That's the thing you see, When you're a trained assassin. Born to seduce and abuse. Collect information, to store it. Keep it safe until the time comes to use it. To harm the people, manipulate, trick, blackmail, murder. You can't just change, no matter how much you wish you could. You're old self will always trail behind you, slowly and silently, ready to jump out at any moment.
They had been good for a while, but that's the funny thing. You just know when things are going good, too good. It's all going to self destruct at any moment. But Natasha had allowed herself to be numbed into a sense of false security, wrapped around a thick blanket of protection and love by Maria. Unaware she was slowly suffocating Maria. That's the other thing, when you've never been in a loving relationship before, no scrap that, you've never been touched lovingly and held gently and told that you were worth something, you will crave it forever. All boundaries and personal space out of the window. Maria loved Natasha, she did, but she was becoming too much. But, Maria promised Natasha that she'd never be too much: leaving them in this predicament of Natasha overstepping the boundary by miles and Maria accepting it, even though every nerve in her body was screaming for space.
It started off small, things that just slipped past the surface, things that hide discretely in the dark unable to see it happening without a torch shining light on it. "Masha" Nat would ask, her whole body on top of Maria on the couch. Mia's arms wrapped around her.
"Yes baby" Maria replied, stroking her girlfriends hair.
"Do you have to go out tomor-"
"Nat I planned it weeks ago, I can't cancel now"
"But Masha, stay with me instead. We can go out togeth-"
"No Natasha." Maria sighed, Nat had being doing this a lot recently. Asking Maria to cancel her plans with others and stay with her instead. And, Maria did. She knew Nat wasn't quite used to her own freedom yet, hesitant to make her own friends and find her place in the world. The only world she ever knew was the Red Room and now this new world, S.H.I.E.L.D.
"Fine, go then. I don't care." Natasha stated bluntly, detatching herself from Maria. Walking away into the bedroom.
"Nat you don't have to leav-" Maria tried, Natasha slammed the door shut.
This wasn't the tipping point, Maria could put up with petulance. No, it was slightly worse. Natasha was a mess. Not just mentally, but in her day to day life. She had only just recently moved in with Maria. And, she couldn't pick up after herself. Was never taught how to.
"Nat" Maria huffed, exasperated.
"Yeah Masha" Natasha quickly glanced towards Maria, before placing her face back on the TV. Watching reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S had become her new hobby, She never had much time to sit down and binge watch American sitcoms before.
"Can you clean up?" Maria asked.
"Uh Huh" Natasha replied, clearly not listening. Shoving another pretzel into her mouth.
"Nat!"
"I said yes" Natasha huffed.
"Yes, but now?" her tone growing irritated.
"I'll do it later!"
Natasha Romanoff did not clean up later. Maria was left to pick Natasha's clothes off the floor and place them into the laundry. Left alone to take them out of the washer and into place them into the dryer and then hang them up in the wardrobe and fold the rest. Left alone to wash up Nat's used dishes and cups. Left alone to dry them and place them into the cupboards. Left alone to put the cushions back on the couch and straighten out the blanket. Left alone to pick Natasha's shoes up off the floor and into the cupboard.
This was the last straw.
"Natty, please can you turn the music off and just come to bed baby? It's 2am, we're up at 7 tomorrow" Maria pleaded, sleep in her eyes. Nat had been drinking and thought singing at the top of her lungs in their apartment at 2am was a good idea.
"Mia don't be stupid. Just chill out, have some fun for once. Stop being the ice queen that they all call you" Natasha joked, but Maria had had enough.
"Nat STOP!" Maria shouted, aggressively unplugging the TV which Natasha was using to play her music.
"Stop being a kill joy" Natasha glared.
"NO I'M FUCKING TIRED, YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE. IT'S 2AM" Maria spat.
"I'm driving you insane!? Jesus Christ Hill, loosen up"
"I've had enough of you. You're a mess, you make a mess. You don't let me go out, you don't clean up. You've lost all work ethic. You're loosing yourself. You need help, I don't think you understand. When Fury offered you therapy you should've taken it. You're not ready for this, this life with me because you haven't been able to do life on your own" Maria let out a deep breath she didn't realise that she was holding.
Natasha laughed, actually laughed in Maria's face. Bringing me back to my earlier point, once a spy always a spy.
"That's funny, Hill. You think I'm a mess? Ha, you're fucking hilarious" Natasha began stepping closer into Maria's space, "Funny you mention Fury and therapy in the same sentence. See, I'm not as messy as you think I am Hill. I'm not a fucking child who needs you, depends on you!" She spat back.
"No Natty, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that" Maria felt guilty, wishing she didn't let her frustration get the best of her.
"But you did. And now it's my turn." Natasha grinned, she hadn't done this since the Red Room.
"No Nat-"
"You're a fucking hypocrite Hill. You were a fucking mess before I met you. Clint told me ALL about it. How you got you WHOLE team killed. Yep. it was your fault wasn't it. Blown to pieces in Iraq. Not forgetting the drinking problem you developed, no wonder you're such a neat freak now. Everything has to be tidy right? Because every morning when you woke up in your own sick, you reminded yourself just how fucked up you actually were" Nat's pupils had blown, stuck in a state of mania.
"Natasha!" Maria tried to shut her up. It didn't work.
"Shush baby, I'm not done." Natasha cooed, condescendingly. "Lets also not forget the whole abusive daddy thing. God you're so desperate for an authority figure that you don't even see it. News flash love, Nick Fury isn't your daddy. No matter how many times you impress him, he's not going to call you a good girl. No wonder you want me to dominate you in bed, god you're so fucked up Maria. There's some Freudian shit going on there" Natasha laughed, Maria's face contorted, Natasha had never spoken to her like this before.
Nat's face was hysteric and red. She was proud of herself, she had won. She had done what she always did, what she was trained to do. Collect data, keep quiet. Store it long enough, and then use it to destroy the opponent. God she was so proud of herself until it hit her. Maria wasn't her opponent, she wasn't sent to kill her. She was Maria Hill, best friend, girl friend, lover. She was the same Maria who gave her heart and soul to Natasha, who had simply become fed enough of Natasha's behaviour. Fed up of asking her girl friend the same things over and over again. She had taken it too far.
Maria stared at her in disbelief, she was no longer Maria Hill. She was Agent Hill. Her facade crept in, protecting her. Her pain hidden, the facade hiding all emotion, her walls built up high. Higher than they had ever been in a while. "I'm leaving" she states coldy.
Natasha awkwardly shifted from one foot to the other, her smile wiped completely off her face. The guilt setting heavy like a big stone in her chest, pushing her to the ground. She felt sick, she wasn't good at this. What could she possibly say to fix this? "Masha, baby, please I didn't mean it. I'll come to bed. I'm sor-" She began to beg, she wanted to die. She had hurt the only person she had ever loved. She broken a good thing. Her face went pale, she wanted to cry. Beg for fogiveness. But Maria didn't give her the chance.
"Don't" Hill stated sharply before walking over to the door to grab her keys and shoes. "I'll be at Sharon's and Bobbi's if you need me." And just like that, she left.
Natasha threw up as soon as the door shut behind Maria.
