You put me on fire || Jan. R. (Discontinued)

Chapter 9- Tell me why you couldn't keep your promise

Something was wrong. He didn't know what, but it was definitely something.

Last night Elda had asked Jan to go to his own apartment for the night, surprised by the sudden change Jan had of course questioned if something was wrong but didn't get an answer. After that Elda didn't argue against him and let him stay at her place. It was as if she had never wanted him to go in the first place, yet still had asked. That's what had first made him worried. The second thing was the fact that Jan had woken up this morning by the sounds of Elda crying in her sleep.

"Hey, Elda wake up" he whispered as he was gently shaking her shoulder. This however only lead to Elda turning around and clinging onto Jan, crying on his chest instead. He tried to comfort her by stroking her hair and it did seem to calm her down a bit at least. "Elda, you need to wake up" he said a bit louder than the last time.

Elda did react to that, shooting up and frantically searching her surroundings as if she couldn't remember where she was. "Mom?" She managed to get out through her confusion and tears. "No, it's just me" he said calmly "Its Jan".

At this Elda turned to meet his eyes and as she realized that, yes, it was Jan, a look of panic crossed her eyes. She quickly sat up, wiping her tears from her face. "Sorry" she said weakly.

"It's alright Elda, I just thought it best to wake you from that nightmare." Jan said carefully. "Did something happen?" At that Elda turned her head around so that she didn't face Jan, staying silent. "You don't have to tell me, I'm just worried" he added.

Continuing to look away Elda proceeded to voice her concerns. "Today marks exactly ten years since my mom died" she whispered, afraid her voice wouldn't hold if she was too speak any louder. Another tear fell, falling down her face but before it could reach its end Jan was there to wipe it of her cheek. He then cupped her cheek, making her face him and letting their eyes meet. Elda was struggling against her tears and despite her attempts a few tears managed to escape and roll down her face.

"I'm so sorry Elda" he said genuinely. "No one should have to mourn their parents this young." At first, Elda didn't answer, simply continuing to look into his eyes and trying but failing to control her tears. "Will you just hold me" she eventually said.

"Of course, yes of course I'll hold you" Jan said, relieved that there was something he could do to help. "Come here" he said, holding out his arms.

So that early morning was spent in the arms of each other, Jan's shirt becoming soaked by the salty tears of Elda. Eventually Elda exhausted herself, falling asleep once again. And only then did Jan let himself relax. Clinging to each other they slept until late morning, both of them dreaming unpleasant dreams.

You said that you'll be there when I get home
You'll do the laundry cook the meal for all
But I smell neither garlic nor the cotton when I'm here
All I hear is silence that you left when you disappeared
Why didn't you say
That you wouldn't stay with me forever
Like then on a day you first met me
I don't even care why you had to leave, baby

As they woke up later that morning Elda still felt to down to get out of bed and opted to stay in as Jan went to make the both of them breakfast.

Aa they sat in bed together, eating their breakfast in a comfortable silence, Elda suddenly spoke up. "This is the first time I'm not spending this day in Sweden. It's the first time I won't go to her grave." She whispered out.

"Why?" Jan asked carefully. "I mean why didn't you go home?" Elda moved her gaze to Jan, "I thought I was strong enough now" she finally said. "And I thought that being here with you would make it manageable."

"There's nothing weak about mourning the loss of your mom Elda." He said meaningfully. "Its human." Elda stayed silent, feeling guilty she wasn't going to visit her mom today.

"Do you want to tell me about her?" Jan eventually asked in an attempt to make her feel better.

"She was the best mom i could've asked for." She simply started. "Despite raising me alone she always took care of me, cooking the most delicious food each day, making sure I always had clean clothes. Making sure I always felt her love" Elda took a break to breathe through the tears that had started to silently roll down her cheeks. "I used to blame her when I was younger. Theoretically I knew there was nothing she could do but I still felt left behind. Betrayed. I used to think she must not have cared enough to stay with me." Elda wiped some of the tears of her face. "When I was little, I was always scared she would leave me like my dad did, so she promised me she would stay. When she died she broke that promise, unintentional or not."

You tear me apart
Look how selfish you are
Left me behind when
I gave you my life
Where are you now
How am I supposed to tell them how

And you promised that you wouldn't leave before me
Tell me why you couldn't keep your promise

"And now?" Jan asked. "Do you still blame her?" Elda took a moment to think through her answer. "I don't...blame her per se, I know there was nothing she could do about it. But I really wish she was here to see me grow up." Jan could see Elda's hands starting to tremble and took them into his own hands. "You know she used to take me to these singing competitions for kids, always supporting my dream to become a singer, no matter the participation fees. She did so much for me and without her I doubt I would've ever come this far in my career. I really wish she would have got the chance to see that what she did wasn't for nothing, that it really paid off." Elda said, sadness lacing her voice.

"There's so much more as well. I wish I would've had the chance to tell her I'm bisexual. I wish she would've been the one to send me off to school in London. I wish she had met you." Elda ended the speech looking right into the eyes of Jan.

I know that you can't hear me like before
But there are things I think you need to know
The things that you would know If you'd just wait a little more
But you don't like to wait and now they think that it's their fault
Why didn't you say
That you wouldn't stay with me forever
Like then on a day you first met me
I don't even care why you had to leave, baby 

You tear me apart
Look how selfish you are
Left me behind when I gave you my life
Where are you now
How am I supposed to tell them how

Later that day Elda had managed to get out of bed, instead watching movies with Jan in the living room. Elda had her head on his chest and under his ribs she could hear the sound of his heart beating. Along with his angelic singing voice it was one of the sounds that always calmed her down and made her feel safe.

"You know, I've lost count of how many times I've tried to write a song about losing my mom." Elda suddenly said. "At first I thought it would be an easy way to grieve her faster, but I don't think I'm supposed to stop grieving her any time soon. I never get anywhere when I try to write about it."

"Would you like for it to be a song about it?" Jan then asked her, stroking her hair. Elda took a moment to think of it before finally answering. "Yes, yes I would actually"

"If you'd let me, I could write it for you?" Elda then raised her head quickly, to get a look at his face. "You would do that?" She asked hopefully.

"Of course. Anything for you Elda"

And you promised that you wouldn't leave before me
Tell me why you couldn't keep your promise

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A/N: 

Im sorry I didnt post anything for a long time, I was going to write a chapter yesterday but it was really emotionally draining for a reason many would find silly but was, and still is, devastating for me. I havent written anything today either but i felt i had to post one of my prewritten chapters without writing a new one to make up for all the amazing support I have been getting lately. So thank you, truly, it means alot. 

Votes and comments will continue to be apprechiated to give me some motivation

Enjoy life, see ya!