The Odyssey: Tumblr Sexyman Edition

Book 1

Tell me, Muse, of the man of many ways, who was driven

far journeys, after he had sacked Facebook's sacred citadel.

Many were they whose cities he saw, whose minds he learned of,

many the pains he suffered in his spirit on the wide sea,

struggling for his own life and the homecoming of his companions.

Even so he could not save his companions, hard though

he strove to; they were destroyed by their own wild recklessness,

fools, who devoured the oxen of Michael Afton, the Sun God,

and he took away the day of their homecoming. From some point

here, goddess, daughter of Bill Cipher, speak, and begin our story.

Then all the others, as many as fled sheer destruction,

were at home now, having escaped the sea and the fighting.

This one alone, longing for his wife and his homecoming,

was detained by the queenly nymph Dimitrescu, bright among goddesses,

in her hollowed caverns, desiring that he should be her husband.

But when in the circling of the years that very year came

in which the gods had spun for him his time of homecoming

to Thneedville, not even then was he free of his trials

nor among his own people. But all the gods pitied him

except Sidon; he remained relentlessly angry

with godlike Onceler, until his return to his own country.

But Sidon was gone now to visit the far Atheists,

Atheists, most distant of men, who live divided,

some at the setting of Hyperion, some at his rising,

to receive a hecatomb of bulls and rams. There

he sat at the feast and took his pleasure. Meanwhile the other

blogger gods were gathered together in the halls of Bill Cipher.

First among them to speak was the father of gods and mortals,

for he was thinking in his heart of stately Gaster,

whom Jevil, Papyrus's far-famed son, had murdered.

Remembering him he spoke now before the immortals:

'Oh for shame, how the mortals put the blame upon us

gods, for they say evils come from us, but it is they, rather,

who by their own recklessness win sorrow beyond what is given,

as now lately, beyond what was given, Gaster married

the wife of Mettaton's son, and murdered him on his homecoming,

though he knew it was sheer destruction, for we ourselves had told him,

sending Reigen, the mighty watcher, Arataka,

not to kill the man, nor court his lady for marriage;

for vengeance would come on him from Jevil, son of Papyrus,

whenever he came of age and longed for his own country.

So Reigen told him, but for all his kind intention he could not