Monaxiá

Part one - cold

No one follows me as I rush down the hallways away from everyone, the sickening feeling of all of my emotions takes over as I throw open a door to a random toilet and throw up.

Crying into the sink I almost rip out my hair as I try keep myself together, I sob and wipe my tears as I stand and look in the mirror. Looking back at me resembles something I never wanted to be again; Lost, angry, upset. A murderer.

Ella would hate me.

Obviously they all deserved it- they knew information about where my Ella was and refused to tell me anything.

..but she wouldn't see it like that. She's too forgiving. She's too kind. She's too thoughtful. She's too good for me- for anyone..

As a kid when I first held my baby daughter in my arms I was scared as I didn't believe I would be able to raise her well by my own. Understandably her mother was scared and didn't want anything to do with our baby at first and so for the first year I was raising her alone for the foreseeable future.

Obviously my family helped but it was still a lot for a a immature piece of shit teen boy who had barley had to work a day in his life.

But I was lucky with a baby who loved her sleep, mom said she was a 'trick baby' as she was so cute and 'easy' to take care of that she would've tricked me and Ella's mom, aria, to have more kids when we got older. Obviously that never got to happen.

But shockingly I did it, from when she was born to when she was two an a half I raised my daughter the best a spoilt teenager could, from when Ella was two and a half to just turning three me and her mother did our best. Then since I left to England I've been by myself.

Although i was a stupid kid who made a stupid decision it's the best thing that happened to me. God knows how Ella turned out so kind and loving.

After washing my face and mouth my stomach slightly settles as I stare into the sink. Sniffling to myself I wipe my forehead with my shaky hand.

..I'm thirsty.

Walking as fast as I can down the hallway I wipe my tears as I turn to go to the kitchen, pausing in the doorway I shut my eyes tightly.

no I can't drink alcohol, Ella's never seen me drunk.

She's not here for another couple hours.

"Anthony," dad says grabbing my hand from the cupboard with the alcohol in and turning me to face him, pushing me against the wall he stares at my red eyes and teary face as I try look away only to see Nick and Alex walking in.

"Nows not the time," I look down at my fathers hands holding my wrists firmly as my brothers watch, "she's going to be back in about seventeen to eighteen hours," dad looks over my face with a stern look, "you need to be on your best behaviour do you understand? Nothing bad can happen to you because right now that girl need you do you understand?" I nod subtly and he lets go as I fight to not cry in front of my family again.

Silence falls over the four of us as more people arrive. "-I can't just wait," I say as everyone turns to me, "you're gonna have to," dad says as he gets out a cigarette, "what am I meant to do.?"

"I dunno watch a film.?" He says as he passes Alex and Nick a lighter for their own cigarettes, "shave your beard," alexa says as she sits on the counter next to Alex, "oh! We should do a spa day!" She says nudging my shoulder as some shortly laugh softly at her antics.

We all know she's only trying to help. For the past couple weeks since I arrived and heard of Ella's disappearance she's been making jokes and trying to be funny and positive to try lighten the mood.