Contrast

39

Pain radiates through my head as my blaring alarm causes me to startle awake.

After a long tear-filled night, I rub my swollen and watery eyes in hopes of finding some relief, but none comes. 

I skipped my first class today, not being able to find the motivation to even pull out my laptop for Zoom when my alarm went off the first time.

Even though I won't be on campus today except to watch cheer practice, I drag myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth and for a quick shower. 

I pick up my lavender-scented body wash that is almost empty with shakey hands.

A sick feeling whirls around my stomach remembering how Blake was standing in this same spot only 24 hours ago, us teasing each other back and forth through the door while he used almost my entire bottle of soap.

I attempt to wash away all the memories and devasting feelings of yesterday but to no avail. No matter how hard I scrub my skin, the pain won't subside.

I decide to stay in the shower for much longer than I usually would, eventually sitting down in it with my knees tight to my chest. The crashing sound of the water hitting the floor provides me with solace as I let it consume my thoughts instead.  

When the water begins to turn cold I know I have been in here for too long and I shakily stand up to turn it off.

Wrapping myself up in a fluffy towel, I choose a pair of grey sweatpants and an old cheer hoodie. I pick out a pair of blue socks with some penguins on them before sitting back on my bed, dragging my computer onto my lap.

I load into the Zoom app and click on the link Professor Johnson had sent me in an earlier email. 

My heart drops slightly when I am loaded into the class.

Not only do I have a view of my professor standing in front of the whiteboard ready to begin his lecture, but I can see all the backs of students' heads piling in the room. 

I instantly spot Noah's flaming hair sitting next to Olivia, her blonde curls easily identifiable too. 

My eyes uncontrollably glance around the screen rapidly in search of a certain person with fluffy brown curls and I spot them a second later. 

Blake is sitting in the last row of the classroom with his head down on the table, his face hidden under his crossed arms.

For the past few weeks, the four of us have sat together in one of the first rows. My heart breaks slightly at how alone he looks in the very back of the classroom. 

He looks like he is sleeping, but a not-so-subtle twinge in my stomach reminds me that there's no way he actually is. 

I stare at Blake for longer than I care to admit, waves of sorrow crashing over me. I shouldn't miss him this badly, but I do. 

My heart feels like it is being ripped in two every time my eyes find their way back to him, and I don't know how much more I can handle. 

I know Blake brought this upon himself, he pushed both me and Noah away. But still, all I want to do is run into that classroom to be there for him, wanting to hug him so tight until he knows that I still care about him.

My professor begins class and I breathe out a sigh of relief as my thoughts are ripped away from Blake and over to the class material. 

Over the next hour or so he lectures from slides on the board, periodically calling on students who aren't paying attention. To my relief, he doesn't call on me over zoom as some professors do.