scared in fact I’m still scared that if I tell you how I feel you’ll leave or get angry or that’ll hurt you” I say, as much as I’m scared of what Alison’s going to say next I’m so glad to get all that out into the open. Her grip on me loosened so I can look into her eyes.

“Jack I would never leave you, I will always be around to help you I’m not going to let you back fall to the way I found you. And I know that you wouldn’t hurt me as you know what it’s like to watch someone get hurt like that, and I know you can’t do it, you couldn’t ruin someone’s life like someone ruined yours, and...” she stops talking leans forward so hear mouth is right next to my ear and whispers.

“I love you too” and suddenly everything feels like it’s been taken off of me and I feel kind of weightless. She shuffles closer to me and I lean in and kiss her, the feeling of her lips pressing against mine is indescribable. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t dreamed about this moment but never did I think it would happen and never did I think it would feel so amazing. I don’t think I’ve felt this happy ever!