Incorrect South Park Quotes

Stan vs Craig

Craig, pointing at Tweek: You're my boyfriend.
Tweek: *Flustered*
Craig, pointing at Tolkien: You're my best friend.
Tolkien: Nice to have that confirmed.
Craig, pointing at Clyde: You're my bitch.
Clyde: Yeah I am- Wait... What?
Craig, pointing at Stan: HA! GAY!
Stan: FUCK YOU-

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Kyle: Hey guys, just a heads up Stan coming. You know how he gets around Craig...
Tolkien: Psycho?
Clyde: Scary?
Tweek: Dr-drunk?
Kyle: All three.

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Clyde, in tears at lunch after breaking up with Bebe: What's worse than heartbreak?
Tolkien: Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging.
Tweek: W-waking up in the morning.
Craig: Waking up.
Stan, who was eavesdropping: Waking up in the morning and seeing Craig.
Craig: FUCK YOU-

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Craig: If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it.
Stan: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it!

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Kyle: What are you getting Wendy for the holidays Stan?
Stan: I don't know, it's kind of hard buying a gift for your wife when they already got everything they could ever want when they married you. So I'm not sure yet.
Craig: I'm getting Wendy a divorce lawyer.

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~Everyone's in Class~
Stan: *Gently taps table*
Craig: *Taps back*
Kyle, whispering to Tweek: What are they doing?
Tweek: Morse code.
Stan: *Aggressively taps table*
Craig: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

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Tolkien: Why is Craig so sad?
Tweek: H-he took one of those *Wh-which Character Are You?* quizzes.
Tolkien: And?
Tweek: He got Stan.

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Stan: Arson? Oh, you mean "Crime Brûlée"
Craig: DID YOU BURN DOWN MY HOUSE-

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Craig, holding a gun: If the conspiracy theories about life being a simulation are true, WHOEVER'S CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANT TO TALK!
Kyle, to Stan: Dude what the fuck did you do?
Stan: I burnt his house down...
Kyle: WHAT THE FU-
Stan: It was an accident!

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Craig: I'd roast you, but my dad says I can't burn trash.
Stan: You won't be able to get a dime as a prostitute on half-price day!
Craig: What contraceptive do you use? Your face?
Stan: You're the poster child for the importance of keeping abortion legal!
Craig: Your birth certificate is a letter of apology from a condom manufacturer.
Stan:  THERE ARE A MILLION WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, AND THERE'S NOT SINGLE WORD TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I WANT TO BEAT YOU WITH A CHAIR!
Craig: Maybe you're just too stupid to think of it.
Kyle to Tweek: How long have they been at it?
Tweek, sighing: All of lunch.

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Stan: Nothing in life is free.
Butters: Love is free.
Kyle: Knowledge is free.
Kenny: Friendship is free.
Craig, walking past: Everything's free if you don't pay for it-
Tweek: Babe, that's illegal-
Stan: No, let him finish!

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Kyle: Christmas lights?
Stan: Check.
Kenny: Thermos of hot chocolate?
Stan: Check.
Cartman: Santa's Suit?
Stan: Check.
Butters: Shovel?
Stan: Check.
Craig, eavesdropping: Alibi and bail money?
Stan: Check.
Craig: Wait, what-

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~Groups combine to take down Cartman~
Kenny: Time for plan G.
Kyle: Don't you mean plan B?
Kenny: No, we tried plan B a while ago and I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Tolkien: Well, what about plan D?
Kenny: Plan D was a desperate disguise attempt about half an hour ago.
Clyde: What about plan E?
Kenny: I'm hoping not to use it. Stan dies in plan E.
Stan: Kenny?! What the fuck?!
Craig: I like plan E.
Stan: FUCK YOU-

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Craig: Alright, who's hogging the Netflix account? I've been locked out all week!
Jimmy: S-sucks to suck, I've already f-finished hate watching F-Friends!
Clyde: It's not me.
Craig: Don't lie to me! I know it's not Tolkien or Tweek!
Clyde: It's not me, really!
Craig: ....
Clyde: ...But it might be Stan.
Craig: STAN?! You gave Stan access to our Netflix account?!
Clyde: He hadn't watched Orange is the New Black!
Craig: YOU'RE SO DEAD CLYDE-