Drinks, Friends and Karaoke

Chapter 13

Amanda sat there thinking. Drinking her beverage and eating her food. Her mind was blown. After all this time and everything they have been through she seemed to be really sure that this was what she wanted. At the same time Amanda was scared. She had been hurt alot. Her trust in people was very minimal. Everyone she knew always wanted something from her. Doing whatever they could to get what they wanted. Starting with her parents, making her take care of Kim at a young age, even getting in trouble when Kim did cause she wasn't able to keep her clear of trouble. Ass beatings daily, verbal abuse, being told she was worthless. So she didn't trust and she sure didn't know what real love and or respect was.

Amanda didn't know if she should open up and tell all to Olivia to really make her understand what all this back and forth did to her. It did alot and it made her revert back to what her so-called family did to her.

Amanda took a drink of her beer. She had finished her food.

"Olivia, you saying that you want to be with me now, while it makes me happy it also scares the shit out of me. Olivia I have been through so much, I really can't handle another hurt like this. You know of some, mainly the troubles with Kim as she likes to stir shit here. But you don't know of what I went through with Kim as a younger child nor my parents. Olivia I wasn't loved nor wanted. Or better yet I was wanted when I could be of service to them and getting them what they wanted. Kim was mommy and daddy's little girl. She could do no wrong. I literally got my ass beat when she got into trouble. Let me tell you whuppins with leather belts fucking hurt. The scars I have from that aren't visable to the eyes anymore but they are still very much raw in my mind and heart. I'm a broken but put back together person Liv. I'm strong but I can break and shatter at any given time. I have such an issue trusting people. The first person I trusted with my story here was Cragen. Then Fin befriended me. Now you. I've been intimate with you, I've really let my guard down with you. Olivia I let myself fall in love with you. I can't help it, I am in love with you. Please if you're gonna say you love me, please mean it and don't take it back."

Olivia looked at her. She hadn't expected Amanda to really open up like that. She really hadn't realized that her getting confused in her feelings did that much damage. It was almost like Amanda was saying she was unloveable, that noone ever loved her or ever took the time to show her what real love was. Maybe Amanda was who she was supposed to be with, maybe it was her calling so to speak to show Amanda what love was and what it really meant when someone loved you. Now don't get Liv wrong she was a broken person herself with a mother who pretty much hated her. A product of rape that her mother just kept. Never really taken care of either. Her mother preferred the bottle than her own daughter. She didn't even share or have much emotion when she was told that her mother had taken a fall down the stairs drunk and it had killed her.

Amanda watched Olivia, she could see that she was thinking as well. This wasn't going to be an easy ride, and if they both wanted it, they both were going to have to work for it.

After a few moments Amanda spoke.

"I know I just told alot there. A lot of my past. A whole lot of things noone knew. Even some of things now. I've told you things I would never tell another soul. I just want you to know that I trust you. I'm just scared to open up and be rejected again. The one thing I want Olivia is to build with you, that is if you want that too. I would like to build and progress. Yes I said I fell in love with you and I did. But where I have gone through so much, where I have gone through not being loved, please don't say it or show it if infact you don't feel the same way. That's just doing to me what they did to me only this time it cuts deeper cause I have bestowed all this trust in you."

Olivia took what Amanda said to heart. She saw once more that her bouncing back and forth really hurt the woman she had feelings for. All this had started out as was going out for drinks, then feelings got involved and once that happened it was over for the two of them. They both caught the feelings hard and didn't want to admit at first. Who wants to lay their feelings out like that, then be afraid to be rejected. Not anyone and surely not either of them.

"Amanda I can't promise like I said that things will be perfect. Like I said before, I can and most likely will fuck up. But with that said, I also carry alot of feelings for you and will do my best to make you feel safe and loved. With saying that I hope if we go forward with this and let it grow that you will do the same. I myself need reassurance at times too and I don't necessarily know how to ask for it. I just know I care alot about you and I'm trying my hardest. Like I said before too, yes I'm scared at how my job will take my relationship but at the same time I can't let it run my life, I need and deserve a life outside of my job. So I'm asking you to give us a chance. To give me a chance and just bear with me if and when I fuck up cause I know I will."

Amanda got up and paced abit. Making Olivia a little nervous but she let Amanda do what was comfortable for her. At least she was still there and still listening.

"Look Liv I'm not going to lie and or front. You see I've been struggling to drink the beer I asked for. Well I've been battling the demons calling me to go gamble again. Its the mechanisms I went to when I felt I wasn't good enough. I honest to God had to fight with everything I had in me to not fall into that pattern again. Now please don't think I'm trying to gain sympathy or make you feel sorry for me. I'm just being honest with you and needed this to come out before we could go any further. I am recovering gambler as I'll never be cured, I have to live with the urges and resist them which I have been good at until now. Until it felt like you rejected me. Again not trying to make you feel any pity towards me cause I sure as hell don't want pity I am sharing with you so you know that I can be hurt and pushed to those limits." She looked over at the woman who she obviously couldn't keep anything from. She had come to trust the brunette even though she had been hurt alot by her.

"Olivia I want us, I do. Trust me I really do. I'm just scared that I'm going to get close to you again, very close and you're going to shut me out. I can't handle that. If you can sit here and promise me that you won't do that to me again, then I say we have a chance at making this work." She took a deep breath and opted to take a drink of some soda as the beer was tempting but she didn't want it.

"I think we both need to really think and examine what we want. What we can give each other and what we are willing to give. It has to be one-hundred percent on both parts if not than it won't work with one person giving eighty-five percent and the other giving fifteen percent. But with that being said, I think I'm going to head home and get some rest."

Olivia tried to get her to stay and sleep in the guest bedroom but Amanda declined. Stating that she wouldn't be thinking about what she needed to be she'd be wanting to be in Olivia's bed. Olivia asked if it would be okay to hug her. Amanda told her of course and embraced the hug. Olivia walked her to the door after she gathered her belongings.

"Thanks for coming over and talking yet again. Please let me know you got home safe."