in my life : camren ON HOLD

chapter : one

It's been one and a half years since the accident. One and a half years since I lost Taylor. One and a half years since I lost myself.

Even though I didn't die in that accident it felt like I did. Every waking minute since then was spent thinking of it, thinking of how I could've saved her, thinking of the fact that I shouldn't be here, thinking of her and why she isn't here too. If I made it surely she should have too, yet here we are. I'm walking, I'm breathing, I'm alive. She's six feet under, stiff as a board, and decomposing.

If I'm not awake then I'm dreaming about it. I'm back in that car, Taylor by my side, and we're cruising down the empty road, going nowhere in particular. She's smiling, so am I. There's no phone, no other cars, it's just us. That's about as good as it gets though. Our car stops and her side of the car is coming down, flattening on top of her and all I can do I sit there, I can't move I can only watch, she's screaming at me to do something. Her screaming doesn't stop, even as she's being crushed, she keeps going and I'm forced to listen, trapped in my unconsciousness.

It hardly gets to that point though, usually I'll wake before that. I'll get up and wander the house while half the world's asleep, shuffling aimlessly until I get tired again and fall into a dreamless slumber. This scares my family. They hear me scream and get up, they hear me walk around. They've even found me asleep on the couch or at the kitchen table, even on the swing in our backyard. This scared them so much that they decided a change in location would be good for me, that new surroundings would be good for me, that the old ones were messing me up.

That's all I have of her, don't they know that? This place is her forever, the only place where she is eternal. As long as this place is here then she's here. Why are they taking me away from her? Oh yeah, it'll be good for me.

***

I step out of the backseat of our car, grabbing one of my boxes, the Arizona heat hitting me. I shield the sun out of my eyes and look at our new house, it looked simple enough. It was two stories tall, all white with brown trim. It was gated with regular fencing, the yard was filled with overgrown grass and one large tree, a tire swing tied to its sturdiest branch.

If it weren't for these circumstances I would have thought this place looked nice and homey, but we are under these circumstances and I couldn't bring myself to see this place that way. Home was where she was.

"Camila?" my mom got my attention. "You okay?"

"I'm fine mom." I reassured her.

"Just checking. How about you girls go and pick out your rooms?" I nodded my head and opened the gate, it swung with squeak. I stood there at the end of our yard. This is it Tay, this is where I leave you.
Sofi pushed past me and ran to the front door.

"Hurry up slow poke!" I laughed and ran to her, she's the only one who treats me the same. Probably because she doesn't understand what happened but I'm grateful for that. I would've gone crazy without Sofi.

I opened our door, giving it a nudge to free it's hinges of unuse. The house was pretty nice inside, definitely more roomy than I thought it would be. Sofi and I ran up the steps trying to find the better room, Sofi was way faster than I am so she made it to a room first. She stuck here tongue out at me as she opened the door and disappeared inside. I walked to a door at the end of the landing and opened it.

The door opened to a small stair case, I held on to the banister with one hand and carried my box in the other. The room was huge, the ceiling was slanted because of the position it was in, the slanted part homed two large windows. The room was illuminated by the sun outside, it's walls were a pale purple its ceiling covered in silver stars. I looked to the left, this side of the room was darker but I could still see how spacious it was.
"You like it?" I jumped and turned around, dropping the box in my hand.

"Geez mom." I held my chest. "You scared the shit out of me." the older woman chuckled.

"Language young lady." she reprimanded. "Sofi doesn't need to be hearing you say things like that."

"Sorry." I scratched the back of my neck.

"It's okay," she studied me, probably making sure I was okay again. "did you like the room?"

"Yeah." I looked around then picked my box back up. "It's nice."

"Well, we've got a lot of unpacking to do," she backed down from the steps. "so I'll leave you to it." I nodded and watched her go.

I walked to my bed, having been previously brought here by the movers, and set my box down. I pulled out the first thing, a picture of Taylor and I from when we were five. I smile at it and set it on my nightstand. I gather the rest of my things from that box and put them in their respective places.

I sat on my bed and looked around, it was all finally settling in. If I didn't have some kind of emotional breakdown now, I knew I would have one later. I hadn't even cried yet, I couldn't, this all felt so weird. As if I would wake up any minute and I'd be back home. Back to remembering, back to regretting, back to Taylor. I haven't woken up yet, so that's good I suppose.

I stood up and walked to the window, looking out into our yard. My mom and dad were taking things out of the trunk. My eyes strayed beyond them and fell on a girl across the street, she was sitting in her yard picking daisies. Her dark hair fell into her face as she gathered the flowers, once she was done she stood up, her dark flowing skirt covered in grass. She stuffed the plants into a brown messenger bag then wiped her hands on her gray sweater. She started walking towards her house, her bare feet sinking into the earth. At the last second she turned and looked up at me, I held her gaze for a moment. She gave me a slight smile and turned back, opening her door and disappearing inside.

[Chapter Song: In My Life by the Beatles]