Kyle: Cartman is so...
Stan: Annoying?
Kenny: Cute?
Butters: Weird?
Kyle: I don't know, maybe if you guys let me FINISH for ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'd tell you!
Kenny mumbles: I'm sure you finish with Cartman just fine...
Kyle: WHAT THE FUCK-
***********
Kyle: What did you guys get Cartman for his birthday?
Kenny: I got him a kitten.
Kyle: Really? Me too!
Stan: I also got them a cat.
Butters: Damn fellas, looks like we all had the same idea...
Cartman, in his room, surrounded by cats: THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!
***********
Tolkien: What does take-out mean?
Jimmy: F-food!
Clyde: Dating.
Tweek: M-murder! Gah!
Craig: It can be all three if you're brave enough.
***********
Kenny: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies?
Kyle: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials.
Stan: It's like rock, paper, scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil and condom defeats baby.
Cartman: Rock also defeats baby.
***********
Clyde and Tolkien drunk in the back of Craig's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!
Tweek: We have food at home.
*Craig pulls into McDonald's drivethrough*
Clyde and Tolkien: YAY!
*Craig orders one black coffee and leaves*
***********
Stan: What's wrong? You look about ten seconds away from ripping someone's throat out...
Kyle: Fucking Kenny and Cartman were trying to invoke one of the minor Gods again last night! I didn't get an OUNCE of sleep thanks to their bloody chanting!
***********
Cartman: ARE YOU-
Kenny: Fucking.
Cartman: KIDDING ME?! YOU-
Kenny: Fucking.
Cartman: IDIOT!
Stan: ...What was that?
Kenny: Kyle banned Cartman from swearing, so I'm helping him out.
***********
Butters: Fellas! I found a new song I really like-
Cartman: Is it about death?
Butters: No-
Kenny: Is it about sex?
Butters: No!
Kyle: Is it about sadness?
Butters: No-
Stan: What about drugs and alcohol?
Butters: No! It's about happiness and peace and-
Cartman, Kenny, Kyle and Stan: *Leaves*
***********
Craig: I can't believe you thought it took you 5-10 minutes to caramelise onions.
Tolkien: Well at least I know what caramelised onions are! Clyde thought we were taking about actual caramel!
Tweek: Wait, so he th-thought it was like a caramel apple but with an onion?
Jimmy: D-dude.
Clyde: STOP JUDGING ME!
***********
Cartman, singing to the tune of I kissed a girl: I killed a guy and I liked it-
Kyle, whispering: Should we call the exorcist-
Kenny, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
Stan, concerned: immediately.
***********
Tweek: Is s-stabbing s-someone immoral?
Craig: Not if they consent to it.
Clyde: Depends on who you're stabbing.
Tolkien, terrified: YES?!
***********
Kyle: Die!
Cartman: Please don't die!
Kyle: DIE!
Cartman: PLEASE DON'T DIE!
Kenny, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?
Stan: Cartman's idea of flirting was to buy plant and tell Kyle it was now their child. Kyle, still being in denial, doesn't want it.
Kenny: Oh....
Stan: Yeah.
Kenny: How long have they been like that?
Stan: Almost an hour. Butters went to get food.
***********
Kenny: Oh god, they texted you 'hi.' Punctuation only means one thing Cartman. You're Dead.
Cartman: No! It's Kyle! He's just being grammatically correct!
*Meanwhile*
Kyle: And then I used a period so he knows I'm pissed.
Stan: A period doesn't say pissed... It says 'I'll kill you'
Kyle: I stand by my choice.
***********
*Kenny drunkenly wanders around the house and Stan is drunkenly giggling*
Kyle, completely sober: *sigh* Well, looks like it's just you and me Cartman.
Cartman, going to his room: Nope, just you. *Shuts door*
***********
AFAB Kenny: Hey Kyle!
Kyle: *punches Kenny in the stomach*
Kenny: What the fuck?!
Kyle: You are one of my best friends and I cannot stand by and watch you throw your life away like this! You're too young!
Kenny: What the fuck are you on about this time?!
Kyle: I'm talking about the baby that was growing inside of you.
Kenny: I'm not pregnant!
Kyle: We'll, not after that punch you're not! I've been taking Muay Thai classes!
Kenny: I was never pregnant Kyle!
Kyle: Are... you sure?
Kenny: YES! Yes, I'm fucking sure!
*Cartman and Stan walk over*
Cartman: Why the fuck are you both yelling?
Kyle: Oh, I found this positive pregnancy test-
*Cartman punches Kenny in the stomach*
Kenny: Aw, MOTHERFUC-
***********
Clyde: How is the most beautiful person in the world?
Bebe: *Blushing* I-
Craig, butting into their conversation: Tweek is perfect, thanks for asking.
***********
Kenny: I'm so happy the group is finally getting along again!
Stan: Uh, Kyle and Cartman aren't getting along.
Kenny: They're not trying to kill each other.
Stan: Fair point.
YOU ARE READING
Incorrect South Park Quotes
FanfictionTitle explains it. (This book is not edited yet and ya Boi has ADHD. So mistakes will occur. Thank you for your patience.)
