Loving Madness

10. Falling

I Love You- Woodkid

I don't know how long we sat like that but it was perfect. We stared into each other's eyes, making silent promises of love to each other. I wanted to speak and express how I was feeling to him, however, I didn't want to ruin the moment. So I waited. I waited for him to break the silence. He didn't break the silence though. His eyes traveled from my eyes to my lips and back again as if to ask permission. I nodded a very small nod, scared that any sudden movement or any movement too large would disrupt and burst our perfect little bubble.

He leans in, ever so slowly, making me become impatient. But I didn't move. I stayed still and waited for him to make the move that would change our relationship forever. A pang of anxiety runs through me and I realize I am scared. I am scared that if we take this any further, we won't actually love each other. We will be trauma-bonded and everything we have been through will have meant nothing. I lean back, staying in his arms, and rush to explain myself.

"I want to, believe me. I just don't want the only reason you like me to be that we've been through the same thing and that we have some of the same issues." My breathing speeds as I end the sentence, worried about his reaction. The thought of saying the word love out loud made me throw up in my mouth, so we spoke like third graders about liking each other. My eyes rolled so hard at my own thoughts that I could almost hear them. Of course, this only confused Sebastian further.

"I'm sorry Mayslee. You're right. It's been so long since I felt anything positive towards anyone else, I let myself get carried away." He says this with absolutely no shame, he wasn't actually sorry, but at least he is respectful. His lack of shame makes me chuckle and it dawns on me how carefree I am in his presence. I am relaxed, really relaxed for the first time since the accident.

"I just think you should know that you make me feel better. I haven't been this relaxed since before the accident and it's very refreshing. It's nice not being alone with myself." I don't look at him as I speak because expressing my feelings makes me want to barf, but I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling my guts to him.

"Tell me about your life before the accident." He says suddenly. To be honest, I hadn't thought about life before the accident since the accident either. I struggled to find anything to talk about but my parents. So that's what I told him about.

" It was perfect. My parents adopted me at 9 and saved me. They were loving and caring, allowed me to express myself, and were strict as well. My mother was an extrovert and was very dominating. She was the perfect hostess without ever being patronizing and always staying humble. My father was an introvert who was always sneaking things to me. Always telling mom to just let things go and doing things spontaneously. They were the perfect balance to each other and made the perfect team for dealing with me." My eyes fill with tears remembering them. I definitely noticed the bittersweet edge my thoughts had to them as I talked about my parents out loud. I could actually be picking up the pieces.

"Tell me about you before the accident." He pushes for more information and I feel obliged to answer him. This is honestly ridiculous. Why do I feel so compelled to answer his questions? The more I tell him, the more he has an opportunity to not like me. That's literally the whole reason I didn't kiss him. So I would know that he actually likes me when I do finally kiss him.

"Well, I could tell you stories for hours. I don't know what you're looking for specifically." I honestly draw a blank when anyone asks me to describe myself. It's so awkward because, in everyday life, no one really cares. No one really has a before-and-after moment. Looking back at myself before the accident, I don't even know that girl. I am a completely different person on every level humanly possible. Maybe even a cellular level. I know for a fact that my brain chemistry will never be the same.

"What did you do for fun? Were you in any extracurriculars in school? What was your high school cliche? What's your favorite color? I want to know everything." I loved the bluntness he had. He wasn't afraid to get right to the point and didn't beat around the bush. Life is too short to beat around the bush and sugarcoat things. He was easy to talk to and didn't judge anything that was said. It was just a statement of fact. It was nice to not be judged on some stupid thing you did four years ago.

"I read a lot. When I say a lot, I mean probably a novel a day. I would read anything I could get my hands on. The librarian started picking out new books for me and leaving a new stack every week. She was great. As far as extracurriculars, I was more of a let's get in trouble type of person. Let's see how far we can push the rules before they break. I have always had a problem with authority. I definitely hung out with the rebels and bad kids at school. Actually, I don't have a problem with authority. I have a problem with shitty adults who think they know everything and can control people simply because they are adults. You know, the ones that demand respect just because they are older?" I ran out of things to say after my mini rant. "Oh, and my favorite color was and will always be mint."

"Mint? Seriously, I would've never taken you for a mint type of girl." He throws his head back in laughter. I don't see what's so funny, but I love the sound of his laughter so I don't say anything. His laughter is honestly contagious and I begin to chuckle softly along with him. When he finally settles down, he dramatically wipes a nonexistent tear from his eyes and resumes his jokes. He definitely has jokes. Even if they are at my expense, I loved every sound and syllable that came out of those perfectly carved lips. My skin heats slightly and I hope it isn't noticeable. If it is, he doesn't say anything and continues. "Definitely had you pegged for a goth kid in school. At least you didn't set anything on fire." I don't say anything because there was this one time in science class... "Right?"

"What had happened was chemicals in science class. The teacher should've known better than to leave me alone with chemicals. That incident is completely on them." My teacher at the time had panicked and pulled the fire alarm, effectively evacuating the whole school. Even though I just threw the beaker in the sink and turned the water on. "Don't play with chemicals, children!" I did my best impression of the elderly teacher right before I proceeded to play with the chemicals.

"Wow, I don't know. You sound dangerous." He sticks his tongue out at me and I see, for a fleeting moment, the child in him desperately clawing his way out. So I do the only rational thing I can think of- Stick my tongue out right back at him. We nearly fall over in giggles and for a minute, we aren't in a mental health facility, we don't have crippling mental illnesses and delusions and we haven't suffered immeasurable losses. We are just two teenagers laughing over stupid shit.

Something dark settles in the pit of my stomach as I realize I get the same feeling toward him. I know I am barreling toward complete and total annihilation and I have no desire to stop it or slow down.