The Intelligence Control and Analysis Program

Chapter 11

Emily opened her mouth to protest, seeing no logical reason for that information to be shared, but Spencer nodded his head slightly.

"Yeah, um... about ten years ago... I was on a new medication, and the side effects were bad, and... and it was my mom's birthday, and I just... I really missed her, and..." Spencer squirmed in place for a few moments, fingers clawing at his thigh again. "Then, about two years later, I, um, I made a friend... but we talked too much, and they took—took her away. So, I tried again, and, um, they put me on more medicine, but it just made things worse. It wasn't something... medicine could fix. I just... didn't want to be alone anymore. For a while after that, I was kinda okay. I worked on cases, and it kinda felt like I got a glimpse of the outside world, but... I knew they were never going to let me out, and I... it went from being helpful to being painful... something to remind me about all the things I would never have, and I just... I just didn't want to be there anymore... so, um... I tried one more time. That was... four years ago, I think."

Strauss continued writing for several moments after Spencer finished speaking, her head nodding a few times as she expanded the information in front of her. "So," she started, scratching down a few more things and then raising her eyes to Spencer. "Out of the three attempts, two of them were triggered entirely by your situation. You didn't try to break you and your friend out of ICAP, and you didn't try to escape on your own. Both times, you deemed it pointless to try, and you felt you had to escape some other way."

Spencer nodded wearily, wiping at his eyes, but he seemed a little lighter when he looked up at Strauss. "I do have depression... and it played a part, which I'm sure the defense will mention, but... but depression often leads to suicidal ideation because it traps you inside your own head, your own body... it makes you feel like things are never going to get better, like you'll always choke on air, like waking up will always be a battle, until you just can't take it anymore, and you..." He shook his head a few times. "Being in ICAP was different, but... not by much. You have no reason to wake up in the morning, you have no one and nothing to live for, and you know—or at least you feel—like that's just how it's going to be for... forever."

Emily reached out and squeezed Spencer's shoulder a second time, keeping her contact brief. Oh, Spencer... I wish I could travel back in time, if only to tell you it would get better. If I could do nothing else for you, I wish I could have told you not to give up.

Strauss removed her reading glasses and set them down on her notepad. "Genius 4383, do you need to take a break?"

Spencer ran his hands through his hair and nodded, taking a deep breath with eyes screwed shut. "Yes, please, ma'am."

Strauss nodded to Emily. "I assume you'll accompany him to his room?"

"Yes, of course." Emily nodded back and got to her feet, returning her chair to its place along the wall. "Spencer?"

Spencer got up, taking another deep breath, and started toward the door. He didn't look at either of them.

"Agent Prentiss, if you could get this to Agent Hotchner, it would be much appreciated. The sooner this gets approved and set in motion, the better."

Emily took the envelope and nodded again to indicate her understanding of the order. Then she turned and followed Spencer out into the hall, giving him a small smile when he caught her eye.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

Spencer nodded, sniffing quietly. "Yeah. I just... wasn't prepared, I guess." He wiped his eyes and gestured in the general direction of the elevators. "Um, could we go get some coffee?"

Emily smiled and started to walk. "Sure. Just let me drop this off, and we can hit that little café on the corner."

Spencer smiled back, his expression significantly weaker than hers, and he shuffled along beside her. "Thank you."