Snippets || EN ||

I

CW: drowning, implied/referenced suicide, depression, implied/referenced eating disorder, starving

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Meredith came back from the dead.

Everyone in the hospital kept saying what a miracle it was. They kept congratulating Derek, who humbly kept saying that he didn't do anything and that they should direct their gratitude towards the people who were actually present in the trauma room.

Everyone thought that everything would return to normal just because she woke up.

But for Addison and Meredith's friends, it wasn't anything to celebrate because Meredith was no longer Meredith. Everything that made her her – her humor, the spark in her eyes, her wide smile, her raspy voice – was left in the cold waters of Elliot Bay.

And no one knew if it would ever come back.

Addison is in the middle of an abdominal myomectomy, already annoyed because Alex wasn't showing up when she sensed that something wasn't right. But her mind is focused on the missing intern. She saw him talking with Robbins on her way to the surgery. Was it possible that she lured him away?

Addison knew about Alex's interest in peds. Hell, he talked about those children all the time. But she had to admit she selfishly wanted him to stay with her in the "vagina squad," as he mockingly called OB. He was a fast learner, and his help was priceless, especially now – while he took care of her pre-ops and post-ops patients, she had time to visit Meredith. Addison tried to find the most interesting cases to make him stay, but lately, Robbins has been annoyingly persistent in doing the same thing.

Just as Addison briefly wonders if she could ask Callie to do something about it, the door of the scrub room opens.

"Nice of you to finally join us, Karev," Addison says, trying to keep her tone level.

"Sorry," Alex says, quickly walking to the operating table. "I had to check on what's happening with Mer- uh, my peds patient."

Addison's hands freeze inside the woman's uterus. She looks at Alex, her eyes cold. He avoids her gaze and reaches for suction, not saying anything else.

Feeling multiple sets of eyes on her, Addison realizes she didn't move a muscle since Alex spoke. She takes a couple of deep breaths to calm down. Slowly exhaling, her hands start moving again, but her mind isn't entirely present. She is lucky she's done this procedure so many times that she can do it from memory.

The rest of the surgery goes by in a haze. Alex keeps avoiding her gaze, and she's talking to him only when she needs suction.

Her mind keeps wandering back to what Alex said. He needed to check on what was happening with Meredith. Did his voice quiver in any way? Did he look scared when he walked in? He seems pretty calm now, so it can't be anything serious.

Feeling her heartbeat quicken, Addison banishes these traitorous thoughts from her mind, focusing only on the open and vulnerable woman lying on the table in front of her. She's trusting her with her life. Addison can't be thinking about hypothetical situations involving her girlfriend.

Addison tells this to herself all the time this past two weeks. She can't keep doing this. She must always have control over what's happening to Meredith. She needs her home. And she needs to be there with her.

Finally, after removing the last few pieces of fibrotic tissue, she orders Alex to close and scrubbing out as fast as she can, she quickly starts walking through the hallways towards Meredith's room. She is trying to appear calm and collected with all her might, but her heart keeps hammering inside her chest, and her head is spinning.