Write In My Heart

Chapter Four: Disgusting

Is my hair too short? That was the question bouncing through my head as I ran my fingers through my messy hair.

It was Friday and the time was approaching for me to leave for Johnathan's house, and since we didn't have wrestling practice on Fridays, I hadn't seen him since homeroom where he'd lightly joked with me about my inability to do "simple calculus".

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

None of the awkwardness or the dark thoughts, I just wanted things to be how they'd been in the car ride through the rain. Simple and relaxing.

After fiddling with my hair for a few more moments, I came to terms with the fact that I was never going to fully like it before I ran my hands along my sweatshirt and shorts to smooth out any wrinkles. Once I was satisfied–– of as close to satisfied as my overactive mind would let me get–– I made my way out into my bedroom where I collected my backpack with all of my study supplies and Johnathan's freshly washed and folded sweatshirts.

After I'd gathered everything, I left my room and popped my head into Alice's room to check in on her. "Hey, Rabbit. I'm heading over to Johnathan's for a bit, okay?"

My voice caused her to stop playing with her dolls as she practically jumped to her feet. "Ooh, can I come too? I want to play with his kitty!"

I frowned as I got on my knees so that I was on her level. "Sorry, no can do, squirt. Johnathan and I have to study, so you can't come along with."

She crossed her arms and pouted as she begrudgingly sat back down with her dolls. "I wish I was old enough to study," she grumbled, causing me to chuckle.

"Trust me, Alice, you don't," I said before I pressed a kiss into her forehead, then thundered down the stairs.

"Bye! I'm heading out to Johnathan's!" I yelled to my parents that were in the living room watching TV.

"Bye, honey!"

"Bye!"

My mother and father said in unison as I grabbed my car keys off the hook near the door and headed out. My car was pretty old––a 1984 Chevy–– that I'd named Lilly. Yet, despite Lilly's old age, I loved her. Did her AC not work half of the time? No. Was she in desperate need of a paint job? Definitely. But she was all mine and I'd bought her with my own money. I didn't drive her all the time though, only for long distances or heavy loads like going to the grocery store or picking my sister up from school, or, in this instance, going to Johnathan's.

I threw my stuff into my passenger seat before I took a moment to grab my phone and send Johnathan a quick message telling him I was on my way, though I hated texting with a burning passion. It took so long to type out a message and was generally useless in my opinion, but since it was easily accessible on my phone rather than on my computer like an email, it sufficed.

Once it was sent, I shoved the key in the ignition. Lilly roared to life and within moments, I was on my way. The sky was a deep watercolor as the sun said goodbye to the earth and started ducking beneath the horizon as the moon said hello. The street lights had already turned on, and with each that I passed, the more my heart raced. I was excited to hang out with Johnathan, especially because he'd offered to spend time with me, no prompts needed.

I tried not to read too much into it, however. Johnathan was a caring guy, and he'd always had a soft spot for me, and I him. And it wasn't like Johnathan and I hadn't hung out since I'd succumbed to my feelings for him. In fact, despite my best efforts, he and I had spent a lot more time together following my revelation.

So why did today feel so different?

In order to drown out my obsessive thoughts, I turned on the radio. A popular song that I instantly recognized from the times that Bobby Smith would blast it in the locker room, though I didn't know the name of it. I rolled my window down and let my arm hang out as I drove, losing myself in the song and forgetting my worries.