Write In My Heart

Chapter 13: Four Letter Word

I never felt dirtier than I did walking into Johnathan's bedroom.

After we spent a solid five minutes or so in silence, Johnathan offered to bring me to his place, an offer I couldn't refuse. I didn't want to stay in the Walmart parking lot, nor could I go home. My parents were blowing up my phone and other than sending them a simple I'm fine text, I wasn't responding. I wouldn't be surprised if they sent the police to look for me soon.

When we arrived his parents weren't home, but it didn't matter anyway seeing that neither one of us was in the headspace to do anything remotely intimate or sexual. I'd made my way up to his room while he put his groceries away downstairs, but I couldn't help the feeling of ants crawling up my arms and legs as I crossed the threshold. I felt disgusting, a feeling I'd become well acquainted with recently, but it was different now. It wasn't rearing its ugly head because I was under the impression that Johnathan had summoned it, no. It was because I knew his parents would flip if they ever found out about us, my parents probably would too and it scared me. Yeah, Johnathan had said that he didn't want to stop seeing each other, but was continuing on in fear truly better than breaking up?

I...didn't have an answer.

As I made my way deeper into his room, I settled myself onto the floor. It felt inappropriate to sit on his bed given the raging conflict he was feeling.

I pulled my knees to my chest and listened to the faint shuffling coming from downstairs as Johnathan finished up. Before long he was standing in front of me with an apologetic look on his face, but it was weirdly foiled by the adorable crooked grin on his lips. "Hey," he softly said as he sat down on his bed across from my position on the floor.

I readjusted my grip on my knees. "Hi."

He sighed as he leaned back until he was fully lying down on his bed and staring at the ceiling. "What are we going to do now, Ace?"

"I don't know."

The pressure of the silence in the room pressed down on my chest with the weight of an elephant.

Tears blurred my vision as the words I didn't want to say more than anything pushed past my pursed-shut lips. "Maybe...Maybe we should stop this. It's too dangerous."

He instantly sat up and shook his head. "No, Asa. No, we can't. I-I told you in the car that I don't want to––"

"Yeah, Johnathan, I don't want to either, but it sounds like it's what we need to do. To protect ourselves from our parents and...and from each other."

His pleading eyes burned into mine. "Asa, please don't."

"Johnathan, we don't have a choice! Besides, if we keep going down this track, we'll end up hurting each other more."

He shook his head. "No. No, I don't believe that. We were going to shit before because of bad communication, and I take the blame for that. But things are out in the open now, so we'll be good, right?"

I didn't answer.

His jaw slightly trembled as he got down on the floor next to me and held my hands in his. "Right?"

"Johnathan, I––"

"We graduate in a few months. Then we'll be free to go wherever we want, away from this shitty town and shittier people. Wherever you go, I'll follow you, I don't care, but can we please try? I really don't want to lose you, Ace. I..." His words died on his lips as he broke eye contact.

"You what, Johnathan? Tell me."

He took a deep breath before he looked back at me. Chaos was evident behind his grey eyes and the way his eyebrows furrowed and the way his hands were slightly shaking as they held mine told me he was scared of whatever he had to say. I braced myself for the worst.