Satataharitam - Short Stories On Narayana

A Letter To Him - Straight From My Heart

(Please don't expect logic. It's right from the heart with absolutely no modifications. Please don't expect continuity, don't expect anything even close to brilliant grammar. No matter what, though, I love this and I loved writing it.)

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Oh Lotus Eyed Lord,

Oh Narayana,

Oh Vasudeva,

Will you not even glance at me as I sit and struggle to explain and express my love for you?

What do I do? I'm no poetess to express my brimming heart in words I can comprehend. I know you don't need any translation. But I think you also know that I want to give you a token of love that means something that is simple enough for me to fathom.

What do I do, my Lord, when my own heart doesn't make sense to me?

What kind of love is this? I don't understand.

One day, it makes me cry. The next, it makes me grin ear to ear. Another day, I will just sit lost in thought. Sometimes, I'll just look at something that reminds me of you more distinctly than other things, and not have the heart to step away.

What are you doing to me? You've made me fall in love with you in every form of yours. I don't understand how I want to love you. As a friend, as a beloved, as a sibling, as the Emperor, or as the Lord.

How do you expect me to choose? And maybe you don't expect me to choose at all, but my heart seems to want some clarity. I don't know what to do. I don't know anything.

And not only do you keep stealing more and more of me with every passing second, your Bhaktas from the past and from the present give me more ways to lose my heart to you.

I am no Tyagayya to be able to poetically sing to you in every state of my life. Even in his anger, there was love. "Maanamu ledaa, abhimaanamu ledaa?" What do I do when I read his works and they break my heart for him and for myself and for all those Bhaktas who wish to just fall at your feet?

What do I do when I listen to Tulasidasji's words? "Raghuvar chhavi ke samaan Raghuvar chhavi baniya." What do I do when he answers my query of what I can do to have a glimpse of You in this world? Nothing. Nothing even compares to the dust of your feet in this world. Where will I find a metaphor to your beauty, Raghuvara?

What do I do? You've listened to Annamayya, you've listened to Devi Meera, you've listened to Surdasji, you've listened Vasudevacharya. Their words stir my soul and make me want to cry in your embrace. What do I do when I listen to "Jo Achyutananda," and I can't help but imagine you lying down with your head on my lap, sleeping to my poorly sung lullaby?

And what of Purandaradasaru? What of his words that make me want to sink to my knees and stay there because he just made my heart burst? "Garudagamana Shri Purandara Vitthalana Pranapriyanu Neene!" is what he sings to your dearest Shiva. Do you think I can listen to this and remain on my feet?

Your beloved Rukmini. What do I do when I get to read what she wrote to you, but to not get what she knew she would have for sure once the letter was sent?
"Tvayyachyutāvishati chittamapatrapam mē."
I wonder how many people's thoughts she ended up expressing there. "My shameless mind is fixed on you, oh Achyuta."
Of course, she had to be the one to do it. The one who loves you with all she has, and everything she has is as immeasurable as the universe.

What can someone like me do when Andal pours here heart and soul in her beuatiful verses?
"Oozhi mudalvan uruvam pōl meikarutthu,
Pāzhiyam tōLudai Parpanābhan kaiyil,"
How does she say "In Padmanabha's arms," and "Dark clouds, just like Kanna," so beautifully?
Do you expect me to hold back tears when I hear her words? I know you do, because that is what I end up doing.