I'm A Twenty-Two Year Old Widow And I'm All Alone...

One Year On...

Chapter Seventeen... One Year On...

Larissa was now three months old.

She had grown so quickly, I had trouble knowing that soon she'd be walking, talking, and making me feel extremely nervous about her future!

But today would be one of the toughest days of my life, when I awoke to Larissa crying early hours in the morning. I was downstairs feeding her, when I noticed what today was. The calendar wasn't marked or anything, but when I looked at it I knew instantly.

I had dreaded the day for ages.

One year, to the day, almost to the hour, since Lucas was involved in the accident that claimed his life.

"Woah..." I gasped.

Footsteps startled me, and Ryan joined me in the kitchen.

"Are you alright?" he asked, smiling weakly.

"One year... today..." I breathed.

"Oh, it is too," he sighed, taking Larissa from me. I simply sunk into the nearest seat.

"I had momentarily forgotten about it," I admitted. "And... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I mean, he's been gone for a whole year..."

"It's hard," Ryan frowned. "The first year anniversary will always be the hardest. Not knowing how to move forward, because you're stuck. For that day, you can't seem to move forward. And the worst part is that everyone likes to remind you that you're a widow."

"I just want to go to sleep, and pretend that it's tomorrow," I sighed. "That might be selfish, but I spent six wonderful years of my life with Lucas... even though I'm surprisingly more happier now than I was in those six years..."

"Kids do that to you," Ryan chuckled. "They make your life brighter, even when it's at its dullest."

"Larissa well and truly lit up my life," I grinned.

"Don't let this day get you down," he advised. "I always do, as much as I try not to. You just have to live it like any other day of your life."

"That's a bit hard when Lucas' mom has arranged for a memorial for him today," I frowned. "It's not that I want to forget Lucas... but his death, I was depressed. I lived in the dark, literally. And all I wanted was for my own life to end. I struggled to live, and I couldn't be left alone. My sister... Chelsea spent a lot of time, helping me get back up. And for nearly eight weeks, it was nearly impossible..."

"What changed it?"

"Well, Chelsea kept an eye on me a lot. She noticed when something changed in me. And she was the first one to notice my watermelon cravings, my weird weight gain, and my mood changes. Not that I wasn't glum already... but I started growing out of my clothes, and my mom noticed, too. Chelsea suggested I might be pregnant, but I kept telling her that it was impossible... that there was no logical way I could be pregnant."

"But you were."

"After a while, I gave in to Chelsea's harping, and told her to take me to a doctor. I was waiting for the doctor to tell me that I wasn't pregnant, that Chelsea had merely been imagining it... but then I heard the words that would change my life forever, and once I got to hear Larissa's beautiful little heartbeat... there wasn't a thing in the world that could wipe the smile off of my face."

Ryan handed Larissa back to me. She was sound asleep now, her mouth open. Her eyelids fluttered slightly, and she had her arms crossed.

"She really changed everything for me," I continued, smiling. "I don't know what I would do without her, you know."

"You would have found some way to come back from losing Lucas," Ryan encouraged.

"If I wasn't pregnant, I don't know that I would have met someone else who changed my life," I said slowly. "I don't know if I would have met you."

"Oh, I believe that we were destined to meet, Carrie," Ryan grinned.

"I hope so," I smiled back. "Because while Larissa is my everything... I don't think I could have done it without your help. Being someone to keep me company."

Tears now welled in my eyes, and Ryan slowly led me back upstairs. I placed Larissa in her bassinet, which she only just fitted into now. I walked over and sat on the bed, and Ryan sat beside me, gently wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"You are amazing," he whispered. "You changed my life, too. You made me a better person."

"We've known each other for eight months now," I stated. "That's gone pretty fast."

"And we still haven't gone past kissing," he chuckled.

I laughed softly.

"It's not that I didn't want to," I admitted. "It's that I felt like I would be cheating. But now... I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like Lucas was my past, and while he'll always be a part of my life, you're my future. And I don't want to be distant from you anymore."

"So... you're ready to...?" he began.

"I've been ready for a couple of weeks," I said shyly. "And we already share a bed... to sleep, anyway. I love you," I finished, surprising myself.

Ryan's mouth fell open in surprise. Mine did, too. We hadn't said that to each other before, but it felt right.

"I... I love you, too," he whispered, and our lips met.

Lucas wasn't coming back. And a part of me believed that he'd led Ryan to me. I finally felt free to move on completely from Lucas, and start a new chapter of my life, with Ryan.