Drinks, Friends and Karaoke

Chapter 11

Amanda was shocked at the words coming out of Olivia's mouth. She was even more shocked that Olivia was finally being this open with her feelings. Amanda ordered another drink, this time making it a soda cause she felt this was a very important conversation they were having and she didn't want to be intoxicated.

Olivia however was very nervous at Amanda's reaction, she had been sitting there silent for quite some time. She hadn't gotten up and left which was a good thing.

"Olivia, I've waited for this. I have literally waited for you to finally be honest with me about your feelings. The only thing I worry about is, yeah you've told me your feelings once more, but what if it happens again? What if you do all the same stuff again? I am happy and honored you say you found in me what you're looking for. I'm just as scared of all of this as you are. I want to give you another chance at the same time I am very scared to, but I still want to. Because I care about you that much. I just don't want to be hurt, I've been hurt enough. So if you are going to be with me, and want that, please make sure it is what you really want."

So what do you think? She's giving Amanda time to think. Time to see she means what she says and that this is finally what she wants. Her truth and feelings are right there. She held nothing back and actually bared her soul to Amanda

Olivia swallowed hard, she knew Amanda was right. She couldn't keep going back and forth. She'd only come out the loser in the end. Here was the one person who had seen all her scars, and never made fun of them. The one person who built her up instead of tearing her down. None of the men she was with ever did that. Cassidy didn't understand why she was self-conscious and never really bothered to find out why. Ed just really didn't care all he wanted was Olivia to retire so they could travel and she wasn't ready for that. But once again here was Amanda who cared for her as she was, she didn't try to change her or expect her to change.

Olivia moved her chair closer to Amanda, taking Amanda's hand in her own.

"Amanda, no one has ever treated me like you have. You have been the most understanding person I've ever met including Dr Lindstrom. You've seen me the couple times we have been intimate, you have never once made me feel uncomfortable, you embraced my scars rather then telling me to turn out the light or to cover up. I was just scared shitless Amanda. Scared how fast my feelings grew for you. Scared of the repercussions at work, and Fin was right. As much as I love my job, I can't let it dictate my love life. If I do I'll end up old and alone. I sure don't want that. Not going to tell you that I'm not afraid still cause that would be out right lying to you. I'm still very much scared at how this could all bite not only me in the ass but you as well."

Amanda just listened. It was the first time Olivia was really speaking from the heart. She just also hoped Olivia wasn't blowing smoke up her ass. You know how it is when you want to believe everything someone says but their actions have caused you to not trust them as much. That's what she was stuck in the middle of right now. Olivia had said most of this before and retracted all of her feelings even saying she thought everything had been a mistake between them. Now she was really saying she wanted them to be together and to work and build as a couple.

"Amanda if I have learned one thing from what has been between us, it's that I'd rather take the chance and have you in my life the way I want, then to not have you at all. I know I can't just be friends with you because I know at some point that I will end up acting on feelings that could jeopardize our friendship. I also know from what you have shared with me, it would be very hard for you to do that as well and you too would be in danger of jeopardizing a friendship cause of acting on feelings. Like I said I'm not perfect, and I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you or your feelings but I'll try my hardest not to. I know yes that I have a job and it's a very important job, but after all these years of letting it be first and come before my happiness I just can't do that anymore. I'll grow to be a miserable woman who hates my life, resents my job and is literally just a cold-hearted bitch and I really don't want that. I'm in my mid fifties. while I am no where near retirement yet, I sure don't want to spend any more time alone or any more time as a notch in someone's belt, just sharing evenings and not being able to cuddle and wake up to share the day together. I just wanted you to know how serious I am this time. If I am given one more chance to prove to you that I really want this. I'm not going to pressure you. I'm going to give you all the time you need to think."

They finished up their drinks and food and went their separate ways. It wasn't a hostile leave. It was a parting for the night so each of them could go and think. Amanda thanked Olivia for the dinner and drinks. Telling Olivia she truly appreciated the open honesty of tonights conversation and that she would give everything a lot of thought and consideration.