Louis POV: The Realness of something sweet
Sometimes in life, there are moments where you feel as though nothing is worth the pain.
Those moments – though so painful and sometimes unbearable – generally end up with something good happening. Although these moments are rare and not always arrive quickly, they do come, and when they do…nothing beats that feeling. Nothing.
So when it was my turn to believe that giving up was the best option, I did stick along, kind of. When my love for Harry was hurting me, I didn’t stop loving him, but I did make myself believe that I would never have a chance of loving him – and I still believe that now. So maybe I didn’t deserve what I am getting right now just yet, but I’m not complaining and there was no way I was going to shrug it off either.
Harry’s arms were wrapped around me, securely, and in a loving way that made my head spin blurrily while we walked inside the cinema’s main entrance. He didn’t realise what he did to me, and what effect his body had towards mine. There are times when I was glad he couldn’t see it, but most of the time, that was pounded down by the strong anger that he couldn’t. I just wish he could see through my ‘mask’ at moments, but not at all times.
I want him to see the pain I have around him when he’s joking around with me, making me love him more, but not actually loving me back. It hurts – simply that. It’s painful watching him love me in the way I love him, but him not truly meaning it. Harry’s love for me in friendly and sometimes faked for the fans ‘Larry Stylinson’ feeding times.
I loved it when he wrapped his hands around my body, just as he is now, but when he did it when we weren’t around other people – also like now. They were the best moments, and my favourite times with Harry nearly include all of these sessions of ‘unreleased feelings’. I wish he could just see though…that way I wouldn’t have to admit my feelings verbally. He could just know them, and hopefully, he’d feel the same way back.
But I knew he didn’t…and I knew, even if he did, he couldn’t. Management wouldn’t allow it – no way in hell, so there was no point in loving him. But I made a promise to myself: tell him your feelings tonight. So far, that plan hadn’t been going so well.
I wanted to make my feelings known to him, in the most un-vocal way possible. But I didn’t want to just…’pounce’ on him like they do in movies, and they suddenly kiss back like they have loved you back their entire life. Because he hasn’t…doesn’t. SO I have to enter is subtly, and have an excuse ready for the aftermath.
But to be honest…I don’t really have one. And if I’m still being truthful, I won’t have one either, because that’s too impossible to think up and he wouldn’t believe whatever I made up either. So I just had to tell him – there was no other way, no buts and no ifs. Because I know I’ll regret this if I don’t.
I’m sick of living in pain all the time…I don’t want this anymore. Even if he doesn’t love me back, at least then I won’t have this on my shoulders…they’ll be gone and the pain maybe won’t be as bad.
The movie theatre was quiet; in fact, I didn’t see anyone at all other than the workers themselves – which was odd because it’s usually a lively place with lines that make you annoyed.
But not tonight. Generally I would have been happy, but something about this didn’t seem right…it was odd almost. Where was everyone? I stepped up to the counter with Harry, who was smiling like a maniac at something I didn’t quite catch. He handed them his movie card and the cash before grabbing the tickets and heading to the theatre room, dragging me along.
We headed through the doors and we took our seats – the theatre was empty so we got first pick. We sat right at the back. I chose that spot because if anyone else came, which they should be, we could have our privacy and not be spotted by fans as easily.
