What If We Had It All

Talk

"Talk"

|13|

Kalíanna

The Sunday morning was bright and nostalgic.

If my grandma was still around we would be getting ready for church, while sbe prepared a hot pot of cornmeal porridge for breakfast.

I can almost hear her frail voice singing one of her favorite gospels.

I haven't been to church since her passing. That says a lot because it has been an entire 6 years.

Nor have I been loved properly since her departure.

I like to think that she visits me, especially on Sunday mornings like this one, Ms. Patsy did love mi too much fi stay far.

The love of a grandmother is truly incomparable.

There were many things in life that hurt me, but her death was something I would never get over.

No matter how much time have passed.

No matter how much prayers I have sent on her accord, nothing could justify why I had to suffer such a loss.

Though, I'm greatful for one thing, I was given the chance to meet a beautiful soul like hers in my lifetime.

I look over at Javier who is in the middle of rolling up a spliff. That is the first thing he could have thought of doing? He acts as if Marijuana is his lifeline. He smokes incessantly; morning, afternoon, evening, night. . .repeat.

"Stop watch me." His words came out in a rasp. His attention wasn't on me, his gaze was trained on the spliff he held in his hands. He darts out his tongue in a quick motion to seal the rolling paper. I watch as he uses his fingers to perfect the edges in a meticulous manner.

He finally finishes making the spliff and he places it on his rolling tray among three others.

My day was a mix of cleaning up the house and goofing around with my friends. The party had left behind quite a mess. From broken glass to empty liquor bottles to what I hope was not pee.

My journal sits on my lap as I overlook the waters from the room's balcony. There was a indescribable peace that comes from jotting down one's thoughts.

Sure, it wasn't the safest route seeing as not everyone have self-control or respect for others privacy. But I couldn't stop myself even if I tried.

The words appear in my mind and I have a strong urge to put pen to paper and see them come to life.

Words paint beautiful pictures or cruel realities.

Words can be soft and alluring or they can be harsh and unforgiving, for the person reading or hearing them.

That's what makes words so special, knowing that mere syllables can bring forth such powerful emotions.

"Kalíanna." I snap my head to the right looking for the person who shouted my name, Javier. "Look how long mi a call yuh." I must have been really deep in thought, I didn't hear a thing.

I shake my head in response.

"Did deh farther than earth." I spoke, truthfully. Getting lost in my mind is a habit at this point. But it's the only place where I feel understood, so I don't mind.

"Good?" He asks.

I was going to lie but there's no use. It's Javier, he knows when I'm lying. In fact, he taught me how to lie.

I open my journal and I go to the pages that gave an account of what happened between me and my father the other night.

It's a start.

He takes the book from my hands without questioning it. He's familiar with me jotting my thoughts.

Though, he never pressed to read any of them if I didn't offer.

His eyes scan the page for a few minutes. His eyes meet my own, filled with pure rage. Void of any forgiving emotion. "No, continue." I urge him.

He lets out a sigh before forcing his eyes back to the pages of my journal. He closes the book as if he's had enough, I know he's not through reading.

I wrote just as much as he smokes.

He removes his phone from his pocket and I reach a hand to the device to stop him from doing whatever he is about to do.

"Kalíanna, please. . .nuh piss mi off." He snaps, grabbing his phone from my hand, harshly.

I get up making my way into the room.

I didn't expect him to make light of the information. But a larger part of me wished he would have consoled me and not act irrationally first. It's not in his nature, I understand. But was it so hard?

Not even a few minutes later.

I sense his presence enter the room.

"Sorry." He apologies, softly. The apology is forced and barely audible. Knowing Javier, it probably took everything within him to formulate the single word apology.

I still don't look at him.

"Mi nuh want yuh feel like mi upset wid yuh." He continues. "Him a pass him place now and mi just a mek yuh know seh, mi ago fuck him up before him mek nothing do yuh." His voice wasn't threatening, it was promising. He was sure and his mind was made up.

"And yuh ever deh walk round like everything alright, a dat a get to mi, Kali." He doesn't raise his voice. His tone comes out calm and collected as he voices his concerns.

"Yuh nuh keep shit like dat to yuhself."

Easier said than done

There's a dip in the mattress and I know he's now sitting next to where I'm laying.

"Talk to mi." His hand rests on the small of my back. "Yuh can always talk to mi." He reassures me.

I finally turn to look at him with a tear filled gaze.

"Sorry." I whispered, lowly.

"Yuh nuh ave nothing a apologize fah, wipe yuh face." I rub my hands over my cheeks ridding them of my tears. He opens his arms and I accept his hug.

"Good?" He asks.

"Good." I respond.

"And yuh can tell eh pussy seh, mi seh eh next time him even look pon yuh wrong. Mi personally, a flick him duppy." He whispers in my ear coldly. He plants a kiss to my temple before letting go.

I closed my eyes, praying that it truly didn't have to come to that.