Ambivalence

Breaking apart

[TW ⚠️ :- Mention of suicide.]

~

The next morning Jungkook woke up to harsh sun rays falling on his face. He groaned and squinted his eyes, cursing himself mentally for not closing the curtains last night. But when he turned to the other side, he felt his breath hitch at the sight of a peacefully sleeping Taehyung in his arms. The elder had a pout on his face, eyes puffy due to all the crying he had done last night, locks of his raven hair falling everywhere unlike how they usually are, hands tightly wrapped around Jungkook's waist, head resting on his chest.

Last night the elder had cried a lot while tightly hugging Jungkook's waist, murmuring apologies again and again. Jungkook had to coax him into sleeping by continuously rubbing his back and murmuring sweet nothings. To say that Jungkook's inner turmoil had calmed a little after seeing Taehyung sleeping so peacefully right now would be an understatement.

This was the first time Jungkook had seen Taehyung from this close. He could clearly see a mole on the elder's lower lip which looked so perfect. "Everything about you is so perfect taetae... but what hurt you so much?" Jungkook said softly while caressing the elder's hair. "I'll stay by your side hyung... No matter what may come, I will never leave..."

After looking at the elder for a little while Jungkook decided to get up from the bed. He didn't want to make the atmosphere between them awkward when Taehyung would wake up. Last night he was in a vulnerable state but this didn't mean he would open up to Jungkook anytime soon. 'I have to find the answers on my own.' Jungkook thought and slightly picked up Taehyung's hand without waking him up and gave him a pillow to cuddle when he found the elder making grabby hands at the loss of warmth. "Looks like you like cuddles hyung." Jungkook smiled and went out of the room.

When Taehyung woke up, he found himself cuddling a pillow. His eyes felt over-sensitive and burned a little. He sat on the bed looking around aimlessly. 'He must've so many questions after last night...' Taehyung thought and smiled sadly. He didn't wish to show his vulnerable side to the younger, but last night... he couldn't control himself when he saw Jungkook looking at him with those innocent doe eyes, silently asking him why he was crying. That's all it took for Taehyung to break down completely. He had been holding it in for so long, keeping himself isolated, drowning himself in work to not let his emotions get the best of him. He couldn't bother the people around him no more, he needs to move on in life for the better or for worse. But sometimes things are easier said than done right?

Without any other thought Taehyung went downstairs looking for the younger. He checked the kitchen but Jungkook was not there. 'Where did he go?' Taehyung thought and went to the spare room but was greeted by the younger's gym equipments and art supplies instead. He started searching the whole house but the house screamed back at him that it was empty and he was all alone, the warmth he had felt a couple hours ago dissipating by every passing second.

Taehyung slowly came back downstairs. Each step he took felt heavier than the other. His biggest fear came true after all, didn't it? He couldn't take it anymore.

He plopped down on the floor near the sofa. "I should've known all of this was temporary. I-i shouldn't have let him know. I-i was doing s-so well..." Tears started spilling from his eyes, shoulders trembling.

"Why why why why.. JUST WHY" Taehyung held his head between his shaky hands. "Why me? Just when something good was happening... I-i had to ruin it again.. H-he was right.. I should've ended everyone's suffering that day" He murmured while hitting his head with his hands.

"I need to leave. I c-cannot live like this. I-i... the kitchen" Taehyung stood up frantically, with wobbly knees, feeling dizzy when he heard the main door open with a click.

There stood the person who Taehyung had been indirectly punishing, for something he had nothing to do with. Taehyung was broken and tired but not because of Jungkook but because of someone he chose to love with all he had. What right he had? to hurt someone else? Someone as pure as his husband?

"H-hyung?!" Jungkook called out for Taehyung, bags of food falling on the floor with a thud at the sight in front of him.

"Kookie?" Taehyung said, his voice barely audible.

Jungkook had gone on an errand after waking up and had decided to pick up a late breakfast from his favourite place but nothing could've prepared him for the sight in front of him now. There stood the elder, in the middle of the living room, trembling and crying with the eyes that felt as if they'd shed blood instead of tears any moment now.

"Kookie!" Taehyung called again panicking, moving his head to look for the knife again but this time his voice reached the younger. "Hyung! What are you doing?" Jungkook rushed towards the elder when he saw Taehyung reaching out for a knife. "Hyung leave it! You'll hurt yourself!" Jungkook cried trying to snatch the knife from the elder's grip.

"N-no! It's better t-than hurting you!" Taehyung yelled while struggling in Jungkook's grip. "Let it go Jungkook! I DESERVE TO END IT!" Taehyung yelled again but this time Jungkook yelled back "HYUNG! SNAP OUT OF IT!" ,the knife in their hand fell on the ground making a sharp sound.

Jungkook wrapped his arms around the elder tightly as soon as he got rid of the knife, trying to keep him from moving. "N-no! Leave me! P-please kookie! I n-need to die... It h-hurts kookie... It hurts so much when I hurt the people around m-me because I got cheated on by fate... L-let me die p-please... E-everyone will be happy.. P-please..." Taehyung whimpered in the younger's arms.

"No one will be happy after your death hyung.. except the one who made you this miserable." Jungkook replied while hiding the elder's face in the crook of his neck.

"T-then what do I kookie? Nothing is helping. P-please Jungkook... I-i don't wanna feel this pain a-anymore. P-please make it stop kookie... I-i beg you p-please."

"You are going to be fine hyung. I-i promise. I will make it all go away okay? S-so just breathe... Breathe for me hyungie. S-seeing you like this hurts me more. S-so please breathe for your kookie..." Jungkook said, tears spilling from his own eyes too when he saw the elder getting breathless. He sat on the floor with the elder in his lap, hugging him and rubbing his back in a soothing motion, trying to calm him down.

"I-its okay hyung. I'll never leave you, not even when you push me away. There's no escape for you from me, not anymore. We will get through this together okay?" Jungkook said softly when he felt Taehyung calming down a little, promising the last one to himself.

"I just feel like sleeping forever kookie." Taehyung said, his voice a mere whisper.

"You cannot love. You'll end me with you that way." Jungkook whispered back making Taehyung look at him.

"W-why?" Taehyung asked while looking in the younger's eyes, searching for answers that words cannot convey.

"Because you are precious to me hyung. Too precious for me to let you go this easily. Hmm?" Jungkook replied while caressing the elder's cheeks.

Taehyung sniffed and nodded his head taking in the younger's words. "My eyes sting kook. I want to s-sleep."

"Okay..." Jungkook said but smiled when he felt Taehyung resting his face in the crook of his neck again. Jungkook stood up with Taehyung in his embrace while supporting his back with the elder's legs still wrapped around his waist and went upstairs to the bedroom. He softly placed the elder on bed while covering him with a blanket.

"Stay with me. P-please?" Taehyung asked when he saw the younger leaving the room to which Jungkook just slipped in the blanket, opening his arms for the elder. Taehyung shifted and buried his head in the younger's chest while the younger wrapped his arms around him.

"Sleep hyungie. You are safe now." Jungkook whispered while proceeding to sleep with the elder.

~

The pain never stops...
Or sometimes it does...