8 is fate // Stray Kids

25

TW: mentioning of s*icide

Chan

Chan's hands felt clammy as he stood in front of the door. There was no trace of the smell of blood left, but he couldn't help but feel anxious nonetheless.

Whenever he closed his eyes, he could see Han's lifeless body on the floor and himself crouching over him. His teeth buried deep inside his neck, collecting every single drop of blood that pumped through Han's veins and arteries.

And as much as this image horrified Chan, he felt a part of himself craving it.

He had never felt this out of control, not when it came to himself. It scared him shitless.

He felt like he couldn't trust himself anymore.

It drove him mad.

His hand shook uncontrollably as it hovered over the door handle.

He had been stalling much longer than he should have, but whenever he got close to the room, he chickened out.

He was torn inside. He wanted nothing more but to see Han, to wrap his arms around him and to make sure that he was fine. But he was so very scared that he would see his carotid artery pulsating, that he would hear the blood rushing through his veins, that he could smell it even though it was safely secured inside his body.

Changbin's voice rang inside his head, reminding him that Han needed him. That Han trusted him, that he wasn't scared of him, that he didn't blame him, that he knew something he didn't. That he might have answers.

Chan didn't have any trouble being around the younger before the incident, why should it be different now?

Chan tried to drown his anxiety in rationality. There was no reason for him to lose control as long as Han didn't have an open wound.

He would be fine.

With new determination he finally grabbed the handle.

But as soon as Chan set foot into the room, he knew he was too late.

The room was empty.

He could feel his heart clench painfully as he stared at the empty bed. He had lost him again. He had failed again.

Chan stepped closer to the bed noticing that there were seven envelopes draped on the blanket.

In neat handwriting each envelope carried one of their names.

With trembling hands, Chan reached for the one with his on it.

Dear Channie,

I'm sorry to leave like this. I hoped to see you one last time before I go – I held off writing your letter the longest – but I understand why you didn't come. Please know that it wasn't your fault and that it is also not the reason why I have left. To be honest. I never planned on staying from the beginning. Originally, Felix persuaded me to stay only until I've found some place better. But then I met you, Binnie and Hyunjin and suddenly, leaving got so much harder. I got selfish, telling myself that I deserved to stay for a couple of weeks longer. I should have known better. I brought misfortune along with me, like I always do. And now I have caused nothing but damage. Pain and turmoil seem to be the only thing I ever leave behind. Because of me, your team shattered into tiny pieces that need assembling and rearranging.