The Secrets She Kept

The Secrets She Kept - Chapter 20

The air was cold but the skies were surprisingly clear as I exited the crematorium. I sucked in a desperate breath and pulled at the neckline of my black dress. The cool air stung on the way down with each rasping inhale. No matter how much I tugged, it wasn't any easier to breathe.

It was as if I buttoned my dress too tight but, even if I stood there naked, it wouldn't help. The choking sensation was nothing real. It was just the weight of reality making itself known.

Fuck reality.

I should have stayed on the kitchen floor where I could pretend Mum was still alive and not lying in a box just a few feet away.

Tilting my head back, I watched as a bird danced overhead. It swooped low, skimming above the rows of flowers outside before it darted back up into the air.

If I were the sentimental sort of person, I could pretend it was Mum sending me a sign that she was okay. It's the kind of thing Dad would do.

Yet I wasn't.

I didn't believe in signs. Not really. Not unless they were telling me that something bad was coming my way. I was an eternal pessimist always looking for the bad things to come.

I released another breath, my heart beating rapidly within my chest.

If only I was more like them. What would it be like to live in a world where only good things happen? Were they happier? Were they more content?

"Rosie," Richie said in greeting, his hand coming to rest upon my shoulder.

I lowered my gaze.

Richie's features were solemn. The corner of my mouth twitched up in a weak smile. A small breeze brushed past and I swayed on the balls of my feet.

"She's really gone." I muttered, blinking rapidly as my shoulders lifted to my ears and my hands curled into fists. There was a bite of pain as my nails dug into the palms of my hands.

Within an instant Richie was tugging me close, his arms wrapping around my body. I breathed in deeply, my form leaning heavily into his. I ignored the way my hands trembled with pent up emotion as they curled into his suit jacket.

Instead, I concentrated on the gentle press of his lips as he kissed the top of my head. I breathed in the scent of his aftershave with each inhale, and let out a shuddery sigh with each exhale. I listened to the soothing words he murmured in my ear.

There was the click of heels as more people emerged outside. I stiffened in Richie's arms. He sighed loudly but then allowed his arms to drop as I stepped away. Pulling my shoulders back and straightening my spine, I plastered on a placid smile. I raised an eyebrow as I glanced up at Richie.

He reached out and tucked an errant strand of hair behind my ear before he nodded his head.

Blowing out through my teeth, I turned to greet my mum's friends and acquaintances.

Diane quietly came to stand at my side, her eyes lingering on the side of my face for several long seconds.

My chest ached. It would be so easy to turn. Too easy to apologise. Yet I was a coward.

My teeth gritted together as I forced my smile brighter, encouraging the first person to step forwards.

Diane sighed.

We didn't exchange words with one another though I was keenly aware of her presence at my side. Instead, we worked in unison. We shook hands. We accepted hugs from people who had loved Evelyn deeply and yet had strangely made no effort to see her in the past five years. We accepted condolences which were empty and hollow. Words that only served to ease the conscience of the one speaking them and did nothing to fill the empty pit within me. A pit that was only growing deeper and colder with each second that passed.