until i found you ||| sokeefe oneshots

- the things they never tell you-

before i start, i wanted to include that there is the topic of death in here, so you might not want to read this if that kinda thing upsets you.

Why do people have to keep these things a secret? Maybe if I knew sooner, I wouldn't have done what I did. But it's too late now. 

The feeling still lingers on me no matter how many times I change or take a shower. It crawls into my dreams every night and leaves me to dread the morning. If only he was here. He could've fixed it. He fixed everything. But he's not. No matter how many times I call his name, he never comes.

But that's on me. The time Keefe needed me most, I didn't show up. Me not seeing him before he died. I'm guessing that was my punishment. That's the part where you see the hopefullness drain out of their eyes and the last flash of realization ignite within them. The time when fate has picked a side and coiled them into it's grasp. When their body lies still after a long battle and you know there's nothing that could bring them back, but you try anyway because you're praying on a delicate miracle that's dragging itself up into thin air. 

I know people say that moment's the worst part, but I want the feeling of knowing I did everything I could. But I didn't.

Really, it's stupid how he died. We both knew we had death threats on us, but we believed they vanished after the Neverseen fell. But we forgot that just because the Neverseen died doesn't mean that their beliefs did. 

The next thing we knew, I woke up to a reddened bed and a letter. And all it said was, "You should've seen this coming, Moonlark." And whovever wrote that is right. I should've.

That day, I hugged his wounded body. The knife shoved into his heart, and all. As blood stained my shirt, tears pattered onto his.

The weird thing is, that wasn't the worst day of them all. It was the next. 

The simple things weren't simple anymore. Waking up alone is peaceful to some, but the silence rung through my ears the whole day. No humming or slight beat of his foot when he was painting. No more pencil marks etching into paper. Not even the chuckling echoes across the house. It was just full of silence. And more silence.

And when I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, I needed to feel Keefe's thin fingers braiding tiny parts of my hair. But when I opened my eyes, I didn't meet his icy eyes.  He didn't put his hand on top of mine to let in a cool breeze on that summer day. He couldn't. Because there is no he anymore. 

In the evening, I saw a painting of the both of us during our wedding left unfinished on the easel. I began to tell him that it looked so pretty, and he's the best artist out there, and I swear I felt his feet shuffle closer to mine and hold me tight. His arms loosely around my neck with me hanging my hands by his. As I awaited a response,  I looked towards the mirror and realized I was hanging onto a ghost. 

Today marks a week since Keefe died, and I feel even more broken than before. They say time heal wounds, but they were wrong. My heart hurts whenever I do something that could make me happy. As if he wouldn't want me to be happy. I know he would, but I don't want to throw him aside for my enjoyment. I hate when people visit me, and tell me advice because "that's what Keefe would want." No one knows him like I do, and now, they never will.

But I don't think I can live in this pain for longer. I feel like half of my heart has vanished away from me all too fast, and I'm bare. I think I let everyone down. They always told me I was strong. And I was. But not anymore. I don't want to give a fight. I want this to be over. The suffocating pain. The once happy memories. All of it. 

Hopefully, I find peace soon, but if not, the story of my life will be complete. The last chapter will be called, "How the Moonlark Lost It's Wings."

author's note:

hey! i don't usually write sad things, but the main point of this book was for me to get better. so i'm just trying this out. it's not for everybody, and i know that, but please let me know if some of my feeling were inaccurate or what you thought. also, because school is starting, i'm planning to post every monday at least and more if i have time.