Judas Kiss

Chapter 23.

Jax

I watched Ari pack a few of Abel's things in my bags. Today we were leaving for Ireland, but for financial reasons and my own personal feelings, Ari was staying behind. It wasn't hard to turn her down considering that we didn't have room for an extra person for the Ireland trip, but I knew it pained her not to go with me to find him.

She has said nothing of substance to me ever since she gave me the money. At first, I tried to convince myself that maybe she was having second thoughts about the money, but I knew better than to think that. She wanted Abel back home just as much as I did, just as much as my mom did. She would never hesitate to give him the clothes off her back if he needed them.

It was just too hard to accept that the only thing that kept her in my life was Abel. She no longer loved me like she used to, and it showed in how she acted around me now. We had moments where we almost lived like roommates, but there was always care and compassion on her end.

She'd always look after me, and she cared about me in ways that I loved. But now, she hardly spoke to me or sat with me. She used to be home at the exact same time to meet me after I was done with the club. She never knew what time I was getting off, so she always wanted to be there when I came home.

Now, she spent all her days working. She was out the door early and would come home late. I secretly thought this was her way of avoiding me, and it was working. It was driving me crazy, and I wanted to sit her down and explain to her that I did want to break up with Tara. But that night we got back together, she was screaming and crying. I know it's pathetic and I knew that she didn't belong in my world, but she wasn't convinced that I was being truthful about the breakup. And I knew that Tara's determination would make her do everything in her power to prove to me that she belonged in my world.

I didn't want that for Tara. She was a surgeon and she worked hard for that title. I didn't want her taking time off work to help me with club stuff. I didn't want her compromising her job to help me out, and I certainly didn't want her going around punching people on my or my family's behalf.

I knew my reasoning would sound absolutely pathetic to Ari, and I didn't want to waste my potential last chance with her that way. She would see how weak I was with Tara or cowardly I should say. And I didn't want her to get that side of me. She'd been married to that guy already and I lost her that way. I couldn't be the same old Jax if I wanted a second chance.

"Hey," I turned my head at her voice as she walked up to me. She was wearing her uniform, so I knew that she was sticking to the plan and continuing her normal routine for the cops. "I packed a couple of diapers and clothes for when you get him. Just in case he needs a change."

I nodded my head, "Thanks, I'm sure those will work out just fine."

She nodded her head and let out a heavy sigh. "I just miss him y'know. I can't wait to hold him again. Not seeing him is killing me."

I nodded my head in agreement because I had seen how hard Abel's disappearance had been on her. She hardly slept or ate, and it was taking a significant toll on her physical appearance. She was always tired and she'd lost a noticeable amount of weight.

"I'll bring him home darlin', promise."

She looked up at me with a soft smile. I held out my arms for an embrace and she walked into it. It was a long and tight hug, the kind where I could feel her heart beating. "Be careful Jax," she said into my ear, which caused me to hold her tighter.

She was so close to me, but somehow she still felt so far away. "Just in case things don't go as planned, just know that I love you, Ari. In my own twisted away, from the purest part of my heart."

She inhaled a deep breath and released it causing her body to shake. I knew she had probably begun to cry, but I was intent on hearing her say it back. Because even though we were messed up, I didn't want to leave without hearing it back.

However, before she mustered up the courage to say anything I heard keys jingle in the door. Ari jumped away from me, startled by the sound, and scurried off into the kitchen with tears in her eyes. I watched her walk away holding onto the words that I so desperately wanted to hear.

"You ready to go?" I turned around to see Tara standing there.

"Y-yeah, I'm ready. Clay is coming with the truck soon."

Tara nodded her head as she approached me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her lips to mine. When she pulled away, she had a soft smile on her face. "I didn't want to go to work without seeing you go."

I relaxed at her touch and stole a quick glance in the direction of the kitchen. I knew that Ari had heard Tara's arrival, and she made no attempts at seeing her as she escaped from the kitchen door. Tara made an awkward face as we both heard the kitchen door slam.

"I didn't know she was here."

"She's going to work," I said trying to ignore the topic of Ari.

Tara nodded her head, "did she at least say goodbye to you?" I groaned at Tara's question, because the last person I wanted to talk about was Ari, especially with Tara.

"Yeah, she packed some stuff for Abel and said goodbye."

"Oh, that was nice of her, I bet she's happy that you guys know where he is."

I shrugged, "she won't be happy until she's holding him in her arms."

"Right," Tara said awkwardly, "I just meant—"

"Tara, can we talk about something else? I really don't want to talk about...her right now." Tara looked slightly put off by my request but dropped the topic nonetheless.

I wasn't angry with Tara, but more so agitated with Ari. I knew that I didn't deserve to hear her say she loved me too, but it still stung realizing that there was hesitation now. She never hesitated to say it back to me. In the past, she used to say it without even waiting to hear it back. But now it felt like we had swapped roles, and I was starting to finally feel what she felt all those years.