I'm A Twenty-Two Year Old Widow And I'm All Alone...

Trying To Live On My Own...

Chapter Four... Trying To Live On My Own...

 

I awoke screaming from yet another terrifying nightmare that was about Lucas. Every night I would awake in tears, screaming out loud and startling the neighbours. I'd never been so alone in my life, and it was affecting me in every way possible. It had been two weeks since my husband had died, and I was still rattled.

I was lucky to get an hour of decent sleep of a night. Once I woke from the nighmares, I struggled to fall back to sleep. I think it was fear. I think I was afraid of the dreams.

I hadn't smiled in weeks. I hardly ate. I didn't leave the house. I hadn't talked to my friends since it happened. I didn't see Lucas' family, and didn't answer the door when people dropped by. My mom had a key, so she'd let herself in. And I hated that... I just wanted to disappear.

I hated being alone, though. But not in the sense of having people around me. I wanted Lucas back. I would give anything to have him back in my arms, even if it meant giving my own life to do it. I would, there was no doubt about it.

I decided to get up and walk into the kitchen. I jumped when I turned the light on and found my mom sitting there in the dark, glaring at the wall.

"Mom?" I asked, holding my chest in fright. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you," mom said softly. "I see you're still having nightmares. You told me they'd stopped, that you were sleeping now."

"Well, I'm not," I replied quietly.

"You're not fine, Carrie," mom said, looking at me. "You're far from fine. Let me help you."

"I don't need help," I replied coldly. "I'm fine."

"No, you aren't," mom snapped. "Carrie, you have to let people help you."

"Just... leave me alone," I whispered. "I don't need your help."

"You're alone," mom began. "You don't sleep. By the looks of the dates on the masses amounts of food in your fridge, you don't eat... what do you do, Car? Because it looks like you just lay in your room, staring at the wall all day, hoping Lucas is gonna magically appear in front of you."

"So what if I do?" I said harshly. "It's my life."

"Or lack thereof," mom sighed. "I'm your mother. Let me in! Let us all in!"

"When you lose your husband, come back to me and tell me exactly how you feel," I replied, tears welling in my eyes. I blinked them back.

"Carrie, don't be so nasty in your words please," mom asked nicely. "I'm trying to help you live."

"I know how to live," I snapped.

"I don't think you do," mom said weakly. "I'll stay here. Help you sleep. Cook for you if you want. Baby girl, I'll do anything for you!"

"Then why won't you just leave?!" I cried, yelling out loud. "That's all I want! I want you to leave me alone!"

Mom looked startled, and I felt relieved. I wasn't sure why, but something made me feel relieved.

"I think that's the best use of your emotions you've done in the last two weeks," mom said, smiling a little. "You can't keep all your anger bottled up."