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VI

CW: drowning, implied/referenced suicide, depression, implied/referenced eating disorder, starving, description of underweight body, suicidal thoughts

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Why am I alive?

That's the first thought that crosses Meredith's mind when she wakes up in Seattle Grace Hospital's trauma room, the face of a very relieved-looking Cristina the only thing she can see.

She is crying and touching Meredith's face as if she needs to convince herself she's real. It all just feels wrong. Meredith being alive feels wrong.

Why is Cristina so happy?

Meredith stares at her blankly, not understanding the relief in her eyes. Doesn't she know this wasn't what she wanted?

Cristina's mouth opens, and she starts talking, but Meredith can't understand what she's saying. She hears her voice, but her brain can't decipher the words.

Meredith takes a deep breath. Everything is too much – Cristina's voice is too loud, her hands on Meredith's face are too hot, and the lights shining on her from the ceiling are too bright.

Meredith wants to go back – back to the peace she felt for those short moments when her heart wasn't beating in her chest, and she was...

Dead. I was dead.

The thought doesn't faze her as much as it should.

But deep down, she knows she deserves to feel this discomfort. She's a joke – she can't even kill herself. Her mother was right. She's a disappointment through and through. Meredith wonders what Ellis would say if she saw her right now. Probably something that would make her want to drown herself all over again.

She's moved to a private room, and everyone keeps walking on eggshells around her. Addison must think she's crazy and unstable. She will leave her just like her mother promised. Meredith couldn't stand the fact that she was right.

Meredith's sure Addison is just waiting for her to get better so she could break up with her and not fear that she would have a mental breakdown over it. She's just that kind. Even though Meredith knows she doesn't deserve her, she wants to be her girlfriend for a little longer.

So, she comes up with a plan – if she doesn't get better, Addison won't be able to break up with her. It's a little manipulative, but Meredith thinks she's allowed to be selfish in this situation – Addison is one of the best things that's ever happened to her, and she isn't ready to let her go yet.

Her friends sit by her side all the time – eating lunch or dinner, talking about their patients' cases, and gossiping about attendings. It reminds Meredith of Really Old Guy's room.

Alex talks to her about how Addison and Robbins are fighting over him, wanting him to stay on their respective specialties and how honored it makes him feel like he has become someone. She wants to tell him she is proud, but her vocal cords aren't listening.

Izzie makes her a sweater. It's green, reminding Meredith of Addison's eyes. She doesn't want to think about those eyes. Whenever she looks at the sweater neatly folded on a table in her room, she wants to vomit out of disgust about her behavior. She's willingly not trying to get better because she doesn't want Addison to disappear. She's a selfish, manipulative, horrible person who should be alone forever.

Not for the first time, she thinks about how much simpler things would be if Derek had never found her in Elliot Bay.

To her surprise, Derek is sitting by her bed almost every day. He's holding her hand, gently rubbing his palm over her knuckles, not saying anything. He's just looking at her, with those blue eyes of his full of love and care she doesn't deserve. She wonders if he's doing it because he genuinely cares about her or because most people in the hospital think they are still dating. It would make sense that he doesn't want to tarnish his reputation – what would people say if the great Doctor Shepherd wouldn't sit by his catatonic girlfriend's side? A girlfriend he saved from certain death, as everyone keeps reminding them.