Taste | Changbin

Chapter Eighty-Nine

Standing in the middle of the living room, the hollow ache of loneliness ran through Lennon. On the tour, there had never been a dull moment. The guys were always bickering with each other. Picking fights and non-stop teasing. Even when they were quiet, the air was filled with their voices. 

Now there was nothing, but a foreboding sense of dread. It was quiet enough that she could hear her heart hammer in her chest. Her makeup kit and suitcase sat by the front door untouched. She had left them after she came inside. 

Everything had been frozen in time. The TV remote was in the middle of her glass coffee table. The curtains were closed, so nobody could look in. Her car had been in the driveway this whole time. Nobody had forced their way in.

A wave of loneliness crashed over her in the silence; it was all gone. The nonstop teasing between Seungmin, I.N, and her. The helpful advice from Chan and Lee Know. Giggles between her and Han. Comforting touches between her and Felix. Hyunjin's dramatic bickering and the kisses stolen from Changbin. 

The loneliness cut deeply and grazed across her bones. It was her own fault, but it still hurt. it was for the best, wasn't it? It must have been. With her out of the picture, she wouldn't be able to cause anymore pain. 

In her back pocket, her phone silently blew up with notifications. The guys had sent her multiple text messages wishing her well. The only one that hadn't sent anything to her was Changbin. How was he supposed to when she had told him to leave her alone? 

Their drive back to the dorm rooms from the airport was similar to Lennon's. Their manager had rented a large black van to get them home. The air filled with a heavy silence. Felix leaned over and placed his head on Han's shoulder. Han let his head rest on top of his. 

I.N sat with his forehead pressed against a window. The sun had nearly set and darkness coated the sky. The pinks and oranges had morphed into a darker purple and blue. Tomorrow the sun would rise and somehow they'd find a way to try again. 

In the back seat, Changbin clutched his phone between his hands. He'd type out a sentence directed to Lennon and then erase it. No matter what he wrote, it didn't seem right. What was he supposed to say? 

Lennon, I'm sorry my fans can be shitty.

Erase. 

I'm sorry things between us didn't work out.

Erase.

Baby, I still love you. 

Erase.

Can we try again? 

Erase.

After some consideration, he gave up and turned off his phone. Leaving her alone was the least he could do after his fans had chased her away. A melange of emotions kept catching him off guard. He was angry at his fans. Not all of them, some of them really seemed to like Lennon. 

At the end of the day, he was a person too. Wasn't he allowed to have his own feelings? Shouldn't he get to dictate his own life? Why couldn't people respect that? Why couldn't JYP respect that? Even if Lennon was working for them, the two of them adored each other, so why did it matter if they dated? 

When the anger faded and dissolved, he was left with sadness. Couldn't Lennon, at least, try to work through it? Why couldn't she talk to him? Did she truly love him or had it all been a ploy to destroy him from the inside out? 

Everything was wrapped up in a bundle of despair. There was a reason why Changbin tried not to fall in love. The capability to love was beautifully tragic. Falling head over heels for another person was dangerous. It was like giving each other a knife and pointing it at each other's hearts. 

Not always saying the words, but trusting another person to not hurt you. Falsely believing that they wouldn't take that knife and puncture your heart with it. You were completely vulnerable with each other. It was terrifying and sometimes it was worth it. Other times, well...

"I don't think I've ever heard you guys this quiet before," their manager spoke up. "Is everyone okay back there? You guys look a little drained." 

Chan sat beside his manager in the passenger seat. Normally, he always shared conversations with their manager. Even he couldn't find the right words to say among the silence. He glanced back in the mirror of his sun visor. 

Frowns and blank faces filled the back seats. Hyunjin sat with his headphones plugged in. He shared them with Seungmin. The pair were listening to some new song that had recently come out. The soft piano music caused melancholy to float through them. 

"I think everyone is tired," Chan finally spoke up. "We've had a long tour and we're exhausted. We've been going for so long and a lot of us have been too excited or nervous to sleep properly at night. It's good to be home, you know? We'll probably get back to our dorms, get something to eat, and head towards bed." 

"That sounds like a good idea. I'm going to get home to my wife and probably do the same thing." 

Chan nodded and glanced out the window. The streets of South Korea were vibrant with nightlife. Neon signs and lights started to glow among the darkness. People hurried in and out of businesses. The streets seemed to be filled with more people than normal. 

June had passed by quickly and July had approached. With the warmer weather, that meant more tourists. The tourist business in South Korea always heavily increased during the summer months. Animals were out, nature was blooming, and the weather was nice. 

It felt good to experience the familiarity of it all.