Taste | Changbin

Chapter Twenty-Six

At some point, Chan had realized he had fucked up. This was supposed to be a chance to ease the tension between Lennon and Changbin. Changbin had crossed his arms and kept staring out the window. Meanwhile, Lennon had completely checked out. 

She didn't take her eyes off her backpack. Her long nails cut into her palms. She bit down on the inside of her lip. She was hoping that the stinging sensation would take her mind off her dad, but it didn't, it only made it worse. 

Her brain was stuck in the past. She could hear everything. Every curse word, every slam of the cupboards, all the yelling, all the screaming, it was too much. Every time she came home from work to see her dad screaming at the TV. When he realized she was home, his anger turned to her. 

Her heart rate skyrocketed. She was aware that her breathing was rapidly increasing. She was aware that there was nowhere for her to go. She couldn't leave the car, the driver was still driving. All she could do was sit and wait while she relived everything. 

It was slow. at first. After her mom died, her and her dad became close. They talked to each other every night. She listened while he shared his feelings. She went to bed hearing his muffled sobs from his bedroom. She laid awake at night unable to sleep while he wept. 

She grieved the loss of her mom in silence. Her dad was too busy with his own grief, so she kept hers locked inside herself. She listened to sad music and let herself silently cry. She coped with it the best that she could. During the day, she smiled and pretended like things were fine. At night, she let her tears fall while a dark shadow hung over her head. 

Her dad still managed to keep his job. He'd get home and have a drink. A few months later, one turned to three and three turned to six. Soon alcohol was all he knew. The father she knew, he withered away. The alcohol changed him in more ways than one. 

He let his anger devour him. Eventually, it became Lennon's fault that her mother was dead. Her mom ended up dying in a car accident. Lennon had always gone with her to the pizzeria. When she wasn't playing the arcade games in the back, she was working on homework. When that got too boring, she was reading. 

She caught the flu one day. Too sick to leave her bed, at age fourteen, she told her mom to go into the pizzeria without her. She swore she'd be okay. She'd keep the doors locked. She had her own cell phone, so she'd call if something happened. Her mom was hesitant, but she gave in. She gave Lennon a kiss on the forehead and slightly ruffled the hair on her head. 

"I'll be back later with medicine, I promise." 

It was the first and only promise that her mother had ever broken. On the way to the pizzeria, a man was speeding. The light went red, but he thought he had enough time to get through the intersection. Her mom was in the middle of it when his car barreled into hers. She jerked the wheel and the car was forced into a telephone pole. 

Her mom never stood a chance. She was crushed between warped metal from her car and the wooden telephone pole. The warm kiss she had left on Lennon's forehead still lingered. Lennon fell asleep after her mom left. She woke up to her father holding her feverish body. He rocked the two of them back and forth with tears streaming down his face. 

She thought she was dreaming. She thought it was from her fever, but her mom never came back. She got better and went back to school. She pretended like everything was fine while the world crumbled around her. Nothing would ever be the same. 

"It should have been you!" Her father spat with anger. Spit came off his lip and hit Lennon in the face. She blinked and wiped it away. "Did you hear me? It should have been you! You could have made her stay home! You could have gone with her and you would have taken the impact instead!" 

Lennon clutched her backpack closer to her chest. The words were three years old, but they still felt fresh. Every time she thought about them, it reopened a wound. No matter what she did, she couldn't get them out of her head. 

He was right. She should have gone with her mom that day. She should have begged her to stay home. Maybe she would have been dead. Maybe her mom would still be alive. Her father wouldn't have turned into a stranger. 

"Lennon?" 

The voice sounded far away. 

"Lennon?" 

A hand gently touched her knee. She was slammed back into reality. She let out a yelp and swatted the hand away. Changbin looked at her with a raised eyebrow. 

"Don't fucking touch me!" She snapped. 

Chan glanced back in the rear view mirror. "Is everything okay back there?" 

"I was just telling her that we were here and she freaked the fuck out." 

Lennon glanced over at Han. He had fallen asleep and was leaned up against the car window. Shockingly, her outburst hadn't woken him up. 

'I'm in a car.'

The thought cut off her air supply. The walls of the car felt like they were closing in on her. When her mom died, did she feel the car crush her? Did she feel her head crack as she hit the wooden pole? Was she still conscious when the ambulance and fire department arrived? Were they the last thing she ever heard? Was she aware that she was dying? 

"Let me out!" 

"I'm fucking going! You don't have to be a fucking bitch!" 

"Changbin!" Chan yelled. 

"What's going on?" Han's sleepy voice came out from beside her. 

"Fuck off, Chan!" 

Changbin threw open the car door and stepped out. Lennon left her backpack and clawed her way across the seats. When her feet hit the ground, she took off running. She didn't know where she was going and she didn't care. 

Voices called after her, but she ignored them. She needed to be alone. She hadn't meant to snap at Changbin, but she didn't want to be touched. She was in a vulnerable state and all she could remember was her dad. 

The way his thick fingers dug into the shoulder of her shirt. Sometimes, he'd accidentally grab her flesh. She'd yelp as he yanked. Only a few drinks in, he was still sturdy. His alcohol tolerance had only increased as time went on. He'd twist the fabric of her shirt and yank. The collar of her shirt would stretch out, but he didn't care. He'd usually shove her in a chair and begin screaming. 

The world spun wildly around her. She tried to suck in oxygen, but it never seemed to be enough. She couldn't get her lungs to expand. In the darkness, her foot went out from under her. She slid to the ground and landed hard on her stomach. 

She let herself accept defeat as she laid there sobbing. She didn't know how she was going to pull herself together and look presentable to the band and their management. She was going to survive this tour, go back to South Korea, and get fired. She'd end up broke and all alone again. 

"Lennon?" 

"What do you want, Chan?" 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

Lennon rolled over onto her back. She sniffled and looked up at the sky. A variety of stars were shining bright overhead. She didn't know how far she ran, but she knew that she must have run far away from the hotel. The parking lot had been lit up with a bunch of lights. 

"Not really." 

"Okay." He sat down beside her and looked up at the stars. "It's a pretty night tonight. No clouds to cover up the sky. There's a full moon over there," he pointed behind him. 

"Why did you follow me?" 

"You didn't seem like you were doing too well. Whether you want to talk or not, I don't think you should be alone right now." 

"Thank you." 

"You're welcome."