Kissing Razors | Tony Perry

Before the begginning

I bang on the bathroom door, my heart racing with a mix of panic and urgency. The air inside feels increasingly suffocating, and each breath becomes more laborious, heightening my anxiety. Time seems to stretch, and the world around me starts to move in slow motion, amplifying my disorientation.

I need to be alone.

The combination of pounding music and flashing lights intensifies my dizziness, further disorienting my senses. My vision blurs, and it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on my surroundings. With each passing second, the need for fresh air and relief from the claustrophobic environment grows more desperate.

I bang my fists against the door again, slowly losing hope, until it finally swings open. I quickly push past the people walking out, earning a bunch of "what the fuck"s and dirty looks as I slam the door shut behind me. My slippery hands fumble for the lock, unsure if it even works. I stumble over to the sink, desperately trying to maintain my balance as I struggle to breathe, cold tears rolling down my face. I look in the mirror, hoping to find some comfort and calm myself down, but the pain just won't go away.

It never goes away, does it?

I open all the drawers, pulling everything out in search of the one thing I know will help. My hands, trembling with desperation, struggle to maintain a firm grip on the objects they encounter. The sound of my sobs fills the room, echoing against the walls with each heavy breath. Frantically, I push aside hair ties, lotion bottles, and old toothpaste tubes, desperately looking for a glimmer of hope. But as the seconds slip away, my heart sinks further, realizing that the universe has turned its back on me. No gleaming object catches my eye, leaving me with heartache and desperation.

I fall to my knees, opening up the cupboards in hopes of finding just something. I push past more shampoo and lotion bottles, but still, not what I need.

"Come on, please, please, plea-" my voice breaks as I begin to cry harder, defeated when I can't find what I am in desperate need of. The loud music outside the door makes it harder for me to think.

The tears stream down my face, frustration and anguish intertwining into a single overwhelming emotion. It feels like an unbearable weight crushing my body. How is it possible that no one in this entire fucking place possesses what I so desperately require?

"FUCK!" I scream in pain, my voice reverberating through the room. I push my arms across the vanity, sending objects crashing to the floor. I collapse onto the ground, holding myself tightly, as if someone will try to take myself away from me. Loud, raw cries escape past my lips as my body begins to shake. The fear of being heard by others becomes irrelevant as all the emotions I tried so desperately to hold back for him comes crashing onto me all at once.

I lean my head back against the wall, desperately trying to catch my breath, but the rapid pounding of my heart refuses to subside. Panic tightens its grip around my chest, constricting my ability to find solace. My hands instinctively clutch my stomach, as if physically trying to contain the waves of despair coursing through me. With another loud sob, I lean forward, bracing myself against the floor, needing the feeling of something cold against my skin.

And then, as if a glimmer of the universe finally gave into my pleads, something shiny catches my eye from across the room.

A razor