Trans and Non-binary Guidebook

Dating Part 2:

One key thing about dating is letting your partner(s) know what you are comfortable with, and having them let you know what they are comfortable with. When you do that, it makes the relationship healthy by setting clear boundaries. It leaves less room for confusion and feelings of hurt for both parties. Also make sure to let your partner(s) know what you are uncomfortable with, so they are aware of it and won't accidentally hurt you, when they ask to do something. Make sure as well, to ask them what they are uncomfortable with so you don't accidentally hurt them, when you ask to do something. Some people aren't ready or, do not want to have sex, and that is ok. Other people do not like to be touched in certain scenarios, and will specifically state, "please don't touch me", and that is ok as well. For example, when I have a panic attack, I do not like to be touched, and I specifically say so. I do that so people know that I do not want to be touched at that time. Making a list of what both parties are comfortable with, and what they are not comfortable with could be helpful. So, you and your partner(s) know what each other's comfort level is with certain things, and can refer back to the list when needed.

Here is a sample chart you and your partner(s) can use:

Name:
Activity:
Comfort Level(0-10):
0= hard no
1= no
2= eh
3= debating
4= meh
5= thinking
6= considering
7= maybe/trying the activity
8= yes and somewhat comfortable
9= comfortable
10= super comfortable and hard yes

Example:
Name: Arrow
Activity: Cuddling
Comfort Level(0-10): 10

Another key thing about dating is consent and communication which I talked about in the first section, and wanted to dive deeper into it. If you do not want to do something, you don't have to. Making sure you communicate with your partner(s) about it so they know is huge. Saying something is better than you feeling really uncomfortable, and possibly experiencing flashbacks, if you have trauma associated with the proposed activity. While it is good to talk face to face with people in general, it can make people really anxious. If that is the case in your situation, you could write down what you want to say, and leave it for your partner(s) to read. Once they read it, you can come together to discuss it if you are both ready, or set up a time to talk about it. So if both parties need time to process the information, they have time to do that without feeling rushed. Rushing things can cause people to feel annoyed, and many other emotions as well. When you and your partner(s) come together, try your best to keep your voice even and not to yell. I know it can be hard if things do get heated. If things happen to get heated or you are getting overwhelmed, it is ok to take a break. Make sure if you need a break to communicate to your partner(s) about it. You could say "hey, I really need to take a break from talking about this right now. Things are getting pretty frustrating and, I feel like the conversation is getting to the point of not being productive at this time. I am not trying to be mean, or hurtful in any way. We can resume later or table it for another day." If you are feeling overwhelmed you could say, "hey I am feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I really need to take a break from talking about this. I feel like the conversation is getting to the point of not being productive at this time. I am not trying to be mean, or hurtful in any way. We can resume later or table it for another day." If you do decide to table the conversation for another day, make sure to pick a time that works for both parties, and make sure you will have plenty of time to talk. Both parties could agree to talk about the topic for a certain amount of time, and set a timer. For example, you and your partner(s) could decide that you are only going to talk about the topic for 30 mins, and then plan another time to talk. Breaking it up in chunks can be helpful becuase it lessens the likelihood of getting overwhelmed. Talking for a short amount of time about the topic, can also reduce the possibility of things getting heated as well. Emphasizing what I said previously, if things do start to get heated, pause the conversation and table it for another time or day. Telling your partner(s) that if things do get heated, the best course of action could be we just end the conversation, and table it for another day. It would be ideal to let them know before you have the conversation, and if you can't, make sure to let them know before you start. A skill that I have used before, is DEARMAN which comes from DBT(Dilectical Behavioral Thearpy). DEARMAN is used to help effectively communicate your wants and needs. It can help with organizing your thoughts, and ideas as well. I will include a link below that describes what each letter stands for, and provides a worksheet that you can fill out. I have not dated that many people so my experience is pretty limited. I'm just trying my best to give advice, and help you all out the best I can. Stay safe and stay you.

Arrow 💙🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

DEARMAN:
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-dear-man