Stimming

11

TW: slurs, self harm, suicide attempt
DISCLAIMER: I don't like slurs or the use of them. I get called slurs semi-often and it honestly is a part of my life that I wish didn't exist. For this story I think that it is necessary for the plot.
Also, self harm is a serious topic, it can be triggering for me too sometimes. If you need someone to talk to I'm here or on youtube https://www.youtube.com/@Taryn_Jane please talk to me if you feel like you need to sh or ky. Please don't, I'm here
Also, time skip to like January.
3rd Person POV
"What's masking?" Louis asks, wrapping his arms around Harry from behind unexpectedly, making him flinch. "Sorry did I scare you?"
"Little bit yeah." Harry says, looking up at him from where he's sat on the ground.
"M'sorry."
"S'okay. Do you need something?"
"What's masking?"
"Mask;verb; gerund or present participle: masking; 1) cover (the face) with a mask. 'he had been masked, bound, and abducted' 2) conceal (something) from view. 'the poplars masked a factory' 3) disguise or hide (a or quality). 'brandy did not completely mask the bitter taste' 4) cover (an object or surface) so as to protect it from a process, especially painting. 'mask off doors and cupboards with sheets of plastic'"
"Not what I meant Mr. Dictionary. Like autistic masking."
"M'not a dictionary."
"No but you've memorized it all."
"Have not."
"Answer the question."
"When you pretend not to be autistic. Hiding stims and pretending to understand what people mean. Like if someone says something and everyone else starts laughing then I pretend to laugh so people don't think I'm mean for not laughing even though I don't know why everyone is laughing."
"Why would you do that?"
"To prevent being bullied more. Or being called rude. Or being laughed at." Harry says, remembering the thousands of times he would come home from school, exhausted from pretending to be someone he wasn't.
"How often do you do it?" Louis asks, still holding his boyfriend from behind.
"Almost every day."
"Even when it's just us?"
"Not usually."
"Why do you do it when it's just us?"
"Dunno."
"Don't. I won't judge you."
"I'll try. But no promises."
"As long as you're trying."
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Harry's POV
"Can I sit there?" a voice says, snapping me out of my trance.
"Sorry?" I say, not having heard what they said. I look up to see a girl, whose name I remember to be Harper.
"Can I sit there?" she repeats, gesturing to the seat next to mine.
"Umm... sure."
"What's your name?"
"Harry. You're Harper right?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"We were in the same class in year one. (kindergarten)"
"How do you remember that? We're in year seven (grade 6)." she asks, a look of what I can only assume to be shock on her face.
"I don't know. I guess I just have a good memory." I say with a shrug.
"So, why were you sitting here all alone?"
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"Morning Harry." Harper greets, sitting next to me again. It's nice to finally have a friend after years of being alone. We've been friends for over a year now. "What are you drawing today?"
"Our primary school librarian." I say, not looking up from my drawing.
"Why?"
"She's got terminal cancer and I thought she might like it. I would always hide out in there during lunch and we were quite fond of each other."
"Why don't you ever look at me when we talk?"
"I don't like eye contact." I say, deciding to finally be 100% honest with her.
"Why not? Not to be mean, but it's kinda rude."
"That's what happens when you have autism and ADHD."
"You have autism?"
"And ADHD yes."
"Gross. Lose my number." she says, standing up and walking away. She mumbled something that sounded something like "And to think I ever had a crush on him."
After that day my life was a living hell. By lunchtime that day, everyone knew that I was "a retard". Everyone would avoid me like the plague and pick on me and tease me. I stopped taking the bus to and from school just to avoid the kids. My mum found out and almost lost her job driving me to and from school. Eventually Gemma started driving me but then she went off to college so I had to walk again. Some kids, the "brave ones", would physically hurt me. Kicking, punching, tripping, shoving, you name it, they did it. Every day was painful, emotionally and physically. I was always covered in bruises and scratches. By year 9 (8th grade) they had me convinced that I deserved it. Harper had long moved away but what she did never left me. I started cutting myself and hiding it with bracelets. Robin and mum started to notice that I hardly left my room. Somehow, I managed to convince them to let me skip a grade. Skipping year 10 (grade 9/freshman) was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. They stopped bullying me for being a retard and instead started trying to be friends with me. I didn't let them, not trusting anyone after what happened with Harper. I thought I still deserved to be hurt. One night, I tried to end it all. I cut deep. Deeper than I ever had before. I cut until I felt bone. I sat on my bedroom floor waiting for everything to end. Everything was a blur. My mum yelling at me for something downstairs, a door slamming, maybe a phone ringing. There was blood. A lot of blood. Everything went black...

I jolt awake, breathing far too heavily. Retard. Retard. Retard. It plays in my head like an alarm that you can't find the off button for.
"Are you alright?" Louis asks, sleepily sitting up next to me. I probably woke him up with how fast and heavy I'm breathing. I know that this is causing an asthma attack right now, but I can't get enough air to talk. "Shit. Do you need your inhaler?" I nod, hoping that he can see me in the dark. Thankfully he understands and runs to grab my inhaler from the bathroom cabinet. "Open up H." I open my mouth as Louis pumps the medicine into my lungs. Instantly I get some relief but I still need more. "Another?" I nod again and get more of the amazing medicine pumped into my lungs. "You okay?"
"M'fine."
"Don't say that. You just had an asthma attack at like two in the morning. What happened? Why are you crying?" Louis says, wrapping his arms around me. I take them off, feeling a bit claustrophobic.
"A stupid nightmare. It's nothing. Go back to sleep."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No. Go back to sleep."
"Are you going back to sleep with me?"
"I'll try."
"I love you. Wake me up if you wake up again alright?"
"Okay. I love you too."
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Hopefully it wasn't too triggering for most people, I tried not to go into too much detail with the sh but idk. this chapter is probably one of the most vulnerable yet and I like it. I'm lowkey trying to just work until the chapter that I came up with around chapter 3/4 and have been trying to work there but I can't skip that much time so agh.