Made For Me (bwwm)

S I X

S A S H A

Leaving Alex with Ivy was one of my most risky decisions. However, I have business I have to handle today.

I'm seeing my father, well he's visiting for the most part. Ever since I've gone to college I tried to have minimal contact with my dad.

Only because with my dad comes my siblings and with some of my siblings comes my stepmother. I'm not interested in seeing her.

It's nothing personal, I just will always miss my mother and she just reminds me of my father trying to replace my mom and it only frustrates me.

He moved on so fast, she killed herself and not even a year later he's so fast to say he's already dating and thinking about proposing.

I understand moving on and I'll never hold it against him that he was stronger than me and didn't let her passing stop him from even thinking about another woman again, but I think sometimes I envy it. And other times I find it suspicious.

Sometimes I just wish that I didn't let her death hold me so tightly as it has.

"Sasha" my dad speaks up again and then it hits me that he's finally at the restaurant.

"Hey," I get up accepting the short hug he gives me.

"How are you?" He asks and I shrug.

"Living, you?" Thinking about it, I'm stuck between still having that permanent slump in my body that only really radiates darkness and having a newfound kick of serotonin that's bringing light to my life.

I'm not sure where it's coming from but I'm also not complaining.

"I'm pretty good, Angie and I are setting up for Christmas time", he smiles.

Sometimes I don't even realize how fast time is moving, it's Christmas season but it doesn't really feel that way. Maybe because I stopped coming home for break.

"What are your plans for break?" He asks and I just stare at him blankly.

"I'm staying at the house with Alex, we have to stay close because this is the final couple of games before the finals." I remind him and he nods almost like he forgot.

My mom was supportive of football. My father, however, had his own feelings about it.

"Have there been any new women in your life?" He asks and honestly, as much as I want to tell him about Kimani I'm just not ready yet.

I really like her but what if she's not permanent? My dad is going to want to meet her. He's going to want to introduce her to everyone. What if I lose her too?

I can't have that just yet, I have to make sure everything is secured.

"Nah not really?" I shrug and he nods, here we go back to the awkward silence. I can't take silence either.

There are so many little things that affect me, but one of them is silence. It takes me back to the little 13-year-old me.

Sitting there in silence watching everything go down. Sitting there in awe, in confusion. Pure fear running through my veins that night. The night that changed me for the rest of my life.

One gunshot, lots of screams, lots of crying, lots of blood. That night feels like a fever dream. Nightmare. A fever nightmare.

"Did you hear me?" My dad taps me and I snap myself out of my thoughts shaking my head.

"No, what happened?" I furrow my brows, trying to give him my full attention.

"If you'd like to come down for Christmas break Angie and I would really enjoy that. Jordan's coming down from college and so is Caroline." He adds in like that would make me change my mind.