Him & I

40

"Where it shouldn't have been, for starters."

"Soledad. I get it that you're my sister, but it's really not right to snoop through my things."

"Your things, Melissa Anica, your things? Is this tape also yours? Can you stop beating around the bush and tell me where this thing came from?!"

"You already know! So, stop asking."

"Anica, you have no right to go through mom's things. That garage is off limits."

Anger rises in my throat and I face her, yet I'm still trying hard to be civil. "Why? Why is it off limits?"

"Ask your great grandparents why."

I snort. "You know you're the reason we went there in the first place."

"What do you mean by we?"

"Toby and I."

"Toby and—" Her jaw slacks, and I watch her eyes grow a size, the way I knew they would. "You took Diego with you? Are you insane? Have you lost your mind?"

"You told Toby you wished he'd never been born!"

"And I apologized! What's your fucking point?!"

"You think apologizing changes everything?"

"Taking him to the garage does?"

"What's so sacred about the garage, anyway? Why do you and dad get so worked up about it? Why are we keeping mom's things if seeing them is some kind of taboo?"

"You can't seriously be asking me that question."

"I am! It's getting really weird how we don't even talk about—" The remaining words get caught on my tongue, and it's an upper hand for my sister. Because I, right there, have the answer to my unasked question.

But deep down I know we're not okay. I hate how— "I hate how scared we are of the past."

A sigh escapes her lips, her eyes almost rolling and face showing how much she dreads the conversation. "Anica, just... don't, Okay? Leave things as they are."

She starts coming towards the door, and I'd leave things as they are if she wasn't leaving with the video tape.

"Soledad, please drop the video tape."

She cautiously turns to me. "Why would I do that?"

"Because... because, I want to return it."

"Never mind, I will."

"Danielle," I say her name with a grunt 'cause I know  she knows.

"You're not planning on returning it, are you."

"Can you just give it to me? I want to see what's on it, I've already seen part of it, I want to see the rest."

"You've gotta be kidding me."

"Soledad, I'll leave things be if you drop the video tape."

"What if I say no?"

"What are you scared of?"

She's taken aback, eying me like we're meeting for the first time. "There's something wrong with you."

"Yeah, and there's something wrong with you too. With all of us. We've kept mom's things in the garage for so long, no one goes there, the one time I dare to, you nearly get a heart attack. We are not okay. I'm not a specialist but there's definitely something wrong with us. All of us. What the hell, Toby had never even got to know what his mother looked like till I took him there, do you think it's okay? We're saving ourselves from pain forgetting how Toby might feel about it—"

"She was my mother!"

"She was mine too."

"No!" Her voice echoes throughout the room, causing everything to immediately go still. Then, she uses her clothed elbow to wipe her eyes.

Seeing her cry for the first time ever, I get the itching feeling to hug her. "Soledad,"

"I lost way more than you did."

"I'm sorry but you can't say that."

"I did. Your memories of her aren't even clear. I remember everything. Do you know how hard it is to remember everything?"

A lump that forms in my throat makes it hard to swallow. Danielle-Soledad's only two years older than me, but if she remembers everything, then two years means a lot. Because she's right. My memories of mom aren't clear.

"What was on it?" She asks after clearing her throat, cleaning her face so it's almost as if she'd never cried. Almost.

"Um, it was mom. She... I thought it was going to be some kind of pregnancy journey tape?— I mean, that's what Toby thought but... I don't think so. The video looked pretty off."

Confusion slowly takes over my sister's face, then an expression I can't decipher. It cracked." I continue, "Um... about ten seconds in, it stopped... you know. It's cracked. And I don't know how to fix it."

A beat passes with her not responding, not even her breath can be heard and it's almost as if someone has pressed pause in a movie we're playing in.

But finally, "I know a guy." The serious tone shifts when she snorts and mimics herself. "I know a guy. Typical." I laugh a little once I get the joke.

"There's this guy, Diablo, at the office. He's really good at— actually, he's good at a lot of things. He's like, jack of all trade but in this case, master of all. Diablo... knows how to deal with things like this. He can even restore hard copy photos that had been completely damaged."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Well, I don't know how big of a deal that is but when I saw him do it for the first time, I was blown away, trust me."

I respond with a solemn nod. Then, "You're... gonna take the tape to him?"

"I—" She blinks, and I start to get the vibe that she's backing out.

"Danielle."

"I will."

"You sure?"

"It's... just promise me. Promise me, Anica,  that you won't go back there. To that garage, much less take our brother with you."

While I feel aggravated that she still doesn't get it, none of what I told her has sunk in— obviously. While I feel that way, I try to be understanding. It's going to take more than a day and well, more than a few words to make her understand.

So, my answer comes out calmly. "No."

"No?"

"Danielle-Soledad, I know you don't get it, okay? But I can't continue living in the eye of the storm, I don't want to. You shouldn't either, however you'll get there at your own time, I guess."

She lets out a bitter laugh. "And where did this obsession of digging up the past come from?"

"That's the thing, Soledad, I'm not digging up the past. I'm reconciling with it."

After a dreadful long pause, she leaves my room without another word.