Beyond the end

Cracks in the ice

"Thank you for picking me up," Kelly said timidly as she got into the car.
"No problem," Brandon smiled at her without joy.
"I left Grace and Sammy at my mother's"
"You did well, funerals are not places for children," Brandon replied, "Dylan and Brenda are waiting for us at church and the others too. Clare preferred to go with Donna and David"
"I can't believe he's dead"
"Yeah" Brandon replied sad "not me either"
She stroked his face "how are you?"
"Well" he smiled happily at her hands on her face "but after Nat, I don't know it's like I feel something is collapsing and these are things that make you see the priorities of life, because you realize that all this time we don't have it. "
'A great truth'
Brandon looked at her, he wanted to add anything else but didn't say a word.
The church was full of people, the canchelor's career had been long and fruitful, he had shook hundreds of hands, met people from all over the world and it almost seemed that they all had gathered there, at that precise moment. Clare was at the first counter next to Donna. She looked even smaller and more fragile. They had never seen her like this. She had returned to Los Angeles to spend time with her father, her own life had been dictated by wanting to be close to her father, her choices. After her mother's death she had no one else. It was a symbiosis, a constant mutual concern.
However, her crying was not convulsive. It was quiet, thin, even transparent.
Steve sat two benches further back.
Brandon waved to his sister.
"Dylan?"
"He's out, he can't stand the funeral. He prefers it that way"
"Eh I guess"
Brenda and Kelly greeted each other coldly. Nothing that wasn't planned by Kelly. They hadn't looked for each other, they hadn't even tried a clarification since Kelly decided she wanted to be a little alone, Kelly knew she considered her the reason for her brother's broken heart and probably Brenda hated her.
Brandon approached Kelly's ear "if you want to go near Clare go ahead, I mean, no problem."
"No, I prefer to be here with you," she replied.
Brenda glanced at her brother who felt her gaze on him but did not turn around.
The funeral ceremony was very touching, the canchelor was a loved and esteemed person, his cheerfulness, sometimes even bizarre was the subject of memories by the interveners, even in the garden of Casa Arnold where the reception was held.
"Steve" Kelly told him " if you want to go talk to her then go"
"I can't she doesn't want to have anything to do with me"
"Yes, Clare told me. A crap"
"Thank you Kelly"
"What did you expect to happen?"
"I made a mistake," Steve whispered as he saw Valerie talking to some of those in the corner of his eye.
They hadn't spoken.
Dylan and Brenda watched on the sidelines. They had gone to the funeral out of respect for Clare but they had to admit that little they knew the canchelor and just as well as Clare. In those years they were not here. These were the years of separation.
"I hate funerals," Dylan said.
"You didn't go to her grave at the cemetery," Brenda observed, stroking his hair.
"And what's the point. Tonia is a memory stuck in time. There is only one stone there. And not even the body"
Brenda looked at him gently, Tonia was not a ghost to her, and not even a fear , she was the reason he had returned to her in London years earlier.
In the greatest pain Dylan had returned to her and this was something Brenda didn't forget and that's why she had welcomed him in all the circumstances she had taken him with her.
"I wanted to go to Mrs Winley these days"
"Why?"
"I don't know they didn't let us know anything after the interviews," Brenda said.
"Maybe they don't have to let us know anything"
"I know but I want to go through it" now Brenda was staring at him.
"Brenda please forget it you know how these things are.. of endless delays"
Dylan's little involvement hurt Brenda. She felt that something was missing in his attitude, that maybe he was satisfying her neuroses and it was not what he wanted for himself.
"I'm going to get something to drink," Dylan said, "do you want something?"
"No" shook her head "I'm fine thank you"
Dylan stood up joining Brandon and the others at the refreshment table.
Kelly approached Brenda at that very moment "let's go I know you're mad at me," she told her.
"Then let's spare ourselves the pleasantries," Brenda replied tiredly.
"Can I sit down?"
Brenda looked up at her for a moment "please" she said.
Kelly sat next to Brenda who, as much as she tried to avoid her, could not hold back once Kelly had exposed herself at hand.
"What are you up to?" T.
"What do you mean?" Kelly asked looking at her.
"No, I say, before I watched talk to that guy, the one over there, while my brother is forced to look at you and pretend nothing happened. His heart is broken, holy God but don't you see him?"
"It's just Mcgragor Kevin a colleague of mine from the university. Nothing else Brenda."
"Oh sure" Brenda regretted her attitude but preferred to keep her sphinx look.
"What kind of bitch do you think I am"
"I don't know you tell me, because maybe you didn't realize that Brandon was less than five meters from you and looking at you with an air that my dear I don't want to see in my brother's gaze."
"We were just talking Brenda"
"Nothing else?"
Kelly looked down at her shoes "Brenda your brother and I had a hard time"
"So what? Everyone has difficult times. But you have a daughter, and you had just started a journey together and you give up everything, you left then you to go Casa Walsh and he left. I know you made this decision together and I just don't get It."
"Is that what Brandon told you? That the decision is for both of us?"
"Isn't that so?"
No" Kelly shook the head "it was nice of him to say so I guess he wanted to protect me from you" she laughed at irony "but if you want to blame someone the decision is only mine"
"Worse still"
"Brenda, I just need time to figure out what I want, we both have two careers ahead and children, I don't want to feel horrible as I've felt these weeks, and it seems to me much more honest to say it now than to get married and then make things worse."
"Kelly" she replied "I don't know what exactly happened in these weeks, every time we saw you, it seemed like everything was fine, it's obvious that it wasn't like that, and I understand your suffering, but I also see that in my brother's eyes. You can't let everything go without fighting. It doesn't make sense. Not after everything you Both have been through."
"I'm not giving up anything. I just need time."
"Try to think that's what you learned from your childhood, and it made you extremely unhappy. Try to fight instead because he's ready."
Kelly didn't answer, she sipped her glass
"I don't want you to be mad at me," she replied to Brenda, "I couldn't stand it."
Brenda managed to touch Kelly's appeal, she couldn't stand to see her brother hurt, but she couldn't stand to see her hurt either.
She put a hand on her shoulder.
"I know you're not going to take Grace away from him, no matter how it goes, I know you're perfectly aware that he would die from it"
"Don't have any doubts about this," Kel replied.
"I just say that if there is a minimum of hope then try to spend time with him, Brandon doesn't wait for anything else. Try it and if you really see that it doesn't work, then you'll make other decisions."
Dylan came back with a cocktail in his hand, he had timed in the hope of giving the two women time to talk, under his eyes alerted and worried about Brandon as well.
"We have to go Bren, there's the shooting"
"Bye Kel" the two hugged each other "maybe we'll talk these days," Brenda told her.
When Brenda got up to leave, Kelly saw Brandon looking at her a few meters away.
She got up and went to him.
"Do we want to go?" SHe told him "Let's go get the kids and if you like maybe we could cook something for dinner, if you're not busy I mean".
"I can go and pick them up if you want to stay," Brandon said, hinting irritated at Macgragor.
Kel took a sad look " he's just a colleague Brandon. Just that. You have to trust me. Do you see it? We only fight and I can't handle it. To put up with it." Kelly turned to leave but Brandon stopped her with one hand on her arm.
"I'm sorry," He sighed , "sorry, really Kel, I mean.. please let's go get the kids. I'd be happy to be with you tonight, I don't want to be alone."
Kel nodded and pulled out half a smile.
"Me neither.."