Architect and Mrs Dantata

39: AMAL

It's the first day of August, which is a Tuesday. It's also my first day alone at home with Stephanie; Zayd inevitably had to return to work. And then, it's also my first time of opening the living room curtains myself since the day of the miscarriage.

The weather's warm today and I stare at the sky for a moment before stepping away, to the next window. I make sure all the curtains are drawn apart before taking in how naturally bright the living room is. It's been a while since it's been this way. I like it.

"Ma'am Amal?"

I turn to face Stephanie. "Yeah?"

"What should I prepare for lunch today?"

I haven't been asked that question in a while. I know it's been a month but it feels like forever. Zayd's been handling everything up until today and he has no idea how grateful I am for it.

"I'm not really hungry though." I tell Stephanie. "We have chicken, right?"

She nods. "Yes."

"Let's have shredded chicken sauce with boiled potatoes. Sweet potatoes, please. I'm not up for Irish today."

The smile she gives me is small. Like the weather, it's warm. "No problem. I'll get started on it."

I can't help but smile back. "Thank you, Stephanie." It goes beyond this very moment and I'm sure she knows it. "Thank you very much."

Her smile widens and she says nothing. She just nods, turns and disappears into the kitchen. I walk aimlessly around the living and dining rooms, turning a few things just because I want to. I add more turaren wuta to the kasko and when there's nothing else to do, I put on the television.

I start work on Monday. Zayd thinks I should stay a little longer at home and so does everyone else but it's been a while. I should go back and get my life back. It's not going to be easy but I need to try.

If anyone asks me how July had gone, I wouldn't know how to answer. All I know is that I cried a lot until I finally stopped. I relied on sleep a lot to help me forget everything, to the extent that Zayd got worried. I hated myself and was on my way to believing everyone else hated me too until Zayd got into my head and pushed every single one of those thoughts away. Then I slowly started accepting all that had happened and getting myself back. I'm still on the getting myself back stage and I'm doing better than I'd like to admit to everyone, even myself.

The painful thing I've learned is that you never fully forget about the baby you've lost, especially when it was delivered the way I delivered mine and Zayd's. You only learn to accept it as a painful experience and move on, holding onto hope that the next one will be better.

I don't know how long it'll take for me to be ready to try again for another baby and I am so grateful I have someone like Zayd who's extremely patient and optimistic even though he breaks down sometimes. I haven't told him yet but him breaking down with me helped a bit. Knowing that we could offer each other comfort and strength was nice and knowing that he didn't try to hide what he felt or make me believe that everything will automatically be okay was really good too. It made me love him a little more.

No, scratch that. It made me love him a whole lot more.

I'm scrolling through the channels, trying to decide on what to watch when the doorbell rings, causing me to stop what I'm doing. I can't help but frown. I wasn't expecting visitors. I can't even remember the last time I had visitors. That reminds me, I have tons of text messages and I have visitations to carry out. My visitations will start with Aliyah. I'm still asking Allah to forgive me for the thoughts I had when I saw her after the miscarriage. She's been nothing but nice to me since the first time we spoke and me losing my baby shouldn't be enough reason to have evil eye towards hers. She deserves a happy baby and I should be happy for her. Halima too.