Elysium

s i e t e

My alarm goes off and wakes me up from my somewhat of a deep slumber. Ugh. It was my turn for the overnight shift last night and everything was so hectic. It started out great until one of our new interns said that it's quiet tonight. Everyone in the medical field knows not to say it's quiet because once you say that all hell breaks loose. That's exactly what happened, all hell broke loose. I felt like everyone's pet had something going on with them. Thank God I was able to make it through the night.

I grab my phone and immediately turn off the blaring sound coming from it. I wish I could just go back to sleep but I can't, even if I wanted to. Sitting up I slowly rub the sleep out of my eyes and do a full stretch. I sit in bed for a couple more minutes just thinking until I finally decide to get up. A nice shower should wake me up and give me a bit of energy. Besides I desperately need one since I didn't take one when I got home.

Turning the bathroom light on I immediately shut my eyes because of the brightness. It's way too early for this, slowly opening them and squinting I manage turn on the shower. With a yawn I release my brown curly hair from its bun and undress. My hair is probably a tangled mess so I'm gonna have to do a hair mask today. I chuckle, curly hair problems. My phone pings letting me know someone texted me.

Alex: 6 days
Alex: Attachment
Alex: I miss you under me

I open the text message and stare at the picture. My phone drops to the bathroom floor as I process what I just saw. I'm unable to stop my hands from trembling. When did he take that picture? I don't even remember him taking that. I try to slow my breathing so I don't hyperventilate and cause myself a panic attack.

Inhale... Exhale... Inhale... Exhale...

Once I calm myself I pick my phone back up and it starts ringing. It's him. As much as I don't want to answer it I have to. I answer but don't say anything, I want to hear what he has to say. "Did you get the picture?" His tone is dark and filled with warning.

I let the call go silent for a bit before I respond. "What game are you trying to playing Alex?" I keep my voice as steady as I can. I don't want him to think I'm afraid even though I am. How dare he take that picture without me knowing and then have the nerve to send it to me.

"Me?" I hear him shuffling in the background, "You are the one who wants to do this back and fourth bullshit that I don't have time for." He yells as I hear glass shatter. He must have broken something since he doesn't have me there to take his anger out on. Pathetic.

"I'm not coming back." I wanna keep this conversation as short as possible.

"We'll see," he says. I just know he has that stupid smirk on his face. "You're gonna come back one way or another, even if I have to drag your ass back here." Anger dripping from each word he speaks.

"Go fuck yourself," I spit. I'm fucking sick of him and his games. He knows exactly what buttons to push and he pushes all of them at once. He knew what he was doing when he sent me that picture and it's sickening. Why would he take a picture of me like that? Fucking bastard.

"Listen you spoiled little bitch, I was being nice with giving you a week but now since you want to act like that you have until Sunday." Click. He hung up on me. He's leaving me with no choice but to go back.

What am I supposed to tell my family? Oh um yeah I'm just gonna go back and rekindle our relationship and what not, it'll be fine. I'll be fine. They would never let me go back even if I wanted to. They literally just got me back, it's only been a week. This isn't fair to me, how can I possibly get away from him when he uses everything he has against me. I just want to break down and cry out everything I have left in me. I just really can't keep doing this. I can't catch a break.

I wanna just give up. I feel so alone even though I'm not alone.

I test the water to make sure it's the perfect temperature before stepping in. Once I step in I let the water cascade down my body. I close my eyes and just stand under the hot water for a couples minutes, my tears mixing in with the water that is trickling down my face. If only all my problems could wash away with this shower.

I have no idea what I'm going to do and I don't have anyone I can turn to and talk about this with. I don't want to be a burden to my family and friends. If I tell Vanessa she's gonna say don't go back everything will be fine. But that's the thing everything won't be fine. No matter what he's gonna have this hold over me that I can't get free from.

There is Everson. I could ask him what he thinks I should do. He's the only person that I can think of who would give me an outside look on things because he doesn't know the full story. I'll text him later and ask.

I don't want to worry about any of this right now. Today is all about Alani and her accomplishments, she deserves it.

****

We are currently at the Pauley Pavilion for the graduation ceremony. My parents and I are sitting on the left side in the middle, pretty good seats since we can see everything. Even if we couldn't there are screens in the middle for us to watch. They are so excited for Alani and it's the cutest thing ever. Every now and then Alani looks at us and gives us a wave. I'm so happy for her but it's just so hard to show it with what happened. "Mija, where is that beautiful smile of yours?" My dad asks as he puts his arm around me. I put on the biggest smile I can, "right here." Once he sees me smile he turns back to pay attention to the guest speaker. My smile immediately drops, why smile when your life is basically hell.

I shouldn't complain because I have my dream job and great family and friends. It's just my love life is literal hell. I want someone who will always be there for me and care for me like a man should. Someone who makes me laugh and I can just be myself around without any complaints. I just want someone to love me the way I love them.

I can't even pay attention to the graduation when all I can think of is what to do. My mind is a jumbled up mess right now. I really just need to clear my mind, I know the perfect place for me to do that. I'll make my decision on what to do later tonight.

I must have been so lost in thought because the next thing I knew they called Alani's name and the three of us stood up and cheered as loud as we could. I even see my mom shedding some tears as she watches her last child walk across the stage.

After the ceremony was over we met up outside to take pictures. "Congratulations! You're officially a college graduate now!" I wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug. I can see my mom snapping away with her camera. "Thank you Ev!"

We have probably taken over a dozen photos by now. I'm sure my mom will pick the best ones and frame them. Looking around I see that everyone just seems so happy in this moment and it sucks because I don't want to ruin the mood with my issues once again.

I need to figure out how to tell them without them being upset with me. Maybe I shouldn't even tell them at all, but that would be stupid and selfish of me. Sigh. Why is this so difficult? Today was supposed to be all about Alani, not me.