I'm A Twenty-Two Year Old Widow And I'm All Alone...

Coffee

Chapter Eight... Coffee

I had finally called Ryan two weeks after I had the ultrasound to meet up for coffee. I was nervous; it wasn't a date, but it had been a long time since I'd gone for coffee with a man. And I didn't actually drink coffee, but I loved iced chocolates. The last time I'd gone to a coffeehouse, I was with Lucas, and it was the day after we'd decided to start trying for a baby.

I sat at a table in the coffeehouse, awaiting Ryan's arrival. I was always known for being early to things, even if I didn't have to be. The coffeehouse was deserted apart from an old man who sat at the front, drinking coffee and reading a newspaper.

The door swung open as I looked at the old man, and Ryan's tall figure entered. I smiled instinctively, and Ryan walked straight over to the table I sat at.

"Hello, Carrie," he smiled, his pearly white teeth glistening.

"Hey, Ryan," I replied. "How's... how are you?"

"I'm really good," he replied. "Just took Ana to my mothers' house. She was reluctant... she wanted to come, too."

"She could have," I grinned.

"So how are you? How's the baby?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm good," I smiled weakly. "The baby's doing well. Kicking like crazy... never sits still. But twenty-two weeks along now. I'm still thinking about names... I have a few names that Lucas and I picked... and now it depends whether it's a boy or a girl."

"Oh, you don't know the sex of it?" he questioned, seemingly interested.

"No, I like surprises," I replied. "I mean, I only found out six weeks ago that I was pregnant, and I'm over halfway along. Most people know well... five, six weeks along! I've got so much to buy... we'd never planned for any of this until it actually happened. And it did... just not quite how we expected."

"I know what that's like," he said, looking around. "Ang and I had always planned to have more than just Ana. But Ana's my everything now."

"She's gorgeous, you know," I complimented.

"She's the spitting image of Angela," he smiled. "Has her attitude, too. And is smart like her."

"She has your eyes, though," I observed. "What did Angela look like?"

"Here, I have a picture of her," he replied, fumbling through his pockets. He pulled out his wallet, and then flipped through it until he pulled out a picture.

Ryan handed the picture to me, and I looked at it in amazement. There was an amazingly beautiful blonde woman staring back at me, smiling. Her hair flowed down her back, and was dead straight. Her green eyes looked gorgeous, glistening in the sunglight where the picture was taken. Her shiny white smile sparkled, and she looked like a supermodel.

I handed the photo back to Ryan, smiling.

"She's beautiful," I said, my throat thick. "I... she's amazing. I'm sorry you lost her."

"Thanks," he smiled. "I... I miss her so much..."

"Ana would have been lucky to have her," I said, looking around.

"Do... do you have a photo of your husband?" he asked.

"Uh... yeah, I do," I answered, searching through my handbag until I found the picture that I was looking for. I handed it to Ryan and he looked at it thoroughly.

"He's quite good-looking," he chuckled.

"He was my everything," I sighed.

"I reckon he's watching over you and your baby. I bet he's making sure you're both alright. I know he would be... I tell Ana all the time that her mom would be so proud of her."

"She should be. Ana's beautiful."

"Have you ever wondered where you go from here? If you'll ever fall in love again... be married again... have any more children?"

"Well, I have. But since I haven't had my first child yet, I haven't truly thought too much about that. But as for falling in love again... I hope so. I mean, I'll always have Lucas as my one and only, but given that I've lost hime, he'd want me to be happy... he'd want me to move on."

"And not dwell on the past."

"Exactly."

"Have you ever been afraid of living in your house without Lucas?"

"Well, I spent two days in total darkness. Shut off in my room from the rest of the world. I wasn't afraid of being in the house alone... I was in denial. I was mourning. And I isolated myself to do it. I was depressed for a while... until I found out I was pregnant. Then, it was like someone shone a light on my dark world. And I felt happy again. And slowly, the darkness almost completely vanished."

"You look a lot happier than four weeks ago. And you were still..."

"I know."

"I hope we can be good friends, Carrie. I really do."

"I think we're gonna be great friends."

"I hope so."

"Well, our lives are similar, yet different. Friends have all sorts of stuff like that in common. Plus, I need someone to talk to, since I feel my family judging me the entire time. Even though they're not... I just feel insecure."

"You can tell me anything. Just so you know."

"That's... I'm glad for that."

"What are friends for?"

"Thankyou. For being a friend. Or... well, I'm thanking you for being someone I could talk to."

 Ryan smiled at me and then stood up. He opened his mouth to say something, but hesitated. I smiled back, and he chose to say what he was going to.

"I uh... I like you," he began. "If you weren't... pregnant and widowed... I would probably have asked you out. But you are. And that's something I hope to do someday."

"Wow," I gasped. "Chelsea said she thought you liked me... but... I like you, too. And... I've never liked anyone other than Lucas."

"I uh..." he started to speak, but stopped.

"One day, I hope," I said confidently. "I... hope that one day... we can become more than friends."

We said our goodbyes at that point, and Ryan still looked a bit shocked at my revelation that I liked him. Well, I did. But I knew that I wasn't ready to date. I wasn't ready at all...

A tear welled in my left eye at the thought of being alone suddenly, and I left the coffeehouse abruptly.