Back To December

8. (Louis)

Always.

Friends with benefits.

I want more.

I'm happy.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I grab my head as his voice goes through my head. I messed up everything. I fucked up. I lost him. I confided in Zayne and Liam because I trusted them. I'm not ready to come out but Harry is. He needs them. I need him. It hurt so badly today to see him turn around when I wanted him to come to me.

I crawl out my window onto the tree and jump to the ground. I pull the boards to make the opening in the fence so I can get through. Once I reach his window I lift up silently and smile when it opens. He's laying there cuddling the pillow I normally lay on. I close the window behind me and sit on the edge of his bed.

I want to wake him.

Tell him I'm sorry.

Tell him I'm ready.

But I can't.

Instead I place a small kiss on his forehead and climb into bed with him. I pull the pillow from his arms and lay my head on it pulling him into my arms. He doesn't open his eyes but he pulls closer to me and sighs nuzzling his head into my chest.

"Lou." He mumbles.

"Haz." I whisper back. "I love you too."

I close my eyes and allow myself to sleep. My watch vibrated and I knew it was my alarm going off. Practice. It was 4:30 and I had to wake up for an early practice. I didn't want to go. I don't care about basketball anymore. I know I can't stay though. I cant be here when he wakes up. I can't be who he needs me to be.

I slip out of his arms and put the pillow back in his arms. I open his window but before I leave I write him a note on a sticky note on his desk.

What's Tommy without Chuckie? What's Steve without Blue? What's Optimus without Bumblebee? It's all me without you. <3

I leave his window and gently shut it. I didn't know I was crying until I got to my window and slipped from the tree. I grabbed the edge of my window and pulled myself through and sat there crying.

The time passed. My phone rang from the side table but I didn't even look at it. The sun rose but I didn't care. I missed practice. I was late for school.

I didn't care. I just cried. I cried for the little boy who didn't keep his promise to always take care of Harry. I cried for the scared teenager who just wanted to feel something and the moment he did he let the boy climb out his window without saying a word.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

It was a gentle knock. I didn't look up I just kept my head in my hands. The arms embraced me and I leaned into her. She sat with me under the window letting me cry and letting the time pass.

"Shh. It's okay boo bear." She rubbed my back.

I shook my head. "I messed up mum. He won't forgive me."

"He will honey."

"I'm still scared." I sniffle.

She nods. "Love is scary sometimes. Louis." She leans back and holds my face in her hands. "You know your dad and I love you no matter what. We love Harry too."

I nod once. "When did you know?"

"That you two were together or that you loved him?"

I wipe my eyes. "The answers are different?"

She taps my nose. "Boo bear I knew you loved him when you were 12 and you jumped in the lake when he fell in and couldn't swim. You were so worried about him and you held him so gently. I could see it in your eyes, in that moment I knew you loved him. A mother always knows when her child is in love or hurting. That look of love never left,not even now when youre breaking apart. Now I figured out when you were together about a year and a half ago when I heard you both in the shower laughing about shampoo in your eyes."

I smile. "I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise. I tried to protect him from everything but in the end I hurt him the most."

"You love him the most Louis." She wipes my eyes and kisses my cheek. "Do you need a day?"

I shake my head no. I stand up and grab my clothes heading for the shower. How can I love him the most and hurt him the most? Because he loves you, fucking idiot. My head screams at me. I stop fighting with my subconscious and get dressed for school.

I've already missed the first 3 classes by the time I arrive. I don't know what my mum wrote on the paper excuse but it seemed believable and the office woman told me to feel better and go to the nurse if I needed to. I stop by my locker first and open it to find a sticky note on the door.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. My window will always be open for you. <3

I smile putting it back on the door. I walk into my fourth period and hand the teacher my late note. I take my seat next to Liam and he tries to ask me what's wrong. I shake my head. I really do try to concentrate but I can't focus, that is at least until lunch. I grab some chips and a coke from the vending machine and head to my normal table.

"Lou!" Harry smiles at me as I sit down.

"Haz." I sit next to him and Zayne kicks my ankle.

"So Louis why did you miss practice? Snooze your alarm too many times." Zayne rolls his eyes.

"Something like that." Harry glances at me and looks back at his food. I smirk and throw a cheeto at Zayne's head. "He shoots. He scores."

He growls rolling his eyes. "Show off."

"Always."

After lunch I walk towards the gym which is also the same direction as the freshman lockers.

"Haz! Wait." I jog to keep pace with him. "I...I meant what I wrote. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you."

"You haven't." He smiles at me. "I'm always here. It'll just be different for a while. I also meant what I wrote. My window is always open. Happy dreaming tonight Lou."

He hugs me and walks to his locker. He knows I snuck in. He wants me to come again. It felt like my heart stopped when he said things would be different for a while. I didn't want that.

I didn't want different.

I want Harry.

My Harry.