365 Days

72

72

I wake up with a start, my eyes jolting open.

It's dark and I can't see anything, but I can hear it.

Alex.

His breathing is heavy, like he's just run a marathon. He's rustling around beside me and I can hear him choke back the tears.

My eyes adjust and I look to him. He's sitting up, his head on his knees and rocking back and forth. His arms are wrapped around his legs, his whole body trembling.

Something is very wrong.

I hesitate, then put my hand on his arm. He freezes, then looks up.

His eyes are wide and full of tears, and scan me from head to toe, his mouth popped open slightly as if he's shocked I'm here. He rakes a hand through his hair and lets out a puff of air.

And then water spills over his eyes and he's shaking again.

I don't know what to do.

I sit up on my knees and get Alex's face between my hands, making him look at me.

"Alex, it's okay," I whisper, trying to calm him down. "It's okay. What happened?"

He just shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut, like he's wincing against pain.

"It was you," he chokes out in a whisper that I can just hear. "And then you were there, but you weren't there."

You were there, but you weren't.

Oh.

"It was just a dream," I soothe with realization. He was dreaming about me; about me dying. "It's just a dream. I'm here. I'm okay."

He pulls me to him as if without me, he'll collapse. His arms are vises around my body and I can't do anything but hug him back. This is all my fault.

"It's okay," I repeat, stroking his hair. "It's okay."

Alex dreamt about losing me, about me dead in a few months time. Does that mean he's had this dream before?

And then it makes sense; the bags under his eyes, the dead-tired face he wears. If this is how he wakes up every time, I could only imagine he wouldn't go back to sleep.

"Oh Alex," I mumble, guilt gnawing at me. "You should try to go back to sleep."

His reaction is instantaneous; he shakes his head and puts his head in his hands. "I can't."

"It was just a dream, Alex. I'm here and you need to sleep. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

He takes a minute to relent but when he does, he slides back to a lying position and I go with him.

I can feel the moment he closes his eyes because his heart starts beating faster, his breathing gets quicker too.

"Alex."

He snaps out of it, his eyes roaming the room until they find me.

"I promise. I'm not going anywhere," I tell him.

He sighs, roughly wiping tears off his cheeks. "I don't want you to leave."

"I wont."

He nods, relaxing back into my bed. This time when he closes his eyes, his breathing stays even. He's asleep within the minute.

I didn't realize how stiff I was until I let out a breath, relaxing all the muscles I had been holding taught.

Far out.