A Memoir~
Growing up, I was taught to be nice, poise, calm and well-mannered as what is expected to every daughter of every normal family. With these standards raised up to every children worldwide especially to kids living in an Asian household, we are all pressured to comply and live up to the expectations.
I remember it is on the second year of high school. It went by so smoothly; the whole year, I was so busy raising my grades high up that I even deemed my share of time of sleep as to be inexistent at a very young age. I put myself at an obligation of doing my student responsibility as that is what the elders have taught us as our only purpose to why we are here and why we are being supported by our parents; that is only to succeed and to achieve, nothing less.
Raising my grades high up has been a very big struggle as high-schooler in a school that reigns the highest standards. To think that standards doesn't only exist in our house but we are also academically challenged at school. All the worthwhile and hard-worked happiness from my success has deeply put me in an ecstatic feeling. I was ruling in cloud nine not until the 4th quarter came by and burned all that I built from the start. I have bought disappointment to the family.
To my surprise and utter shock, I belonged to the students who involved themselves to the incident report that far exploded to the grounds of our prestigious school. I got myself involved in a misdeed/misbehavior and was given a deduction point from my conduct in the guidance office or as what they call in other countries, the detention.
Of course, I was so scared. Being it the first time I have ever received an incident report and to an extreme, an ineradicable record in my conduct. I was drowned in deep agonizing terror to even have a record at all as this is not what my parents and people who knew me have imagined that I would ever do. They came first in mind and what they will think of me after the incident.
Going home after being called in the guidance office to be reprehended, they even said they'd call my parents to let them know what I have done and the circumstances ahead of the actions I did. That is when I already knew that my parents would never understand.
In my ride going home I could already feel the tears building up in my eyes and the rasping of my throat as well as the tightening of my chest. I was so scared of what might happen that I couldn't really breathe properly. Not only will they know about it, they would also be robbed off their time to listen how their eldest daughter have failed them.
Staying in the corner, I wondered how I will tell my parents about the meeting. Reflecting, I realized that I've just lost my worth as their daughter and bought disappointment and that everyone will know about it and our family with be awed by disgust for having me as a family member. I realized that I have just lost my purpose, I have bought displeasure and committed a thing that is unknowable to be done by me.
Those thoughts ruling head made it a lot more heavier to carry thus also made it harder for me to tell my parents. Later that evening, everyone was already asleep and I was the only one awake and alone with my thoughts. With too much hesitation, I still went to my papa. He's my only chance since the meeting would be the next day. Even though he's asleep already, I tried to wake him up to tell him about the bad news.
I felt so bad that cold bullets of sweats came rushing down my head through my face, my hands became sweaty and my feet became cold. I was disheartened and blameworthy to wake him up knowing that he is tired from a 9-hour work just to gave him a news from his daughter who did a bad deed at school. His eyes are still closed but he's awake so I continued on telling him all about it. He was calm the whole time, eyes are shut but he made me feel that he still listened to me. He never shouted, nor scolded me. He never made a fuss about it, though the guilt that I felt was still there. I was terrified and was ready to accept any punishment, awaiting for a sudden yelling and reprimands; for a loud horror-striking roar to happen.
Yet he opened his eyes and looked at me dearly with those understanding old, doe eyes, he said "You stayed up late for this?" I quickly and nervously nodded and he continued "I know it's your first time; great achievement, really, at last! But you need to sleep now, alright? Prepare yourself some warm milk from the fridge, I bought it for you. And just tell me tomorrow morning what time is the meeting. And don't forget to turn off the lights, goodnight."
What he said put me at ease. It's like he never cared or it's not a big deal at all. His response to my fault has probably prevented any trauma that I might have developed today and to be passed through someone. It changed my future in many ways; his answer has saved me from going through overthinking. It's more like he told me it's an achievement because I never once did it. It seems like my disappointment was turned into an accomplishment.
In his eyes, I wasn't a failure. He understood things fastly like my mistakes never defined who I am and the good things that I have done for the rest of my life; like it doesn't really outdo all the goodness in me and that I don't reset what I've done good.
Because for the first time, I am human and he allowed it.
He freed me from what the other people chained me up in. Being afraid of doing mistakes is an occurrence I'm aware that's not only happening to me.
To be afraid of being wrong, to be invalidated in time we are doing things that we love because in the eyes of other people is only a disgrace, to create a version of ourselves that pleases the others and that causes us to constantly searching for who we really are and our real identities.
It was so common that it makes it so sad. Restricting ourselves have not only stolen our identities but our chances to build our own person. We shouldn't let other people to restrict us from being humans.
Like what my father have taught me, I hope you commit more mistakes.
Do more wrongs that other people would lose that invisible but chaining expectations from you. Fail more and be happier.
03/29/23
Writer's note:
A writing dedicated to every academically-achieving, burnt-up kid in this world. I hope this writing bought you comfort that even the parents/guardians that this universe got you never did.
