Long Away

Chapter '39

TW: mentions of past traumatic sexual incidents

Ben had been sitting on the ground behind the van for a while. So far, nobody had found him, and he was thankful for that. Tears were streaming down his face as he kicked the gravel to let out his anger. His mind was racing. How long had Roger been cheating on him for? Was what he did an attempt to get Ben to break up with him? And why was he suddenly having sex with someone else if that was supposedly so hard for him? Ben picked up a small rock and tossed it all the way to the other side of the road, groaning out in bitter frustration.

Footsteps on the gravel. Somebody had heard him. Ben quickly dried his face with the sleeve of his shirt. He looked up to find a puzzled looking Freddie taking in the scene.
"Did something happen or did you just have too many beers?"
"Roger is cheating on me," Ben said flat out.
Freddie blinked profusely.
"Pardon?"
"I caught him with this bitch who has been crushing on him for months."
"Huh?"
"They're upstairs right now. Fucking."

Freddie's eyes went about twice as wide.
"Oh no... Oh no," he uttered, looking around hectically.
"Uh... I'll be right back." With no further elaboration, he sprinted back to the house. Ben looked after him, confused by his reaction. He sat alone with his thoughts again for a while. Should he break up with Roger? Or did he somehow deserve this? Had he been such a bad boyfriend? Was Roger perhaps not really bi? Did he not love him? A whimper escaped Ben's throat at the thought. He never said that he did. Ben had just assumed that this was another thing he struggled with, that he just couldn't express his feelings.

Several minutes passed before he heard someone running in his direction over the gravel. He turned around. In the distance he could see John, Freddie and Roger. Brian was ahead of them, quickly coming closer. Ben looked down again. He did not want to see the cheater.
Brian came to an abrupt halt when he reached him.
"Ben, do not freak out on Rog, it's not like you think," he said between attempts to catch his breath. Ben's eyes narrowed with anger.
"I don't know what he told you, but I saw him cheating on me."
Brian looked at him intensly.
"You saw him getting raped."

Ben faltered.
"What? But..." He replayed the scene in his head. Emma did pin him down, but he showed no form of resistance.
"Are you sure?"
Brian's jaw dropped.
"Ben, what the hell? That is your reaction? Are you serious? Of course I am sure!"
"I'm sorry," Ben stammered. The thought of his boyfriend being raped was too shocking to process. He didn't want it to be true. He would rather believe Roger did cheat on him.
"It's just... He wasn't fighting back at all."

"Ben, this isn't the first time this has happened," Brian explained.
Ben stared at him in disbelief.
"What?"
"He is traumatized. He told me he freezes whenever someone makes advances on him. He can't even tell them to stop."
Suddenly everything fell into place. Roger's weird behavior every time Ben suggested anything. The terrified look in his eyes. It all made sense now. Ben brought a hand up to his mouth.
"Oh my god..."

The other three were approaching them now. Freddie had one arm wrapped tightly around Roger, who was holding his head low, his eyes expressionless. John followed right after. Brian gave Ben a stern look that warned him not to say the wrong thing. Slowly, Ben walked up to his boyfriend. He still didn't look up, would've walked right into him if Freddie didn't stop him. Ben gulped. He had felt helpless and unsure around Roger all day, but it didn't compare to the inner turmoil that overcame him now.

"Rog?", he began.
"I am so sorry. If I had known what was happening, I would have stopped her, I swear."
The only reaction Roger showed was a shaky breath. Freddie leaned in to him.
"Do you want to talk to him alone?", he whispered, barely loud enough for Ben to understand. A brief nod affirmed him.
"We'll go get the instruments then. We are not staying here any longer."
Freddie, Brian and John walked back into the garden, leaving the two boyfriends to themselves.

Without Freddie's support, Roger clasped his own arms around himself. His eyes were still fixated on the ground, his face pale. The sight broke Ben's heart.
"Did she stop after I left?," he asked with a tremble in his voice. Roger unblinkingly shook his head. Ben's vision became blurry with tears. He clenched his fists. Who he was more mad at, Emma or himself, he didn't know.
"I can't believe I let this happen to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Ben waited for a response that didn't come.
"Rog, please say something. Anything. Yell at me, tell me I messed up. I know I did. Just please, say something."
Roger slowly took a step forward. His knees gave in, and he fell into Ben's arms. He whimpered, and his tears soaked through Ben's shirt.
"I'm so sorry, love." Ben failed to stop his own tears for longer. He held Roger close, running his hands up and down his back.

"I promise, I will never let this happen again. I will keep an eye on anyone who even looks at you weird. I will help you learn to stand up for yourself. I will fight anyone who dares to hurt you. I'll do anything. I'll keep you safe, I promise. I love you."
Finally, Roger looked at him, tears still streaming down his face.
"You don't think I'm pathetic for letting this happen?"
"No!" Ben was shocked he would think like that.
"No, love. No. None of this is your fault. It's not your fault."
Roger's head sunk against his chest again. He was shaking.
"It's not your fault," Ben whispered to him.
"It's not your fault."

"Benny?", Roger said quietly. Ben's ears pricked up in surprise. This was the first time since their fight that Roger had called him anything but 'Ben'.
"Yes?", he whispered back.
"I love you."
Stunned, Ben tightened his embrace.
"I love you too. I love you so much," he managed to get out. Looking over Roger's shoulder, he noticed some of the guests in front of the house facing their way.

"Let's sit in the van, shall we?", he quietly said. Roger nodded against his chest. Shielding him from their gazes, Ben lead him to the door of the van. They got in the backseat together. Roger rested his head on Ben's shoulder. His breath became steadier, telling Ben that he was slowly calming down a bit. He knew that it would take him a long time to really recover from this though. But no matter what, Ben would be there for him. He placed a kiss on Roger's cheek.
"It's okay, love. Everything is going to be okay."

***
Hey guys! Did I promise too much?
Ngl, some parts of this were painful for me as well. But hey, at least it won't get worse than this... For a while... Probably

Tay