The Family Secret

~ Fifteen ~

Chase's POV:

As I stood at mama's gravesite, I noticed that the grass was starting to grow back over the spot where we had laid her to rest only a few days ago. It reminded me that life went on even when we don't necessarily want it to. Callie had surprised me with mama's headstone just this morning, having arranged to have it made overnight and installed as soon as possible since I was going to have to go back out on the road soon and she wanted it to be done and in place before I had to leave. Not that I was really looking forward to it at all. Truth be known, there wasn't much that I was really looking forward to as of late. Losing a parent –and in my case finding out that one of your parents had already died and then losing the only living parent you had– took a toll on even the strongest of men. And lately, I haven't been feeling all that strong.

More times that I can count, I have started crying out of the blue, making me feel nothing like the grown man that I am. There have been more than a few times that I've gotten so frustrated with something that was as simple as replacing the trash bag in the can that I Callie just takes the bag out half full or unloads the dishwasher since apparently putting glasses into the cabinet and replacing the trash bag are frustrating chores now. There have been times that I have found myself staring off into space, on a whole other planet in my mind because when I was there, the pain of losing my mother didn't hurt nearly as much.

But through it all, Callie has been right there by my side, telling me that it was just part of the process, that the anger, hurt, and sorrow that I'm feeling is just part of life. For about the millionth time, I thanked God for giving me such an understanding woman, a woman that saw my flaws and my misgivings but loved me unconditionally anyway. I knew that she deserved more than me, that she deserved for me to practically worship at her feet for the love she showed me.

Kneeling in front of mama's gravestone, I placed a hand atop the granite stone and bowed my head. "I hope heaven is all that you dreamed it would be, mama. I hope you and dad were reunited at the pearly gates because we sure as hell miss you down here." I said, having to pause a few times because my voice was cracking from the tears I was trying to hold back. "Callie had been so strong, mama. She's been fielding phone calls from the press and my publicist since I haven't felt up to dealing either all while dealing with my mood swings as if they weren't horrible. She's been busy getting ideas about how we can make the house fit us and our styles and taking care of Austin as if I wasn't there. It's really been an eye opener mama. I got a glimpse into what her life looks like when I'm not here and it's made me realize how lucky I am to have her. It's made me realize that as much as I like to think that I deserve her in my life, I really don't. I know she's too much of an angel for this reckless heart of mine but there is no way that I can ever let myself give her up. She means too much to me. The fact that she is putting up with my mess right now and not saying a word is a blessing in itself."

After getting my thoughts out, I sat down on the ground, crossed my legs and looked up at the sky. The skin was the perfect shade of Carolina blue without a cloud in sight. The sun beat down on me, warming my skin, reminding me that while I felt like I was dying from the ache in my chest, I was very much alive and had a lot to live for.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize that I wasn't alone until the clearing of a throat from behind me pulled me back to reality. Turning, I saw Dale standing behind me, a six pack of Coors in his hand.

"Callie told me I could find you out here." he said, sitting down on the ground beside me. He grabbed a beer for himself before passing me one. I popped the top and took a long swig, letting the ice cold subs slip down my throat. I drank about half of it before I pulled the bottle away from my lips. "How have you been holding up?"

"Barely." I said with a humorless chuckle. "I'm hardly sleeping. I'm angry all the time. Somethings gotta give man. I can't keep feeling like this and taking it out on Callie. She doesn't deserve it."

"You're right. She doesn't. But let me remind you of a little something. Callie loves you. She knows that you are going through it right now. She knows that you're not your usual self and she's not holding any of it against you. But you have to find a way to start dealing with this shit before you end up pushing her away. Callie is a saint but you can't expect her to take but so much before she really loses it on you."

"Its barely been a fuckin' week, Dale." I said as I lifted my bottle to my lips. I downed the rest of it and placed it in the carrier before I grabbed another. "Are you really going to sit here and tell me that a week after losing dad, a week after losing your mom, that you were back to being normal. Because you and I both know that's bullshit. I was there when Benda died. I watched you mope around for what seemed like months after that before you finally pulled your head out of your ass and got back to living life."

"You're right. I was fucked up for a long time. More so with dad than mom since I was younger when dad died than I was with mom. But I learned real quick that if I wanted to have a happy life with my wife and kids, I had to figure out a way to at least fake it until I made it. Do you know what finally worked, especially after dad died? I called DW and asked him if it was possible for me to run some laps at Charlotte just to clear my mind. Since he and the owner of the track were on a first name basis, I figured that if anyone could get me into the track it was DW. And he did. So I loaded up one of the cars from the shop, got the truck driver to drive it over to Charlotte and I drove lap after lap after lap on that track. I'm not ashamed to say that I cried so hard for a few laps that I had to come to a complete stop on the backstretch or else I was going to end up crashing into a wall. Then I got angry at myself for letting my emotions keep me from driving so I took off, leaving black marks down that very same backstretch. I don't know how long I stayed there just running lap after lap but by the time I'd loaded the car back onto the hauler, I felt more like myself. I felt that I could move on with my life. I knew that moving on with my life didn't mean that I was forgetting what happened to dad because nothing will ever erase the memory of that day for me. But getting back in that car showed me that I could still do what I loved and honor dad's memory white still being broken into a million pieces."

"So what you're saying is that I need to climb into a race car and run 200 miles an hour around a race track until I feel like I can move on with my life?" I asked sarcastically.

A slap landed hard on the back of my head, making my temper flare. I was ready to plant my fist in Dale's face until I look over and he was smiling."No you fuckin' idiot." he said. "I meant that you need to get back to writing. Driving is what I do to clear my head. Writing is what you do."

I let Dale's words bounce around in my head for a while, thinking about what he said. I knew deep down he was right, that I needed to get back into writing because it had always been the way that I got my feelings out when I didn't know how to say them out loud. The problem with me writing was that mama was always the first person –aside from Callie of course– that heard whatever I'd written. Writing something without sitting in her living room and playing it just seemed wrong.

"Look, I know that you have this whole ritual when it comes to you writing songs. I know that you always played them for your mom and then let her decide what went on an album and what didn't. But no one is saying that whatever you write has to be recorded. I'm just saying that you need to get your feelings out on paper and then maybe you can start getting past all of this." said Dale, as if he could read my thoughts from just a moment ago. "I know it won't be easy, but you have to start somewhere. Plus, if you write it, you can come out here and play it for her. I know it's not the same as playing it for her in her living room, but it will still allow you to say that kept up the tradition."