Long Away

Chapter 64

Since that day, Joe was relying on Gwil to report news from Ben. Every time he texted or called, Joe couldn't help but get his hopes up, only to have them crushed again. Time was ticking. He tried to banish the possibility of Ben not waking up in time from his mind, but it kept worming its way back into focus, until Joe couldn't think about anything else anymore.

Social media still wasn't a distraction. He had been putting off posting, and what started out as complaining from his fans had quickly lead to hate messages and angry teens cancelling him. Joe knew it was silly to let any of it get to him. Clearly they were just kids going through a lot themselves, but when some of them started saying it should have been him instead of Roger, the thought stuck with him. And the worst part was, since nobody had publicly spoken about Ben's situation, they were saying the same things about him too.

"Can we trade fake Rog for real Rog please?"

"It's so infuriating how he got all the glory for playing him when he doesn't care about Roger at all!"

"Fr though, he's not even that good at anything. The only thing he had going for him was vaguely resembling Roger. He's probably not speaking up because he knows that"

Joe took a sharp breath before closing the app. If they had any idea... For a moment he wished he could just post an angry video and vent about everything that was going on, but that was neither his place nor a good idea.
He was just about to turn off his phone when a chat notification popped up.

Gwil: "Hey Joe, how are you doing? "

Joe rolled around on his bed into a more comfortable position before opening the chat.

Joe: "Hey. I'm alive. What about you?" 1:21pm

Gwil: "That doesn't sound too good... I've seen the comments people have been making. Is it because of that?" 1:21pm

Joe: "Partially. It sure doesn't help to take my mind off potentially losing Ben forever..." 1:21pm

Gwil: "I'm sorry. I guess that already answers my next question then" 1:22pm

Joe: "What's that?" 1:22pm

Gwil: "I was going to ask you if you wanted to visit Roger's grave together. But I suppose that's not the best idea right now?" 1:22pm

Joe thought about it for a second. He didn't think it could make him feel much worse, and he had been meaning to go since the funeral three days ago. And maybe a picture of the grave with a short caption would get him off of people's radars... He shook his head about himself. Why was that even so important to him?

Joe: "No that's alright. Probably better to have some company. When did you want to go?" 1:24 pm

Gwil: "I was thinking either today or tomorrow. Did you have any other plans?" 1:24 pm

Joe: "No, today's fine." 1:24 pm

Gwil: "Okay, great" 1:25 pm

"Do you know where the graveyard is? Should we just meet there?" 1:25 pm

Joe: "Yeah, okay. I could probably make it in an hour if that's okay with you?" 1:25 pm

Gwil: "Sure. I'll see you then" 1:26 pm

Joe: "See you" 1:26 pm

With a grunt, Joe maneuvered himself out of bed. It wasn't a long ride to the graveyard, but he still had to hurry to get through his morning routine, if you could call it that. He didn't want Gwil to know how messed up his sleep schedule was, which was the main reason he didn't give himself more time. Joe knew he should get into healthier habits again, but what did he have to get out of bed for? He wasn't working at the moment, which was a problem in itself, but he got quite a bit of money from selling his house, which made it even harder to find the motivation.

Joe picked out some casual black clothes and grabbed a cereal bar before heading out of the house. On the way, he stopped at a gas station to buy some flowers to leave by the grave. It brought back the memories of his last visit with Roger. Joe needed a moment to pull himself together before driving off again. It was strange. He remembered feeling even worse at the time than he did now, even though things weren't as bad. He hadn't realized how much he had already gotten used to this mess he was in. Feelings of happiness and joy were nothing but a fading memory now.
Joe fought back the tears that threatened to come up and drove out of the parking lot. Now was not the time for an emotional breakdown. That could wait until later.

Joe spotted Gwilym's car by the entrance to the graveyard and parked his own a few meters away. They got out at the same time, apparently Gwil had been waiting for him. He too was carrying a bouquet, a stunning arrangement of white roses and chrysanthemums that made Joe regret not going to a proper flower shop himself. He eyed his own flowers with thin lips, not sure what kind they even were. Well, at least it was something, right?

"Hey, mate." Gwil patted him on the shoulder with his free hand. Joe shot him a smile.
"Hey."
Gwil furrowed his brow looking at him.
"Did you cry?"
"Maybe," Joe admitted, and Gwil's expression softened.
"Do you want to talk about what's on your mind or would you rather have some distraction?"
Joe shrugged, too overwhelmed to be able to tell what he needed.
"I don't know. Let's just find the grave, okay?"
There was Gwil's worried look again that Joe had gotten far too used to over the past months.
"Sure," he sighed.

The two friends walked side by side through the graveyard. Brian had sent both of them the exact location of Roger's grave, and it didn't take them long to find it. By the looks of it many fans had been here the last few days to leave candles, flowers and cards next to the gravestone. Silently, Joe and Gwil placed their flowers between the others before stepping back to take everything in. Joe's heart was heavy. He didn't know what to say, so he quietly thought back to the moments he had shared with Roger. After a few minutes, Gwil broke the silence.

"Rest in peace, Roger. You were a legend we will never forget."
"Rest in peace," Joe echoed.
"May you be with Freddie forever."
A single tear made its way down his cheek, and immediately Gwil's arm wrapped around him. Joe looked up, Gwil's eyes were fixated on the grave before them.
"You don't happen to have a lighter on you, do you?"
Joe frowned.
"Since when do you sm- oh! You mean for the candles. Right. Sorry." Joe shook his head at himself.
"Ben absolutely would if he was here right now," he mumbled.
"I have to get him to stop smoking if... when... if..."
Joe's voice cracked, and he couldn't hold back the stream of tears that had been building up anymore.

"Hey..." Gwil pulled him closer, and Joe leaned into his embrace, sobbing.
"I can't take this anymore. I need Ben. I need him to be okay."
Gwil's hands moved gently up and down his back.
"I know. I'm sorry. All I can say is that his condition isn't getting worse. He's stable. They're taking good care of him."
"But none of that matters if he doesn't wake up soon," Joe whined.
"I can't lose him, I can't!"

Gwil hesitated briefly.
"I can't promise anything. But if that would make you feel better, you could come along when I drive to the hospital later. Maybe Henry will make an exception if he sees how distraught you are."
Joe wiped away his tears.
"You think?"
The look on Gwil's face wasn't very promising.
"I'll do my best to convince him."
Joe swallowed.
"Okay. Thank you."
Resting his head on Gwil's shoulder, he tried to calm his breathing.
"I don't know what I would do without you."
"Me neither, Joey."