spark a dream

on my own

Character: Infiniti/Natalie Burnes, OC (Ship: Natiro--Natalie/Hiro)
Song: 'Love Myself ' by Hailee Steinfeld (one of the inspirations for her singing voice). Song lyrics are slightly edited.

ngl this is very weird but kinda fun - i wrote it on a whim one day; i still have no idea why i did but here you go

Taking a break doesn't mean you're done with everything—maybe some alone time can help you get yourself back together, too.

"Hey Nat, I think...I think we should take a break. Not break up—just take a break from each other."

"Hiro, why—"

"There's so much going on in our lives right now, don't you think? You have finals and those anonymous death threats to handle, and your sister misses you so much. I have to deal with Cirque and the portal chips, and just cope with Honey Lemon and Tadashi moving away to SIlicon Angeles over the summer."

"Don't you think we have to be there for each other then?"

"Don't YOU see it, Nat? Whenever we try to comfort one another, we end up hurting each other the most—what with the chocolate sundae, and Mochi, and even Baymax couldn't help. We're just going to tear ourselves down like this. But it's only a break, we're not over. Please, Nat, trust me."

"It's just a break."

When I get chills at night, I feel it deep inside
Without you
Know how to satisfy, keepin' that tempo right
Without you

I thought that sentence would tear me apart; in fact, it did the opposite. But it did take a while until I was finally able to let go.

For the first few days, I couldn't even get myself out of the house. Thank goodness it was summer break, so I wouldn't miss a day of class or anything. Then again, I wouldn't have allowed myself to do that. There were so many different problems to solve right now, and I couldn't just dwell on one problem. I convinced myself that I would carry on with the usual tempo of my life without him. I was known to be strong and smart—this wasn't the end of the world.

Pictures in my mind on replay
I'm gonna touch the pain away
I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name

Sometimes it was tough to move on when there were so many memories still ingrained inside my head; everything from the dangerous escapades and victories we had as Infinity or Captain Magnetism (we needed to work on his alter ego), or just ordinary Hiro and Natalie helping around at the Lucky Cat Cafe (totally not stealing the red velvet cupcakes) or hanging out with friends at the Middle Center Park in New Urbem. And it wasn't just in my mind—almost all of my photos included Hiro and I. It felt strange to leave, like some part of me was missing.

So, how did I cope with this? As all similar processes start, I denied the fact that Hiro wasn't there. For two days, I turned off all my notifications from anyone even slightly related to him. I thought that this was the only way to deal with the pain. Lock screen—changed to a photo of Infinity (yes, a bit egotistical but it was kinda cool). Home screen—changed to a photo of Lila, my sister, and I. One touch, one swipe, and it was done. I was confident that I would be able to be independent in a matter of time.

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else, I love me
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else, I love me
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
I love me

The next few stages of the 'grief' process went by quickly. I felt slight anger at him for abandoning me in desperate times in the morning, then felt guilty about leaving HIM when I thought he needed me the most, then almost broke down into tears after coming back from a run because I missed him so much. I remained in that dismal mood until about an hour before dinner, when Lila told us all about her latest (chaotic) project she was working on with Dash, and soon all was right with the world. I realized that my family was there for me and that should be enough. I was going to be fine on my own without Hiro because I needed some time to take care of myself, too.

I take it nice and slow, feeling good on my own
Without you
Got me speaking in tongues, the beautiful it comes
Without you

I think that everything became much better after the third day. So much time that used to be reserved for 'us-time' went to getting myself an ice-cream sundae, going to the beach with Vi, Penny, Kim, Riley and Peyton (no boys allowed!), supervising Lila and Dash at the skateboard park (and trying out some new tricks) and even attending a pop concert one chaotic night. I also had more time to focus on my singing and songwriting. I had never written anything related to romance, so I wasn't going to let our 'break' influence my word choices and verses. I thought it would be hard to steer myself away from the subject, but all that could come out of my head was the fun times that I had over the week. Without Hiro–not even the slightest mention of him. And it was alright, because it was just me, myself, and my guitar every single night till my fingers hurt and my voice became tired. Exhilarating but meaningful—I loved it.

I'm gonna put my body first
And love me so hard 'til it hurts
I know how to scream out the words
Scream the words

I went shopping, too—technically, Penny and Kim dragged me there so I didn't have a choice. But I did get some new outfits (that they chose) and got to check out the sports store for new swimwear, breathable exercise clothing and frisbees. I finally had time to relax and take time out for family and friends. As Infinity, I tracked the email sender down to a prison in New Urbem and found out it was the notorious Evelyn Deavor who had hacked the prison mail system to send the death threats. Of course, she couldn't really harm me because she was powerless in jail, so the threats were harmless. I took Mr. Dicker to brainwash Evelyn so she wouldn't remember anything about the situation, but she did get a few more years in prison. Things were looking good on my end, but I had yet to know about Hiro. All that mattered right now was that I was living my life to the fullest and enjoying myself, while also making worthwhile accomplishments.

Yeah, I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else, I love me
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else, I love me
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
I love me

At first, I thought these words would tear me apart, but they actually helped me heal. And I'm so thankful to have such a thoughtful person in my life. If anything, these few months have made me better, stronger, and tougher.

I suppose Hiro does know best.

But it wouldn't hurt for a girl to check up on how he's doing–it's not like he's on top of the world, either. Oh dear, here come the insecurities again; at least I had a fun few weeks of me-time.